Giving Voice

In a comment left last night on an older post where I referenced some feelings that I had towards my ex-husband, it was stated from an anonymous poster:

“Having read a few other of your postings (older ones), I find myself wondering what the other side of the story is/was. It would seem from the lack of comment by him that his most serious sin is that of cowardliness. What would you do if he came forward I wonder?”

My response to this anonymous poster was the following:

“Well it has to be understood that the very basic nature of a blog means that there is going to be one side of the story. And there is really nothing I can do about that. Mr.3 is more than welcome to come forward, in fact he has commented on this blog numerous times, but never under his own name. He has other sins besides the cowardice you note in my post, Anonymous. He's emotionally hurt many people, and financially many more.”

10 minutes after the comment on the I Hate You post appeared, a second comment was published on another post of mine which was clearly from my ex-husband.

“This is quite an epiphany, I must say. Especially since the abuse at times went both ways...but we can't share that now can we, D? That would strip you of the right to play the victim. And you are and always were high maintenance. As for Anonymous's post, ask her why, if her 'Scott' was such an abuser, she didn't come forward to testify when 'he' was in jail in Florida? Ask her why she refused to be involved. Same was true with the ex-wife. It is too bad really - such a pity, as you always could have been and done so much more.”

Due to the short difference in time to these comment postings, the syntax, and the general context of the comment, it is my opinion that I believe the author of both comments to be the same individual.

My response to the comment on the post The Empowering Work Epiphany that I was NOT expecting was the following:

“Well, hi Mike. It's been a while since you have directly commented.

You have stated that the abuse went both ways. Why can't you bring it up? So far the only thing that you have accused me of is being "high maintenance". I don't believe that I am. Others who really care about me, unlike you who left, don't believe that I am. In fact, you know full well that being labeled "high maintenance" and a "victim" are terms that will emotionally hurt me. And they don't now when coming from you. So please, try to strip away the victim guise I supposedly wear so well.
As for your questions for the other Anonymous commenter on my blog....I am actually not sure which one of your past ladies she is, as there are many that have been hurt by you. Maybe those are questions you should ask her yourself.”

Much to my surprise, I did receive a response back.

Anonymous said...

D:

Perhaps in the past I would have been afraid to put my own name on a post, much like some of the other Anons here, but not anymore. For the better part of three years of knowing you, I was badgered, belittled, and held back by your sheer lack of motivation. How many classes did you fail on the way to a Masters? How seriously did you take your insulin-resistance diagnosis? If I ever took an authoritarian stance with you, it was to help you, not hurt you. But those details never come up, and that's too bad.

What also surprises me is that you don't mention to anyone here how much we fought, and how often I begged you to open your eyes and come with me to DC. You don't tell people about the conversations where I told you I couldn't stay with you in Salt Lake anymore because of your lack of drive and SLC's lack of opportunities. You only tell them what you want them to know so you can be the victim. Honestly it's really sad and I feel really sorry for you.

I would ask for your forgiveness for the things I did do wrong in the end, but lets face it, you won't ever give it because it would disallow your ability to feel victimized. As for me, I've moved on - past the cheating ex-wife who like to screw the UPS guy and then try to pass his kid off as mine, past Courtney who is Anon (get over it, won't you please?), past Kathy, the drunk, and past insane nicole-crystal-bella-whoeverthehellsheis and the kid who looks an awful lot like the guy she ran off to the desert with while I was left to work in Orange County. And most of all, past you, who four years later is still moaning and blaming me for all your woes.

Also, you might want to make sure you can back up every single comment you say on here. I am not above hiring an attorney to slap you with a libel suit should you keep this up. So you might want to find someone else to blame for everything in your life; something to think about. Oh, and by the way, my name is Scott.

Why am I re-posting these comments in a separate blog post? I take accusations against my character very seriously, and I have been accused of not telling all sides of the story. Unfortunately, the only side that I know fully is my own. By reposting my ex-husband’s comments, I am highlighting the voice he wishes to give.

I also wish to give a response to this latest comment, and I want it to be the last conversation about my ex-husband that happens on this blog. Too much time has been devoted to him and how he has made me feel.

Dear Ex-husband,

This is the first time that you have directly communicated with me since Christmas Day 2007. On that morning, you called me and told me that you had been released from the VA Mental Health Division and that you were returning home. You had said that you were taking the bus to the house and would call me when you got to our home. At the time, I was in Arizona visiting my parents. I waited for your call and it never came. That was the last time that you deigned to speak to me.

You have said that you felt “badgered, belittled, and held back by [my] sheer lack of motivation”. I accept that this is how you feel. I accept that this is how you view what happened. That is not how I remember things.

You asked “How many classes did you fail on the way to a Masters?” The answer is 2. And I didn’t quite fail them, I got a C in my Syntax class and I believe a D in a class on curriculum design. However, as the grades were low they could not be counted towards my masters and I had to retake them. My Syntax C happened at a time when you were in jail in Florida. I was emotionally upset by your incarceration. I will not deny that. I let my emotions interfere with my ability to do well in the class. I take all responsibility for that C. And when I retook the class, I received an A. The second class that I “failed” as you put it, was the following semester. You had come home for three weeks, gone to DC for some “job training” and then told me that you had lost the job and checked into the VA for evaluation. I was not allowed to see you. I was emotionally upset at the situation, at not understanding what was going on. Once again, I let my emotions interfere with my ability to do well in class. I recognized that I needed to take a year off from my studies so that I could get to the point where my emotions did not interfere with my academic work. I retook the class. I passed the class. I finished my Masters degree. The fact that I finished my degree I feel shows that I do have motivation to finish something. Also, my Masters degree and the journey that it took me on is not your responsibility. You were not there to hold my hand. You were not there at my graduation. My Masters degree has nothing to do with how our relationship ended.

You have also asked “How seriously did you take your insulin-resistance diagnosis?” Just briefly I would like to state that my medical diagnosis has nothing to do with how our relationship ended. I took the diagnosis very seriously. I changed my eating habits, lowered my cholesterol, lost weight, seek regular medical care in which I am told that I am in excellent health, ran a 5K…. I’ve even enrolled myself in a medical study to help doctors understand more about the body. You publicly accusing me of having a medical issue and finishing my Masters degree are merely tools that you are using to deflect my earlier question to you about what abusive acts I committed.

You have also stated that you are surprised that I never mentioned how we fought or how you begged me to go to DC. I never mentioned them, because we never had those conversations. We very very rarely fought….in fact I can’t remember having a verbal fight. I know that on a couple of occasions, I tried. But your response was that you refused to fight with me because people end up saying things that they don’t mean. So nothing was said. It just festered in the silence between us. I was more than willing to go to DC with you. More than willing to support you. In fact I financially supported you in that. I bought the bus ticket for you to go to DC. It cost half the rent money and because no job materialized and you took that opportunity to leave me then, I had to be the one to figure out a way of begging our landlord to not evict us. In a way, I wish that we had fought because it would have been some sort of communication between us. On this note, it can only be further said that it is your word against mine.

We can feel sorry for each other. I don’t see myself as a victim. I see myself as a survivor. This blog is more of a collection of my rants rather than a true representation of my daily life and daily thought process. I don't blame you for every little thing that goes wrong in my life. You honestly don't have that much control. There are many many things in my life that I don’t write about. One of those things is that I forgave you long ago. I don’t have the strength or the ability to waste the mental energy to still be mad at you. You have your own morality, beliefs, and ways of doing things and I have mine. I don’t want to spend time trying to figure out how you think or what your next move is. That’s seems like a game to me. And I am not going to play. I forgave you when I looked back at my life and realized that even though I have felt that I have been through hell and back, that I would not change a thing. The person that I am now, is so much stronger and self aware then I was before we met. I like the person I am now so much better. And if I had to get there through all of the heartache, then all I can do is thank you.

While it does feels a little bit like a threat to me…..you have reminded me that I need to be careful as to what I say here about you, what I can prove and not prove. I would ask you to do the same. I can prove your infidelity. I can prove your abandonment of me as grounds for the divorce. I can prove the fraudulent financial acts that you committed in my little brother’s name. I can prove many other things. I am not sure why you feel that it is necessary to lay out the “dirt” -so to speak- about the other women in your life on my blog. It sounds like you are still very angry with them. It is clear that you have physically moved on from these relationships. It is also clear that you have a history of relationships that can be categorized as “negative”. You’ve had a run of bad luck, and so have these other women.

I have heard (so its definitely heresay) that you are looking to reclaim your original name and your life. I suspect part of that journey is why you contacted me. If that is the truth then I wish you the best of luck. I believe that everyone should live their life honestly. You will have a lot to go through to regain your name and put it in good standing. You will have to admit to a lot of wrong and atone….. and probably rack up some nasty legal bills in the process to correct everything. If you truly have the strength of mind and character to do what needs to be done, then all I can do is to wish you well. If you can truly do this, then you will have proven me wrong.