Thinking, thinking, thinking...I feel that is all I have been doing the past few days.
Today is Mom's birthday. Jimmy and I got her some Mums for Mom, she seemed to like them. I just feel that it is a feable effort on my part. I am going to try to do some drawings for her later this week. For dinner tonight we were going to go to P.F. Chang's but the one in happy valley is closed so we are going to go to Golden Corral instead-much to the relief of my Dad and little brother.

Libby emailed me today and told me all about the things that she and Marshall have been up to. They met on Wednesday night and have seen each other every day since then. I know that at the moment he is just serving as a distraction for her to help forget her love for Colin, but I am starting to feel really uneasy about this situation. It seems like too much way too fast. In the past she could easily operate like this, but not now. Colin cut her deeper than she thinks. Jerk.

I have also been paniking about September, I know that my feelings are going to get trampled again, but then again I am driven to put myself in the path of this man. I am preparing for the worst and holding out for hope. I don't handle ambilvence well. and the other side of me worries that what happens if I get what I want. Have I only been doing this for the chase, to see if this works. If it does, will I still want him? I have done this before, and this shallowness in my soul scares me. I don't want to be like that, but I am afraid that I am. Take Wednesday, no chase to persue, so I didn't care. Hummm, that might not make the most sense to anyone but me. I hope that in this case, that this is not shallowness. Kani is not the type to flatter my vanity. I do believe in thunderbolts and I felt it when I first met him, which yes, makes me lame. I have seen the reality of him, I understand what I would be in store for, and although it is not a romantic ideal, I still yearn for it. Damn I am a pain in the ass.

On Friday I got a handbook in the mail from the phone sex line company that I applied too. I need to read through the handbook again, but I think that I am going to do it. In any case it would be a very interesting experiment, would it not? Would this not test my character? Is it really possible to play out a part that is not me? Questions with answers for later.