So Obviously Not....

As an update to the PGJ situation, I have to report that there is no news. Nothing at all.
I emailed him a few days after our coffee, and I've heard nothing back.

So....he's obviously not into me.

And this pisses me off, but for probably not the reasons you are thinking. First of all, my actions on the night of the party.... I am completely ok with everything that happened. I wanted physical contact, I knew what I was doing, and I got what I wanted. The second part of all of this however, is the coffee. I gave him an "out" of the coffee date totally... and if he had said "no" to the coffee, I would have been disappointed, but I would have understood.

But we did go to coffee. And I'm pretty sure that now-after the fact- that my "really liking him" freak out session was my intuition telling me that this was a hopeless pursuit. He admitted that he was really "shit-faced" that evening, but then also made this big deal about how he didn't want to be seen as a "fuck them and chuck them" type of guy. I took this as a sign that he didn't want this to be just a one-night stand. I should have focused more on the "I was shit-faced that night" remark.

As a short aside on the "fuck them and chuck them" remark.... his terminology by the way... I had never heard the term before. This statement implies that I was actively pursued with the intent that sleeping with me and then never speaking to me again afterwards was the goal. This makes me a passive player in this situation.....and I definitely was not a passive partner in this. How dare he assume that he is the one with the power in the situation? How does he not know that that was not my intent? It wasn't....but....well....I hope that you get my point.

So I'm a bit ticked off at PGJ. I've at least in the past had the courtesy to let a one-night stand know afterwards that I didn't want to see him. Here....it's a situation that I ended up helping to ease his own feelings about being the "fuck n' chuck" type.....and then he went ahead and treated me in that manner anyhow.

Also, I'm having major troubles reconciling the fact that I feel that he's a nice guy and a hypocrite at the same time.

C'est la vie

Marcel the Shell with Shoes On

Today was a good day. An exhausting long day. But a very good day. Car is fixed and it only cost $137....and I think that I have found a mechanic for life.

So in order to celebrate, watch this.....it's so fricking cute it makes me want to scream.

MARCEL THE SHELL WITH SHOES ON from Dean Fleischer-Camp on Vimeo.

The Wonderful Things that can Happen in a Pretty Bad Day

In an effort of trying to find the silver lining in every cloud, I am going to write about all the good things that happened in my very very bad day.

As my car was threatening to overheat on the ride home from piano yesterday I went to Jiffy Lube first thing this morning. They put coolant in the car and replaced the radiator cap that wasn't seeming to hold any pressure.

Bad Thing #1: As I was driving to the accountant's house, my car started to overheat and by the time I pulled into her driveway steam was billowing out of the front. I called Jiffy Lube and they said to come back and they would re-look at it. Good Thing #1: While at the accountant's house I learned how to use the accounting software and I was the one who processed payroll and ran all of the checks! It was very exciting in an awfully nerdy way. Good Thing #2: People will get paid today because of work that I did.

Good Thing #3: My car survived the ride back to town......but Bad Thing #2: the car started to overheat within sight of the Jiffy Lube. When I pulled up steam was coming out from under the hood and starting to fill into the car itself. My eyes were watering on top of all of the sweating from having the heater on to cool the engine in a car with one working window on a 98 degree day. Bad Thing #3: the guy at Jiffy Lube telling me that I either have a very cheap repair or a very expensive repair for my car that needs to have done at a mechanic's. Good Thing #4: My boss had the name of a mechanic that she trusts. Good Thing #5: My boss also talking me down from hysterics over my car and coming to pick me up. Good Thing #6: My boss taking me to lunch on the way back to the office. Good Thing #7: My car insurance completely paid for my car to be towed from Jiffy Lube to the mechanic's. Good Thing #8: My boss was willing to drive me back to Jiffy Lube to meet the tow truck. Bad Thing #4: The sight of my poor little car on the tow truck leaking out all of the coolant that Jiffy Lube had put into it. I sorta felt like PeeWee Herman when he has that dream in PeeWee's Big Adventure when his bike is totaled....and then they are wheeling it into the operating room....and then the doctor looks at the bike, shakes his head, then pulls off his mask only to show that he is a clown and .... well watch it yourself....

Good Thing #9: My boss drove me to my medical study workout session, and took the opportunity herself to go for an afternoon swim. Bad Thing #5: Being already hot and sweaty from dealing with the car and then getting even more hot and sweaty with working out is just nasty. Good Thing #10: Boss even picked me up from the workout session and drove me home. Good Thing #11: Shower. Bad Thing #6: Angry workout knees. Bad Thing #7: Some very hot and melty turtles when I got home. Good Thing #12: A cool bath perked them both right up and Zippy stopped sneezing (allergies again).

Let's tally up shall we? I've got 12 good things pitted against the 7 very bad things that happened today. I haven't heard from the mechanic yet, so that doesn't figure on our score sheet. And I am going to wait to see how the knees are in the morning before I decide to try and ride my bike to work tomorrow. Hopefully I have built up enough leg muscle to handle the trip.

See? I'm not all doom and gloom...big meany-faces in all their doubting...

Deconstructing my latest....well...thing

A friend of mine decided to set me up with a friend of his. I figured 'why the hell not' and met the guy at a party at his house two weeks ago. We talked some but a party isn't really a place to have deep conversations, however it IS the place to drink lots of alcohol and end up spending the night.
So needless to say, the physical chemistry is there.

The day after the party I sent PGJ a text message telling him that I hope that his hangover got better. We texted a bit back and forth about the evils of too much alcohol the next day. Tuesday morning, I sent him a text suggesting that if he wanted to take a break from the booze, how did he feel about coffee? And then asked him to join me for coffee later in the week. I didn't hear from him for almost 2 days. In that day or so of waiting, I went spiraling down some awful overly-dramatic middle-school-girl freakout train as to whether or not he liked me. I'm embarrassed to say that it even happened. I ended the emotional situation by texting him that I was a person who was not good with uncertainty and asked him to reply to the coffee message even if the answer was no. The answer was yes, that he had gotten busy at work and hadn't gotten a chance to reply. So everything was well.....but the ghost of the freakout lingered.....

Friday at 6pm, I met PGJ for coffee. While I was hopeful that I might be able to drag out the coffee to a longer evening, it turned out to be just coffee.
About halfway through coffee and conversation, I realized that I really really liked PGJ. When I had that realization everything became harder.....I felt like my flirting was forced. By the end of the evening I could feel the pressure of my wanting to let him know that I liked him, and felt like I completely blew the whole thing by only giving a hug. I did have to initiate the hug though.

So here is the issue. Liking PGJ makes me feel incredibly vulnerable. Anytime I feel that someone else might know my true feelings, I feel vulnerable. Me and vulnerable is a horrible combination. It leads to the overuse of watching sappy movies in order to have an excuse to cry and release all these emotions. It also leads to me pulling away and becoming an ice queen. I know that all this is due to my constant need to be in control.....because as long as I am in control I get hurt less. I hate that I have this sort of baggage. Before Mr.3 I could be as naive and trusting as anything....now I am so worried that someone is trying to hurt me. I worry that someone is trying to hurt me when I don't hear from them.....which is absolutely INSANE. Then again....I was controlled by Mr.3's silence for a long time.

Where does this leave me? It leaves me trying to constantly tell myself to take a chill pill. I met a wonderful man that I would like to get to know better. I met a man who I feel safe with....even in sleeping. I have never been able to sleep soundly while sharing a bed, and I did with him. I met a man that I have alot in common with......at least on the family and geek front....I've yet had the opportunity to question him on his Scifi likes.....hopefully I will get that chance soon.

I want him to be the one to ask me out next. I want the opportunity to go on a date with someone that might resemble normal. And I dearly dearly want to be able to date him without having any more of these emotional freakout lapses!

I'll let you know how it goes. If it does.

The Baby Decision and Other Momentous News

Stuff.
That is what going on, stuff.
Decisions, thoughts, and the occasional call to my mom that leaves her speechless.
That is what has been going on.....lots and lots of stuff.

I'll start with the news first. Prop 8 being ruled unconstitutional gives me much hope for my brother's future happiness. He's had more on an idea of what he wants for a wedding than I have ever had. One day, he will get that day under landscape arch.

Second on the news front. I haven't written very much on this blog of the horror what was the last 6-7 months of my employment at the MEC. Partly this is due to finding out that my former boss had printed out a page from my blog and supposedly was telling people that I was running a counterfeit id business.....and the fact that he was looking for strange and impossible means of firing me.... and he referred to me, my job, and the program it was under as an "abnormality that shouldn't have been allowed to survive". Well, for all of his changes, the new directions, and new programs that he was trying to implement, it apparently wasn't what the Department of Education wanted because he lost the grant that had funded the MEC for 50 years. I also find it funny that he apparently announced to the faculty (read the article comments) that the MEC had received the grant over a full week before the news that he didn't receive the money became public. Am I surprised? Not a bit. I feel bad for the staff and students at the center who have futures in jeopardy......do I feel bad for my old boss? Not in the slightest....in fact this has reaffirmed my belief in karmic payback.

Now on to the big news.....
It has become apparent that I need to re-evaluate some of my life plans. Oftentimes when I talk about having children I normally follow it with "its in the five year plan". The thing is, it has been in the five year plan for several years now.....and I keep pushing it back. It is sorta like the contractor in the movie "the Money Pit" saying that the work will be completed in two weeks and it takes like 10 times longer than that. I keep telling myself that I need to pay off all of my student loan debt before I have a child. To pay it all off will take me 8 years. 8 years! I'll be 39! When you add that to the fact that I am almost reduced to tears whenever I am around a small child the issue because much much worse. So instead of all this addition, I am doing some subtraction.

I plan to have a child within the next two years.

Research has started and the absolute earliest conception date would be November.....gotta start prenatal vitamins, you know. And well....there is alot of things that I am going to have to figure out. Money, daycare, sperm donation, there is alot....as I said it is in the research stage.

Here is what I do know.
*I have the space- if the worst happens and my parents need to move in with me, I'll share a room with the baby, if the best happens the baby will have a room all to his own.
*Unlike my brother, I never really knew what I wanted to do for my wedding, but I've had a birth plan decided on for ages. I even have names picked out: Evelyn if it is a girl, Owen if it is a boy. In fact, as I have had dreams for years that I have given birth to twins, I even have back up names: Eleanor and Eric (thanks Jimmy for the help on the last one).
*I've always loved kids, and have always wanted to be a mother. Not having this part of my life completed has caused me much heartache.
*There are still times when I can tell my Mom something that will leave her absolutely speechless.
* And while I may not be doing this in any traditional manner...I don't need to worry about having the support system of a spouse. I have family and friends who will be there willing to hold my hand. If I had any doubts, my little brother's reaction when I told him today was enough to wash those all away.

So, at the moment, it is only a decision. A happy one. One that have given me new focus. And it is a decision that can altered or changed along with life. But it is an important decision to have made.

I Hate You

This has been a crazy week and a half of crazy weeks and a half.
I turned 31 yesterday and the week leading up to this event has been filled anxiety, anger, and depression. It isn't the getting a year older thing that is causing the problem, but more of a convergence of random other things happening. Alot of it has been focused around Mr.3 and the specter of him. And while I tell people that there will always be a small little part of me that loved him....the part that hates him gets much stronger everyday. Here's why....

I hate the fact that words like "sociopath", "abuser", and "wanted felon" have become normal words in my vocabulary.

I hate the fact that people like you are around other people in my life.

I hate the fact that I am reminded of you when I talk to other people about the people who are like you in their lives.

I hate the fact that even though I would like to be in a partnered and stable relationship with someone right now, I'm not because I don't want to start the dating process and run the risk of meeting another person like you.

I hate the fact that I don't have children yet, however, I am very grateful that I never gave birth to a child that shared your DNA.

I hate the fact that friends we had together have a hard time talking to me, because it is now awkward with the knowledge of all the bad that you did and how betrayed it made them feel.

I hate the fact that I have to work three jobs to pay my bills because I am an honorable person who wants to pay off my debt....as opposed to the weakling that you are.

I hate the fact that you continue to take advantage of people, even after they think that they finally have gotten rid of you.

I hate the fact that you are a bully.

I hate the fact that my little brother can no longer have any sort of financial right of passage because your ugly, lazy, and degenerate ass has been there before him.

I hate the fact that you are incapable of having your own life and therefore must steal the identity of others....like my brother, or your two nephews, or your brother....and the list goes on..

I hate the fact that out of all the sad birthday stories that I share with people, that I can't share the story about the birthday you ruined because it is the only one I can't find a joke to tell about it.

I hate the fact that their aren't adequate words in the English language to describe what true scum you are.

I hate the fact that even though I try to put you behind me and move on....you somehow still manage to resurface in some way and remind me that I really truly do hate you.