Thursday, November 09, 2006


I think that I am but then again, I am not really sure. If I wasn't as busy I might be able to evaluate my situation more clearly.

Basically I think that I am having issues with my multiple roles: student, worker, daughter, wife, and now...a mom of sorts.

Student: I didn't start to study for my midterm on Tuesday until Monday night at 9pm. I hadn't been doing any of my readings at all during the semster so there was a lot to catch up on. I have projects coming due that I have not started...and I have been working on getting my committee set up and my thesis topic approved. I am a horrible student actually, but I manage to pull things out all right in the end. Additionally, I don't want to go to class today, but I will probably go just so that I have time to write a letter to Mr.3 or not go because it is raining and there a lot of wet leaves on the, and wet leave+rain+running late for class=disaster for me.

Worker: I feel like I am just skirting by in Outreach, I should be so much more productive than what I am. As for Global Voices, I haven't written anything in close to 3 weeks for them now. I am sure that I am annoying my editor and disappointing my readership. I tried to work on my Kurdish article last night, but I couldn't focus...I'm so tired and emotionally distraught. I think Grandpa's death is affecting me more than what I want to admit. And of course, I start my first full shift at Williams and Sonoma today. Between the two jobs it will be a 10 hour work day.

Daughter: I want to be supportive of my family and I feel like I am failing in that as well. I know that my mom is going through a hell of a lot right now: one, with being a mom in general, two, she is in mourning, three, she is getting a house ready to sale, four, she is supporting my dad emotionally while he is looking for a new job, five, empty-nest sydrome from my brother...and well it is alot. She called me at 10 last night, wanting to talk and I feel that I failed her because I was too tired to really hold on a conversation. And I am also dealing with my Mother-in-law, who I have just met and only talked to on the phone a few times. Even though we have been thrust together under strange circumstances, I still have to be respectful of her while she chews me out about her phone bill (which I will go into more detail about soon). I just want to make everyone happy...or at least to be a support for them, and I am not very good at it.

Wife: the situation with Mr.3 is so complex at the moment that I will surely qualify for my own lifetime special. He was in the VA, then got picked up by the FEDs for studying about terrorism and was put on their watchlist, and now because of some issues left over from someone stealing his identity a couple of years ago (this person broke alot of laws in my husband's name) he is now in a jail in florida. I can write letters to him and get phone calls, but at a price. since Utah has tariffs on inmate phone calls (the bastards!), I have to pay a HUGE fee to speak to him. Inmates can make collect calls. His mom can talk to him for 15 minutes and only pay $2.50. I talk to him for 15 minutes, and I pay $18.34. So I have very little sympathy for his mom. She hasn't even gotten her phone bill for $25 worth of calls yet, and I have already paid $150. I will complain about inmate billing services and the fact that I have to pay for my husband being in the jail in another post. I have to contact a lawyer to file for bankruptcy and I am too busy to even do that. Now that I can have regular contact with Mr.3, the separation is much harder to bear. The reconcilliation that we need to do needs to be done face to face, not on opposite sides of the country.

Last night I dreamt that I had received word that he had died. And I tried to move on and start again. Then when I was in another relationship I received word that it was a mistake and that he was coming home...and I had to tell him that I had been cheating. Even in my dreams I seem to be failing the ones that I love.

Mom: well my little brother has made it through 2 full days at school. I know that he is going through a difficult time adjusting to not only the new living arrangements but a new school. He seems to be doing well. I want to be home in the afternoons and evening for him, but school and work interfere. Plus, now I have to take care of someone else...I have to remember to make meals for others. Most of the time I am just lazy and don't eat, but I can't do that to my brother. The dishes aren't done, the house is a wreck and the laundry is never ending.

Overall, I just feel like I am a failure in everything. I either need more hours in the day, or not to sleep...but I have to sleep because I am so exhausted from everything else. It is a horrible cycle and I feel like I am caught in that stupid Groundhog Day movie with Bill Murray... ever notice that that movie was good the first time you watched it, but that it just got worse and worse on the other times? And apparently they are starting a TV series along that same theme...oh the endless repetition of the world! Gag!

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