Finished Of Human Bondage this morning, and it has been one of those books that I have been attempting to read for years, but never managed to get around to it. I'm glad that I waited, because I wouldn't have appreciated it before Mr.3 came around.
The book is about a man named Phillip Carey who, like many of us, is trying to find his place in this world. He goes from subject to subject in his studies, job to job, feeling lost and aimless most of the time. He meets and falls in love with this woman, Mildred, who is absolutely horrible to him, yet he stays, he endures, and he hopes that one day she will snap out of it and love him.
I completely identify with Phillip. Mr.3 was my Mildred. As I was reading all of the horrible things that Mildred would knowingly do to Phillip, intentionally causing him emotional harm, I kept wanting to shout at him "What are you doing? You're SO Stupid? She isn't going to come back to you!!" And then it hit me, I did the same with Mr.3. When Mildred asked Phillip for money so that she could go away with his friend, how was that any different from when Mr.3 asked me to give him half the rent money for him to go to some "job training" in DC? When Mildred shows up pregnant and destitute on Phillip's doorstep expecting him to take care of her and the baby, how is that different than when Mr.3 was sent to jail and he needed me to send him money and make sure that someone got him out of that hole? And when she leaves him yet again after he rescues her from another horrible poverty, how is that not the same as when Mr.3 finally left me? And when Phillip would see something in someone that would remind him of Mildred, how is that different than what happens to me on most days on campus...when that cap, or that walk, or that step resembles Mr.3. Phillip loved Mildred unconditionally, and I did the same.
And hopefully, as when Phillip learns that there is life without her, that one day he won't think about her future.....hopefully, that will be me too. Now, I'm not expecting Mr.3 to get himself caught with some fatal STD like Mildred, but I can expect him to be sent to prison. And when Phillip realizes that all that he wants in life is right in front of him, I can realize that too.
The more I reflect on the book, the better that it is. Also the more I look at the similar frowny faces between Bette Davis as Mildred and Mr.3, the more sad these antagonist characters become....sad, pathetic, piteous, miserable, lamentable, useless, poor, rueful and any other synonyms you can think of relating to.
For the record though, I don't apply everything I read or see to Mr.3. The movie Teeth for instance....while pretty good, is not something that I identify with......... Of course, I think that it would be a special sort of woman who would want to have teeth in their vagina which they would use to castrate men with. It's an interesting skill-set though, I wonder if she includes that on her CV?
3 comments:
I've read that book... longish, but I still think about it periodically. I may be involved with my own Mildred right now. The biggest thing that gets me is when I ask if she likes something, say a kiss or a touch, and she responds just like mildred, "I don't mind."
The thing the book doesn't get into is Mildred's back story. It villianizes her, but doesn't speak or her past or her pain. My Mildred had a childhood filled with sexually abusive treatment and neglectful parenting. She is just starting to deal with her deeper issues now.
My feelings are sadly, tragically much like Philip's: I love her passionately and hunger for her like no other. Often her heartless treatment of me brings me to tears. I don't know what to do.
I've started expressing my frustration and suggested ending our relationship and as a result she has become much nicer, but the past lingers in my mind, and there are still many parallels with the characters in this book.
I think that you have hit upon an important unanswered question in the book... does her past matter? I used to think that the past did matter, that is why I let myself be hurt so much by my husband's behavior. It was the idea that he was such a victim that it was excusable. But it isn't excusable.
There should be a sense of fairness in relationships. And one partner shouldn't be punished emotionally for the 'baggage' the other partner has.
Now if you are in a situation where the other partner has admitted this baggage and wants to work through it and work through it with you by her side...then wonderful. That openess can lead to the fairness that your relationship needs to possess. Your Mildred needs to realize though that working through this and supporting her journey is a huge amount of self sacrifice on your part. You are giving, and she is taking. In order to prevent further emotional harm to yourself, you need to step back and not be as giving...you must remember that at this time, she may not be capable of anything other than taking from you.
And because of my own personal baggage, I would be weary of her being nicer to you when you have expressed your frustration. I would like to believe the best of people...and I held alot of hope in my former relationship, but I let that hope blind me to alot of other signs that I was just receiving lip-service from my husband. I let my boundaries break down and I ended up being so hurt by it.
Be careful of yourself. Loving someone unconditionally is a wonderful gift. And you are giving her unconditional love...and I used to think that the love I had for my husband would always be unconditional...but he hurt me so much that it became conditional.
The person's past doesn't matter. I had a horrible childhood and I don't treat people that way. People CHOOSE to be this way.
It saddens me that picture of "Mike" was taken in my house, that he was in my presence for so long. I'm still very angry.
K
by the way, put "Of Human Bondage" in my Netflix queue.
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