Robot Chicken - Calvin and Hobbes
Friday, November 17, 2006
Routine.
I wrote the letter...well part of it anyway...but I am going to wait to give it to him when he is back home. Libby and Mom read it and told me that it was mild. Either way, the act of writing the letter was very soothing. I cried for a little while after I wrote it. I haven't been able to cry for a while so it was nice.
I think that I am beginning to get used to the new routine. ..at least where my brother and job 1 and job 2 are concerned. I have a ton of school work coming due and this weekend will be rough. I also finally got around to cleaning the house (parents are coming to stay for this weekend and for thanksgiving), so now that the house is clean after the explosion that hit it when Jimmy moved in it will be easier to keep up. Of course in order to find time to clean the house this morning I got up at 4am.
And to the anon. commentator... your well wishes do mean something to me. I thank you for them. Take care.
I think that I am beginning to get used to the new routine. ..at least where my brother and job 1 and job 2 are concerned. I have a ton of school work coming due and this weekend will be rough. I also finally got around to cleaning the house (parents are coming to stay for this weekend and for thanksgiving), so now that the house is clean after the explosion that hit it when Jimmy moved in it will be easier to keep up. Of course in order to find time to clean the house this morning I got up at 4am.
And to the anon. commentator... your well wishes do mean something to me. I thank you for them. Take care.
Tuesday, November 14, 2006
The letter I wish that I could write
I have not been able to talk or write to my husband since August without having someone else listening or reading what was written....nothing has been private with us for so long that I am afraid that I will never be able to have a candid and honest conversation with him...if I have in fact ever have.
I have alot of anger issues....a lot. And I want to write a letter to Mr.3 detailing all the places that he has hurt me. He has destroyed my trust...yet me made me feel like a horrible person for not trusting him in August when he was obviously lying to me. I wanted him to meet me halfway: emotionally, financially....marriage is a partnership after all....and all I feel like I have been doing is trying to please him, to make me happy...when I don't see him trying to do much of that for me. I have never said no to him...and that, is going to change.
In his letters he apologizes for not being there during my Grandpa's death...he knew how much it meant to me to have the two of them meet, and they never did. But there is no apology for what he has put me through, the lying, none of that. No apology for any of the hurt he has caused me.
Case in point. I have asked him for practically nothing...but one thing that I did want was a shiny wedding ring. He told me several times that he had picked something out and had put a downpayment on something and that I would just love it...etc...etc...etc. And when we finally had the money for it, he made an annoucement that we needed to go down to the mall that I knew had the jewelery store that he had supposedly made arrangements with, he said that we needed to buy "something special". So here I am, excited that I am finally going to get what he had promised...and what did he buy....$200 of name-brand shirts that he didn't need. Thinking about it now still makes me tear-up. I didn't want anything expensive and regardless of all of the promises that he gave me, I watched (and let) him spend money easily over 6 times the cost of that ring on frivilious items...each time getting more and more hurt in the process.
so I need to tell him these things...and I think that it is important that he knows just what exactly he will be coming home to when the time comes...not that I am some raging beast (at least I don't think so), but I feel that I need to let him know some things now. He has so much to answer for...so much.
I have alot of anger issues....a lot. And I want to write a letter to Mr.3 detailing all the places that he has hurt me. He has destroyed my trust...yet me made me feel like a horrible person for not trusting him in August when he was obviously lying to me. I wanted him to meet me halfway: emotionally, financially....marriage is a partnership after all....and all I feel like I have been doing is trying to please him, to make me happy...when I don't see him trying to do much of that for me. I have never said no to him...and that, is going to change.
In his letters he apologizes for not being there during my Grandpa's death...he knew how much it meant to me to have the two of them meet, and they never did. But there is no apology for what he has put me through, the lying, none of that. No apology for any of the hurt he has caused me.
Case in point. I have asked him for practically nothing...but one thing that I did want was a shiny wedding ring. He told me several times that he had picked something out and had put a downpayment on something and that I would just love it...etc...etc...etc. And when we finally had the money for it, he made an annoucement that we needed to go down to the mall that I knew had the jewelery store that he had supposedly made arrangements with, he said that we needed to buy "something special". So here I am, excited that I am finally going to get what he had promised...and what did he buy....$200 of name-brand shirts that he didn't need. Thinking about it now still makes me tear-up. I didn't want anything expensive and regardless of all of the promises that he gave me, I watched (and let) him spend money easily over 6 times the cost of that ring on frivilious items...each time getting more and more hurt in the process.
so I need to tell him these things...and I think that it is important that he knows just what exactly he will be coming home to when the time comes...not that I am some raging beast (at least I don't think so), but I feel that I need to let him know some things now. He has so much to answer for...so much.
Monday, November 13, 2006
working...
I forgot how exhausting working two jobs can be. I did it for years and then I got spoiled with only working full-time at one job instead of piecing together 2 jobs to get the full-time pay.
Now I am piecing together the full-time job with the part time job...50+ hours this week. Either I am complaining with cause or I have developed into one big giant wuss.
Either way...my feet hurt today.
Now I am piecing together the full-time job with the part time job...50+ hours this week. Either I am complaining with cause or I have developed into one big giant wuss.
Either way...my feet hurt today.
Friday, November 10, 2006
Anniversaries
Yesterday was really hard. Yesterday marked my 9 month anniversary and marked the time where I have spent as much of my married life with Mr.3 as I have away from him. And yesterday also marked -as Mr.3 informed me of yesterday- the two year anniversary of our first meeting. He came into the MEC and I had asked him if I was drooling all over myself because I had been to the dentist earlier that morning.
during our phone conversation last night I cried through most of it. I apologized to him, but I can't help it. I have so many questions that I need to ask him, but if it puts him in a bad light we shouldn't discuss it because anything he says can be used against him. so I am sad and angry at having been put in this position.
today on campus they are celebrating veteran's day. this hurts as well. I am married to a veteran who was hurt more than I will ever be able to understand. a veteran who last year dove underneath the table when they did a cannon salute in honor in of the day. a veteran who recites the soldier's creed like a mantra while waiting in jail. a veteran who after being in treatment for months is denied his medication by his jailers...how fair is that? how can he ever get better? how can be ever get to the point where we will be able to start over again?
during our phone conversation last night I cried through most of it. I apologized to him, but I can't help it. I have so many questions that I need to ask him, but if it puts him in a bad light we shouldn't discuss it because anything he says can be used against him. so I am sad and angry at having been put in this position.
today on campus they are celebrating veteran's day. this hurts as well. I am married to a veteran who was hurt more than I will ever be able to understand. a veteran who last year dove underneath the table when they did a cannon salute in honor in of the day. a veteran who recites the soldier's creed like a mantra while waiting in jail. a veteran who after being in treatment for months is denied his medication by his jailers...how fair is that? how can he ever get better? how can be ever get to the point where we will be able to start over again?
Thursday, November 09, 2006
Overwhelmed?
I think that I am but then again, I am not really sure. If I wasn't as busy I might be able to evaluate my situation more clearly.
Basically I think that I am having issues with my multiple roles: student, worker, daughter, wife, and now...a mom of sorts.
Student: I didn't start to study for my midterm on Tuesday until Monday night at 9pm. I hadn't been doing any of my readings at all during the semster so there was a lot to catch up on. I have projects coming due that I have not started...and I have been working on getting my committee set up and my thesis topic approved. I am a horrible student actually, but I manage to pull things out all right in the end. Additionally, I don't want to go to class today, but I will probably go just so that I have time to write a letter to Mr.3 or not go because it is raining and there a lot of wet leaves on the ground....me=clutz, and wet leave+rain+running late for class=disaster for me.
Worker: I feel like I am just skirting by in Outreach, I should be so much more productive than what I am. As for Global Voices, I haven't written anything in close to 3 weeks for them now. I am sure that I am annoying my editor and disappointing my readership. I tried to work on my Kurdish article last night, but I couldn't focus...I'm so tired and emotionally distraught. I think Grandpa's death is affecting me more than what I want to admit. And of course, I start my first full shift at Williams and Sonoma today. Between the two jobs it will be a 10 hour work day.
Daughter: I want to be supportive of my family and I feel like I am failing in that as well. I know that my mom is going through a hell of a lot right now: one, with being a mom in general, two, she is in mourning, three, she is getting a house ready to sale, four, she is supporting my dad emotionally while he is looking for a new job, five, empty-nest sydrome from my brother...and well it is alot. She called me at 10 last night, wanting to talk and I feel that I failed her because I was too tired to really hold on a conversation. And I am also dealing with my Mother-in-law, who I have just met and only talked to on the phone a few times. Even though we have been thrust together under strange circumstances, I still have to be respectful of her while she chews me out about her phone bill (which I will go into more detail about soon). I just want to make everyone happy...or at least to be a support for them, and I am not very good at it.
Wife: the situation with Mr.3 is so complex at the moment that I will surely qualify for my own lifetime special. He was in the VA, then got picked up by the FEDs for studying about terrorism and was put on their watchlist, and now because of some issues left over from someone stealing his identity a couple of years ago (this person broke alot of laws in my husband's name) he is now in a jail in florida. I can write letters to him and get phone calls, but at a price. since Utah has tariffs on inmate phone calls (the bastards!), I have to pay a HUGE fee to speak to him. Inmates can make collect calls. His mom can talk to him for 15 minutes and only pay $2.50. I talk to him for 15 minutes, and I pay $18.34. So I have very little sympathy for his mom. She hasn't even gotten her phone bill for $25 worth of calls yet, and I have already paid $150. I will complain about inmate billing services and the fact that I have to pay for my husband being in the jail in another post. I have to contact a lawyer to file for bankruptcy and I am too busy to even do that. Now that I can have regular contact with Mr.3, the separation is much harder to bear. The reconcilliation that we need to do needs to be done face to face, not on opposite sides of the country.
Last night I dreamt that I had received word that he had died. And I tried to move on and start again. Then when I was in another relationship I received word that it was a mistake and that he was coming home...and I had to tell him that I had been cheating. Even in my dreams I seem to be failing the ones that I love.
Mom: well my little brother has made it through 2 full days at school. I know that he is going through a difficult time adjusting to not only the new living arrangements but a new school. He seems to be doing well. I want to be home in the afternoons and evening for him, but school and work interfere. Plus, now I have to take care of someone else...I have to remember to make meals for others. Most of the time I am just lazy and don't eat, but I can't do that to my brother. The dishes aren't done, the house is a wreck and the laundry is never ending.
Overall, I just feel like I am a failure in everything. I either need more hours in the day, or not to sleep...but I have to sleep because I am so exhausted from everything else. It is a horrible cycle and I feel like I am caught in that stupid Groundhog Day movie with Bill Murray... ever notice that that movie was good the first time you watched it, but that it just got worse and worse on the other times? And apparently they are starting a TV series along that same theme...oh the endless repetition of the world! Gag!
Basically I think that I am having issues with my multiple roles: student, worker, daughter, wife, and now...a mom of sorts.
Student: I didn't start to study for my midterm on Tuesday until Monday night at 9pm. I hadn't been doing any of my readings at all during the semster so there was a lot to catch up on. I have projects coming due that I have not started...and I have been working on getting my committee set up and my thesis topic approved. I am a horrible student actually, but I manage to pull things out all right in the end. Additionally, I don't want to go to class today, but I will probably go just so that I have time to write a letter to Mr.3 or not go because it is raining and there a lot of wet leaves on the ground....me=clutz, and wet leave+rain+running late for class=disaster for me.
Worker: I feel like I am just skirting by in Outreach, I should be so much more productive than what I am. As for Global Voices, I haven't written anything in close to 3 weeks for them now. I am sure that I am annoying my editor and disappointing my readership. I tried to work on my Kurdish article last night, but I couldn't focus...I'm so tired and emotionally distraught. I think Grandpa's death is affecting me more than what I want to admit. And of course, I start my first full shift at Williams and Sonoma today. Between the two jobs it will be a 10 hour work day.
Daughter: I want to be supportive of my family and I feel like I am failing in that as well. I know that my mom is going through a hell of a lot right now: one, with being a mom in general, two, she is in mourning, three, she is getting a house ready to sale, four, she is supporting my dad emotionally while he is looking for a new job, five, empty-nest sydrome from my brother...and well it is alot. She called me at 10 last night, wanting to talk and I feel that I failed her because I was too tired to really hold on a conversation. And I am also dealing with my Mother-in-law, who I have just met and only talked to on the phone a few times. Even though we have been thrust together under strange circumstances, I still have to be respectful of her while she chews me out about her phone bill (which I will go into more detail about soon). I just want to make everyone happy...or at least to be a support for them, and I am not very good at it.
Wife: the situation with Mr.3 is so complex at the moment that I will surely qualify for my own lifetime special. He was in the VA, then got picked up by the FEDs for studying about terrorism and was put on their watchlist, and now because of some issues left over from someone stealing his identity a couple of years ago (this person broke alot of laws in my husband's name) he is now in a jail in florida. I can write letters to him and get phone calls, but at a price. since Utah has tariffs on inmate phone calls (the bastards!), I have to pay a HUGE fee to speak to him. Inmates can make collect calls. His mom can talk to him for 15 minutes and only pay $2.50. I talk to him for 15 minutes, and I pay $18.34. So I have very little sympathy for his mom. She hasn't even gotten her phone bill for $25 worth of calls yet, and I have already paid $150. I will complain about inmate billing services and the fact that I have to pay for my husband being in the jail in another post. I have to contact a lawyer to file for bankruptcy and I am too busy to even do that. Now that I can have regular contact with Mr.3, the separation is much harder to bear. The reconcilliation that we need to do needs to be done face to face, not on opposite sides of the country.
Last night I dreamt that I had received word that he had died. And I tried to move on and start again. Then when I was in another relationship I received word that it was a mistake and that he was coming home...and I had to tell him that I had been cheating. Even in my dreams I seem to be failing the ones that I love.
Mom: well my little brother has made it through 2 full days at school. I know that he is going through a difficult time adjusting to not only the new living arrangements but a new school. He seems to be doing well. I want to be home in the afternoons and evening for him, but school and work interfere. Plus, now I have to take care of someone else...I have to remember to make meals for others. Most of the time I am just lazy and don't eat, but I can't do that to my brother. The dishes aren't done, the house is a wreck and the laundry is never ending.
Overall, I just feel like I am a failure in everything. I either need more hours in the day, or not to sleep...but I have to sleep because I am so exhausted from everything else. It is a horrible cycle and I feel like I am caught in that stupid Groundhog Day movie with Bill Murray... ever notice that that movie was good the first time you watched it, but that it just got worse and worse on the other times? And apparently they are starting a TV series along that same theme...oh the endless repetition of the world! Gag!
Sunday, November 05, 2006
I'm back
So much has happened to me in the last two weeks or so that the only way I can cover it all in one post is in list format.
1. Things continue to go well with Mr.3 and reconnecting with his family. He is currently in Florida dealing with some business that I am not prepared to discuss yet. Hopefully we will be able to bring him home soon.
2. Managed to successfully pull off my workshop at work on Saturday the 28th. This was my first one running things and it seemed to go smoothly---my boss is happy. However there is an explosion on my desk that I have to figure out.
3. Jimmy-my little brother-moved in with me on Friday the 28th. The house still isn't ready because...
4. We received word that Grandpa died on Saturday the 28th. So when I was expecting to have my family staying with me until Monday, there were here till Wednesday when we left for California.
5. Saturday night Jimmy and I went to Rocky Horror....tons of fun, but I can't do that late night stuff anymore.
6. Monday my family and I went to enroll Jimmy in his new high school. His counselor was horrible...his job was to know the classes and he didn't. After being in his office for 2 hours trying to find something to fit into the last class spot for Jimmy I cracked and decided that if Jimmy didn't need to have that time fit with a class then he could come home early....rather than spend one more minute with the man who insisted on scrolling through a 44 page pdf document even AFTER I told him that he could do a search function on it. Since we would have had to have Jimmy miss the rest of the week of school he officially starts next Tuesday...and I get to deal with the counselor again.
7. Tuesday afternoon I had a presentation in CBI class....afterwards Jimmy and I went again to Rocky Horror...again- lots of fun, new brother/sister tradition...I might post the pictures of us...or not, you will have to wait.
8. Early Wednesday morning we were off to California....did the whole drive in one day. Cousin Mary was so good to let us use her house in Palm Desert to stay at.
9. Thursday was the funeral and the multiple family gatherings that happen afterwards. There is alot of anger and animosity of how my (step) Aunt is handling things with my Grandma that I will probably discuss later. Let's just say that the step relationship wasn't an issue until my Aunt made it one a couple of months ago...and no one from my Grandma's family came from the funeral to support her...like her son. However her son has no problems is sending his daughter with a UHaul to my Grandma's house and cleaning it out.
10. Friday, The most difficult of days. We went to visit my Grandma, only to be made extremely unwelcome by my Aunt who was determined to give away all of my Grandma's and Grandpa's things---completely oblivious to the tears of my Grandma. I have a feeling that I will probably not be allowed to see her again.
11. Saturday was the long drive home again. I fell carrying stuff out to the car and I still ache. I might have broke a bone in my wrist, but the pain is lessening today to I might have just strained it. On the drive home the craziest thing happened....I ran into a friend from childhood at a gas station in Primm Nevada. She lives in LA now and the odd thing was that on her birthday-earlier in the month-I had a dream about her. Strange coincidences that life presents to me.
12. Contact with Mr.3 has been mostly through letters....so at least an hour a night has been spent writing to him...afterwards I am so tired that I don't have the energy to blog...I must work on time management.
13. Today was my first day of orientation for my holiday job at Williams-Sonoma, I start officially next Thursday.
14. Now I just have to figure out what we (the family) are going to do for the rest of today and to help my brother settle in while studying for a mid-term....
...for the most part things feel like they are calming down but not really...Grandpa finally being at peace does limit the stress levels though. Now it is just figuring out how to get back to regular business.
1. Things continue to go well with Mr.3 and reconnecting with his family. He is currently in Florida dealing with some business that I am not prepared to discuss yet. Hopefully we will be able to bring him home soon.
2. Managed to successfully pull off my workshop at work on Saturday the 28th. This was my first one running things and it seemed to go smoothly---my boss is happy. However there is an explosion on my desk that I have to figure out.
3. Jimmy-my little brother-moved in with me on Friday the 28th. The house still isn't ready because...
4. We received word that Grandpa died on Saturday the 28th. So when I was expecting to have my family staying with me until Monday, there were here till Wednesday when we left for California.
5. Saturday night Jimmy and I went to Rocky Horror....tons of fun, but I can't do that late night stuff anymore.
6. Monday my family and I went to enroll Jimmy in his new high school. His counselor was horrible...his job was to know the classes and he didn't. After being in his office for 2 hours trying to find something to fit into the last class spot for Jimmy I cracked and decided that if Jimmy didn't need to have that time fit with a class then he could come home early....rather than spend one more minute with the man who insisted on scrolling through a 44 page pdf document even AFTER I told him that he could do a search function on it. Since we would have had to have Jimmy miss the rest of the week of school he officially starts next Tuesday...and I get to deal with the counselor again.
7. Tuesday afternoon I had a presentation in CBI class....afterwards Jimmy and I went again to Rocky Horror...again- lots of fun, new brother/sister tradition...I might post the pictures of us...or not, you will have to wait.
8. Early Wednesday morning we were off to California....did the whole drive in one day. Cousin Mary was so good to let us use her house in Palm Desert to stay at.
9. Thursday was the funeral and the multiple family gatherings that happen afterwards. There is alot of anger and animosity of how my (step) Aunt is handling things with my Grandma that I will probably discuss later. Let's just say that the step relationship wasn't an issue until my Aunt made it one a couple of months ago...and no one from my Grandma's family came from the funeral to support her...like her son. However her son has no problems is sending his daughter with a UHaul to my Grandma's house and cleaning it out.
10. Friday, The most difficult of days. We went to visit my Grandma, only to be made extremely unwelcome by my Aunt who was determined to give away all of my Grandma's and Grandpa's things---completely oblivious to the tears of my Grandma. I have a feeling that I will probably not be allowed to see her again.
11. Saturday was the long drive home again. I fell carrying stuff out to the car and I still ache. I might have broke a bone in my wrist, but the pain is lessening today to I might have just strained it. On the drive home the craziest thing happened....I ran into a friend from childhood at a gas station in Primm Nevada. She lives in LA now and the odd thing was that on her birthday-earlier in the month-I had a dream about her. Strange coincidences that life presents to me.
12. Contact with Mr.3 has been mostly through letters....so at least an hour a night has been spent writing to him...afterwards I am so tired that I don't have the energy to blog...I must work on time management.
13. Today was my first day of orientation for my holiday job at Williams-Sonoma, I start officially next Thursday.
14. Now I just have to figure out what we (the family) are going to do for the rest of today and to help my brother settle in while studying for a mid-term....
...for the most part things feel like they are calming down but not really...Grandpa finally being at peace does limit the stress levels though. Now it is just figuring out how to get back to regular business.
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