Saturday, March 10, 2007

and yes, I feel safe with him

I was hoping to hear from Mr.3 last night, but when it got to be about 10pm I had given up hope and just went to bed. He called at about 11pm-ish and talked for about 3 minutes, making the complete talking time with him yesterday just under 6 minutes. It was better when he was in jail.

He called to tell me a couple of being that he missed me and wanted to come home. It was clear that he was on some sort of medication. Apparently the doctors let him on the internet for a couple of minutes yesterday in order for him to check my blog. I guess that he has told them about it. And according to Mr.3, it made them realize why I need to be brought into the process...that and the anger of not being able to see me created in him.

Mr.3 said that he did something bad yesterday and had to be sedated. I asked him to tell me what happened. Some grad student in the ward at lunch yesterday told Mr.3 that "he didn't really understand what it was like to be away from family." I don't know what this guy's aim was...maybe he was referring to his mission or something...but this is something that you DO NOT EVER say to someone who has been deployed for long periods of time, to someone who is clearly away from their family at the moment because of treatment, and this is something that you do not say to someone who has "anger issues" and has been denied the right to see his family. Bad things happen. Such as Mr.3 picking him up and slamming him against the wall. Mr.3 was sedated for this and he doesn't know how bad the kid was hurt....but he suspected that he broke a couple of his ribs.

I am not upset by this news. It clearly shows the grad student did something stupid in unnecessarily provoking a patient with anger issues. I don't know if it was something that just slipped out or if the kid was trying to make him feel guilty......clearly the application of guilt does not really work.

I was about to give Mr.3 my reaction to this--all I got out was "if they really think that I need to be involved in this process, they need to contact me...." and the phone hung up. Similar to last time. Mr.3 shows a tendency to call me when he is hopped up on sedation meds, confesses a bit, and then hangs up. I don't know if I should be grateful for these calls or not. Yes, he is confiding to me and showing me that he really does want and need me....but two, this is alot to lay on someone late at night in a conversation that doesn't seem to be had. I think that in the long run I should be happy that he called me. I am safe territory, a confessor who loves him unconditionally.

What seriously disturbs me is the fact that his medical staff has been reading my blog. It is not the act of reading my blog that disturbs me, but the fact that they are reading it.....reading my pain....and still not contacting me. Isn't this some violation of the Hippocratic oath? "Thou shalt do no harm?" Not being involved, not being allowed to see him, or even to verify that my husband is where he thinks that he is....isn't that causing both me and him harm? Are they viewing this as an opportunity to evaluate my mental stability? Because, trust ups and downs...the panic attacks...the episodes of longing are not included here. I may mention little things that are clues, like the fact that I am now exclusively sleeping on Mr.3 side of the bed or about being frustrated about money....but none of it adequately conveys the depths in which this situation really has messed me self esteem, my new developing phobia of being left or of being taken advantage of....or of how all the reading that I am doing right now in order to understand some of the experiences of what my husband has been through gives me the strange dreams and causes me to shake when I read.

If it is true that Mr.3's patient care team is monitoring this blog....they should be ashamed of themselves.

Sometimes mere observation can do so much more harm than good. Hopefully it is a lesson that that grad student learned yesterday.

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