Thursday, January 24, 2008

I said the "S" word....

Libby and I were coming back from lunch and I was discussing the Dr. Phil episode (yes, I admit that I watch the is like Maury but a bit classier, and no paternity tests) that was on yesterday. They were interviewing admitted con artists....and watching them I just wasn't buying their sincerity. Their crying seemed so fake to me...and then I just felt like I was watching Mr.3 cry about how sorry he was that he hurt me and that he would never do that again. And then I said it....the S word....sociopath.

Of course, I said the word without really having a background knowledge into what I just said. And not that an afternoon on the internet makes you an expert, but it is enlightening.

Here is some of the profile guidelines (with my comments):
  • Glibness and Superficial Charm (Ouch, check)
  • Manipulative and Conning
    They never recognize the rights of others and see their self-serving behaviors as permissible. They appear to be charming, yet are covertly hostile and domineering, seeing their victim as merely an instrument to be used. They may dominate and humiliate their victims. (Check, especially in reference to his entire relationship with my brother)
  • Grandiose Sense of Self
    Feels entitled to certain things as "their right." (Holy cow batman! Check)
  • Pathological Lying
    Has no problem lying coolly and easily and it is almost impossible for them to be truthful on a consistent basis. Can create, and get caught up in, a complex belief about their own powers and abilities. Extremely convincing and even able to pass lie detector tests. (Check...oh so much proof, on a grand scale and on the little white lie scale)
  • Lack of Remorse, Shame or Guilt
    A deep seated rage, which is split off and repressed, is at their core. Does not see others around them as people, but only as targets and opportunities. Instead of friends, they have victims and accomplices who end up as victims. The end always justifies the means and they let nothing stand in their way. (Not sure on this one.....just because of another complication in his personality that I will discuss later.)
  • Shallow Emotions
    When they show what seems to be warmth, joy, love and compassion it is more feigned than experienced and serves an ulterior motive. Outraged by insignificant matters, yet remaining unmoved and cold by what would upset a normal person. Since they are not genuine, neither are their promises. (I'm not sure what to answer on this one, because I need to feel like he loved me and admitting otherwise is...bad.)
  • Incapacity for Love (don't want to believe that it is true...but could be)
  • Need for Stimulation
    Living on the edge. Verbal outbursts and physical punishments are normal. Promiscuity and gambling are common. (Let's just look at his need to be on the computer with the news on and talking about it at the same time....check)
  • Callousness/Lack of Empathy
    Unable to empathize with the pain of their victims, having only contempt for others' feelings of distress and readily taking advantage of them. (Check, not to me so much but I saw him act this way to others.)
  • Poor Behavioral Controls/Impulsive Nature
    Rage and abuse, alternating with small expressions of love and approval produce an addictive cycle for abuser and abused, as well as creating hopelessness in the victim. Believe they are all-powerful, all-knowing, entitled to every wish, no sense of personal boundaries, no concern for their impact on others. (Check....I'm still annoyed with the fact that he sold back a bunch of my textbooks for money...although he did buy me a gift with that....but it wasn't needed.)
  • Early Behavior Problems/Juvenile Delinquency
    Usually has a history of behavioral and academic difficulties, yet "gets by" by conning others. Problems in making and keeping friends; aberrant behaviors such as cruelty to people or animals, stealing, etc. (Not sure on this one....but you never know.)
  • Irresponsibility/Unreliability
    Not concerned about wrecking others' lives and dreams. Oblivious or indifferent to the devastation they cause. Does not accept blame themselves, but blames others, even for acts they obviously committed. (Check, Captain Obvious)
  • Promiscuous Sexual Behavior/Infidelity
    Promiscuity, child sexual abuse, rape and sexual acting out of all sorts. (Infidelity definitely, check.)
  • Lack of Realistic Life Plan/Parasitic Lifestyle
    Tends to move around a lot or makes all encompassing promises for the future, poor work ethic but exploits others effectively. (Ouch, check. I was revisiting my 5 year plan last night, and alot on it has changed because of his absence.)
  • Criminal or Entrepreneurial Versatility
    Changes their image as needed to avoid prosecution. Changes life story readily. (Oh wow...check!)

  • I found an online test that Mr.3 scored high on as well. And on a page that had tips on how to recognize a con artist...I swear that it defined our first date:
    Testing boundaries with money.
    Usually, this occurs early in the relationship. For example, he may ask you out to dinner and when the check comes say, "Oh, honey, I left my wallet in the car."

    I seriously thought he was joking when he said "how about taking me to lunch?" He wasn't.

    Continuing on....I still think that Mr.3 has PTSD. Which would be an interesting if would make him more unstable than previously thought. I remember a conversation where he once told me that in order to do intelligence jobs for the government that they need to fit into a certain psychological profile...that they needed to have a lack of morals. Basically, they would need to have alot of sociopathic tenancies. He knows this as he admitted that he fit that profile. And he has many many symptoms of PTSD....which implies having emotional this leaves us in a situation where he knows that he is a sociopath and is actively choosing to follow the easier path. A sociopath with choice....completely frightening.

    In any case, this new development needs much more research. Libby's mom has recommended "The Sociopath Next Door" and I redeemed some bonus points from the book club that I belong to and the book is being sent to me cheap. So we will see where this leads us.

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