Saturday, January 19, 2008

Body Issues? Or Just High-Waist Pants?

All I can say is thank god that I had good self esteem before I ever met Mr.3, because without that foundation to fall on I would have crumbled by this point. I've been sick this week....and unfortunately, being sick also gives me time to think as I lay immobile on the couch feeling like death on a cracker. And I have been thinking about Mr.3, alot.

I've been doing the completely unhealthy thing of reviewing our life together....reviewing odd little things that happened that didn't have significance then but does now.

Such as how I dress. When we met I dressed to my strengths...which meant showing off the boobs. And when we were first together "relations" were never our problem. Money yes, but the bedroom never. As things went by and the money things became harder...relations went downhill. In fact after our honeymoon all activity stopped. During this time, Mr.3 had encouraged me to buy a few clothing items: big roomy shirts that hid my figure, and a pair of blue jeans that I hated because they hid my hips. I wore these items often because he said that he liked them on me....but they made me look downright matronly. Now I wonder if he did that on purpose....that it would be easier to not be with me, that it would be easier to ultimately leave me, if I was no longer a desirable sexual object.

Other little things such as his (what I thought were prudish) reactions to "suggestions" that I had in the bedroom....did he turn me down so often because he knew we was going to leave me anyway? Was it that if we had so much physical intimacy that he knew he wouldn't be able to go? And did I aid him in that in trying to dress in the manner he said pleased him?

I know that I shouldn't be thinking of these things....that dwelling on them causes nothing but pain. I don't know if I have been manipulated...and should I be angrier at him for manipulating me or at myself for allowing it to happen? I guess the most damaging part of this is also that I am actually entertaining the possibility that I was with someone, loved someone, for over three years now that started out our relationship wanting to hurt me. It is easier for me to believe that he didn't start out that way. That he really did love me...but that things got so out of hand for him that he didn't have the courage to stop it.

I dreamt about him last night. He was getting married to some really old woman...near the grave sort of old. He apparently made her feel so good about herself that her wedding dress was practically see-through (which wasn't a pretty site---although I think that my mind added some grotesqueness that wasn't necessary). Mr.3 didn't have his customary goatee but more of a handlebar mustache....and he was dressed (and acting a bit) foppish. I was attending their wedding and I was going to object because he was still married to me. When he saw that I was at the ceremony he ran and I chased after him. Eventually I caught him...I kept asking him "why? why?!" and he replied "I'll poke anything if it gets me money". I let him go, I let him escape...I think that somehow he got onto a boat and sailed away or something. Which was probably best because his foppish outfit would have worked as pirate dress... Anyway, I cliche-ly woke with a start this morning from the dream and couldn't get back to sleep. Where I had once felt so confident about myself, I feel degraded.

I know that I did nothing wrong. I know that I was a good wife...and even now, now that marriage is ending, I have still been good to him. I've still defended him against the blind anger attacks that have been levied upon him by hurt family and friends. I did everything I could, everything that I possibly could. And I won't say that it wasn't enough....just that he didn't want what I had to offer anymore.

Today marks the first day that I have cried about Mr.3 for almost two weeks. Someone asked me the other day after hearing the story, whether or not I would take him back. My first response, my automatic response, was "no, he cheated". But that response feels hollow. Like I am not angry at all about is just something to say. Like I am still really not sure how I feel. I guess that maybe since I have spent over 11 months thinking that he was going to come home that maybe I haven't really processed it yet. Or it could be that I already have and have been giving him lip service for months as to my willingness to stick things through with him. I don't know. I haven't put my wedding ring on since I first took it off, but that doesn't stop me from checking all the time to see if it is on....and having to remind myself why it is off.

While in the past few months I have been down over this situation and what I could do to make it I am in the unusual spot of feeling bad about my appearance...and how I let it be I allowed myself to change for something that could be so devious.

1 comment:

Glenn Kelley said...

This post fills in the missing pieces.Your husband is into control.The way you dressed and withholding sex are forms of emotional domination.That's the reason that he kept talking to you after he left.He could dominate 2 women instead of one.

What he did to you was emotional abuse.

Please understand that the man you married was an illusion,you really don't know the real person.