Still haven't cried yet, but can feel it bubbling to the surface and sitting in the back of my throat. I know that I need to call the investigator and see about the appeal process, however, I feeling defeated about the matter anyway and am toying with the idea of just not dealing with it at all. Of course, this rolling over and just dealing with things is bad....my therapist would be disappointed in me....and I should be fighting, and I should not be accepting that I been "cheated" yet again in life.
The problem with fighting is that it becomes consuming....it depresses me more....and I can't get the things done that need to be done. And I wonder if just accepting and dealing with this will enable me to actually focus on things that I need to, like trying to finish my masters degree. The problem with NOT fighting is that it just adds to this underlying identity of resentment that I have that is clouding my ability to have faith in humanity.
What do I need? I thought about this a bit last night. What I need is to have someone just hold me and let me cry. And I will not let that person be my brother or Libby....I just can't do that. For reasons that I can't articulate. So if you are a nice-smelling local boy who is willing to just let me cry on you, please let me know. In the mean time I am going to work on molding my bedsheets into some sort of approximation of a cocoon.