Re-Violation

I was reading in the coffee shop at the end of our street when I had the unpleasant experience of having the doctor who so mangled me at my last girlie exam come into the shop (you remember, the one who even though I talked to her about my latex allergy, still used latex gloves on my exam...my internal exam). At first it was this strange look between us and I was trying to remember who she was and why I was getting the bad vibe. When she finally turned around I recognized her and felt a flood of emotions that I still cannot categorize.

Anger. Rage. Confusion....and the final one.....a flood of panic. Panic at the violation she had imposed on me....panic because all the feelings of inadequacy, the feelings of the physical pain of the aftermath....panic at not feeling right as a woman....panic with the worry that she might have caused irreversible damage.

I had to leave....I had to get out of there....being in the same room felt like it was all happening again. In fact I burst into tears as soon as I got outside the shop. I am still trying to heal from that January appointment. January! I wonder if this is how people feel when they face rapists.....

as if the violation is happening all over again.