I need to rage

and you are now my unwilling victim.

Mr.3 and I almost had a fight, but it was one of those fights where I told him just to leave the office before I snapped and said something that I really shouldn't have. So it is like we are fighting but haven't said anything yet.

Mr.3 cannot drive, and I am not sure if I had mentioned this before, but when he was deployed and later injured, while in hospital the hospital staff gave him a medication that they knew (it was in his records) that he was allergic to. He started to have seizures because of it. Now it is a national guideline that if you seizure you can not drive, so his liscene has been suspended until he can prove that he has been seizure free for at least 3 years. I do not fault him in any way because of that. Every morning he comes to school with me, but also he has to be at the school too. Every night I pick him up from work at 11 pm because I know that the buses do not run that late. Now he has to be at work at 3. Before classes started, I was able to work my schedule to take the time out to drive him to work (but that was only one week before classes have started), now with me going to school, I have to be more careful about time that I take off. And my boss doesn't really care about me leaving periodically, but my own personal work ethic does. I am not under any obligation to give him a ride to work, I have when I can, but I am under no obligation to do so.

So this brings us to today...first of all, I hurt, and bad. I lifted something last night and my back has been spasming all day, walking hurts, sitting hurts, I just plain hurt and pain medication is not helping it. So it is about 1:30 and I realize that there is no way that I want to walk out to my car and back today to take him to work. So I start to look up the university shuttle schedules for him, because the weather is incredibly foggy/smoggy and walking outside hurts your lungs. But with the way that the office was working this afternoon I didn't get a chance to go down the hall and talk to him about until just before 2, plenty of time for him to walk and or take the shuttle--it is about a 15-20 minute walk to his work from the campus. So I tell him that I really don't want to walk down to my car and back, that my back is hurting too much to do so, and he gets all snippy with me because I should have told him earlier...I told him that I was busy but that I did manage to get the shuttle schedule for him..and then he starts (starts mind you because I was not going to let him go on about it) about how I need to tell him these things ahead of time and blah blah blah. I'm sorry but did he ever ask me to give him a ride? No. When i told him that I didn't want to walk to my car and back because I hurt, he tells me just to leave early from work. That is a lovely option (please note my sarcasm here) I love just leaving work whenever I fucking feel like it, forget about me needing to make any money or work my hours or anything, because it really isn't that important in the long run. I'm sorry but him finally contributing one paycheck does not mean in any way that I should take my job lightly.
So I can see the train wreck of a fight coming on, because I am not going to budge on this one, so I tell him just to leave before I get angry and start saying things that I shouldn't. Which of course he starts asking me what I am going to say...look I don't want to get into a fight over something that we have already discussed before. I don't want to get into a fight at work, and I don't even want to fight at home, one, because he pouts for hours afterwards, and two my parents are visiting, and all I want to do is present to them the happy situation that we are living, not get into a fight over something stupid insignificant thing because he is pushing for a bit of drama. Last week he told me that I was being "withdrawn" from him. Well, I'm sorry, I have been stressed and I don't want to take anything out on him, also I am not used to having someone even around who cares about what I think. This is a new thing for me, and if I am a little withdrawn in the effort of preventing stupid little fights then you are just going to have to be a little patient with me. It doesn't mean that I don't love him any less, but I don't want to jeopardize anything over a misunderstanding. Because yes, the insecure part of me is worried about screwing up somehow and losing him.

When I told him to leave, I told him that it would just give us a chance to calm down, and he storms off saying that it wouldn't. Damn it! It just makes me so angry! I am his girlfriend, not his chaffaur! Where does he get off just assuming that I am going to be there all the time to drive him somewhere. I know that one day I won't be able to, that is why I keep pushing him to get his new ID, so he can get his bus pass and stuff. Find your own fucking ride! or at least have the courtesy to ask me sometimes, especially if you know that I am at work, and that I don't feel comfortable leaving work all the time. And I didn't want to get upset, I didn't, but now I am, and trying not to cry at my desk...and I know that I have to call him at work and handle this now because my parents and I are going to go to the resturant this evening, and I am not having any awkardness during that meal.

See the thing is, I know that we are both tired...getting to bed at midnight and then getting up at 6, coupled with the flu, and the move...we are both tired and frayed to the breaking point. All I want to do is sleep and relax, but I can't right now because there is so much to do. And if he starts telling me that I need to be doing more than what I already am anymore I am going to snap, because I am doing the best that I can with his worries and my worries both upon my back.