Sunday, September 11, 2005

The Straight Talk on my Health

Part of the reason why I have been so quiet this week, is that I have been having a bit of a health crisis. On Wednesday I had my long awaited appointment with the neuro-opthomalogist, Dr. Warner. As promised the appointment was over 3 hours long, and I had a bunch of interesting eye tests done (they also took pictures of my optic nerves which was pretty cool) the long and the short of it is that I have what I thought I have, which is a relapse of my psuedo tumor cerebri. The only preventative cure for this is permanent weight loss (which is what I did in 1997 when I was first diagnosed), the relapse was triggered by my recent I'm-so-happy-in-love-with-Mr3-weight gain. The good news really is that I went into the doctor sooner rather than later, and I can start working on things before the symptoms get too bad (headaches, migraines, dizziness...I could go blind---fun stuff all the way around). I have a follow-up appointment in December in which basically I was told, lose weight or get another spinal tap done...which is something that I cannot go through again. The first time was bad enough...a second time and I would definitely have a nervous breathdown. Last Friday I was supposed to get another MRI done. Now I have had one before, I wasn't sedated, and I did have a mild panic attack. So I thought that I could handle it. I couldn't. They hadn't even put me in all the way inside the tube before I completely lost it. I mean really lost it. I was crying hysterically and thought that I was going to die. I cried in the waiting room for 45 minutes after I got redressed. So I am going to go back in on Monday evening and have them sedate me. Honestly I have never been that scared (or claustraphobic) in my life before. Even typing about it now 2 days after the fact I start to shake. I think what is happening to me is that a lot of the baggage from the first dianogsis is hitting me again, but in a condensed form. The first time it took over 2 years, going to doctor after doctor, to get a dianogsis. I really don't know how I survived the last year of high school as I was having daily migraines. At one point in our oddesey I was told that I had a brain tumor, a brain aneurism, or absolutely nothing wrong with me. That is hard for an 18 year old to take, and even though I know what is wrong with me now, it is hitting this 26 year old much much harder than before.

Next month, I am supposed to go to California for my Grandpa's birthday party, and I decided today that I am not going. I can hardly handle my own stuff right now, a dying grandfather would be beyound my grasp. Yes, I know that it is selfish, but I do plan on going to visit him later in the year, after the semester ends, so that I can have some quality time with him and introduce him to Mr.3. I was sad when I told my mom this, but she understands. Grandpa will just have to as well.

So now you know that I am a nutcase who can't handle things that I should be able know that I am a selfish person who prioritizes family events by her own level of emotional stabilty...and you know that you are perhaps getting the most honest protrayal of my mental state at the moment. I would like to say that I feel bad about California, but I feel really relieved. I only hope that I can hold it together for tomorrow. One day at a time, baby steps....


Dimari said...

You are not a nutcase! 1996-1997 was a horrible time in your life, and others. One day at a time works really well. Things will get better, you just need to BELIEVE it. Love you! Dimari

Stephanie said...

Good luck with things and let me know if you need ANYTHING at all. also i will run/walk/or swim with you if you want. let me know.