Painted Harlot in a Helmet

My natural skin color is white, white to the point of translucence. Now with summer coming I would like to have a bit of a tan, but I refuse to waste time trying to tan, let alone the skin cancer risks....this leaves with the only option of fake tanners.
I had gotten a sample of the Jergens Skin Glow lotion, supposedly it will not streak and is fool-proof...it isn't, as I managed to give myself streaks. So then I switched to the Neutragena air-brush thingy. The bottle said to apply an even coat, but you don't see the tan for a couple hours. Wednesday evening before going to the CFR dinner I decided to apply it to my legs. We still couldn't see the tan when we came back and went to bed. The next morning my legs looked like a kindergartener had taken marker to them....apparently it isn't fool-proof and that whatever I seem to think is an even application really is something that resembles swirling modern art.

Then today Mr.3 and I went to the Army Navy Surplus Store. Everytime I had been in there before I was a) with clients and b) completely broke. My goal was to get something cool from the store....I got 3 cool things: one, a soft comfy t-shirt for $3, two, a canvas tote bag that could withstand anything that I could throw at it, and three (and definitely the coolest) I got a helmet that looks like this:
Now all I need is a machete and a little native man to be a pack-mule for all of my stuff as we go through the jungle. Mr.3 has a picture on his phone of me wearing it...he thinks that it is funny and really, it is. This is only a glimpse into the silliness that will be me as a mother....I'll make sure to get matching helmets for all of my future children.