The I Totally Didn't Forget to Post About This Edition

Hi Folks! I have kept meaning to write about running the 5K in the SLC Marathon for a while now....but I really have no excuse for the delay.

The most important thing is that I finished it. In one hour and one minute. I had to walk for almost two miles before I felt like my muscles would let me run. And when I did run it was for a block at a time, if that. I was hoping to be able to make the full final stretch running, but about 20 feet from the finish line I discovered that I couldn't breathe anymore. Scared the shit out of me. I've been out of breath before, but this was different....I couldn't get any air at all. I was told that I over did it....which could be true.

So now, the training continues---albeit disrupted by the trip to Chile. Next 5K is scheduled for June 5th at Pride.

I'm that big that I'm invisible

It would be ridiculous to say that at my weight that I have never experienced sizism before. In fact it happens alot, and in the majority of instances I brush it off or avoid situations where I know that I will face it. This is one reason why I don't like to go to gyms. I had a membership to 24 hour fitness years ago. When I would go in, I would get these horrible, appalled looks from people. Sorta like I had just vomited all over them...and I would get these looks just from walking into the place....forget even getting to the point where I was sweating. It seriously felt like I was in a middle school locker room. So I would come in later and later to work out in order to avoid looks from people. Oddly enough, I wasn't the only large person working out at 11pm there....but seriously....who wants to work out at 11pm? I got rid of my membership. I honestly think that there is this idea in thinner people's heads that a fat person must lose a certain amount of weight in order to frequent a gym. Really, people? I swear...the logic.

Let's move forward to last night. Libby and I went to go pick up our numbers for the 5k this Saturday....and I am so excited!!! I'm 20611 in case you are wondering. After we picked up our stuff we walked around some of the vendor booths that they had. We stopped at one that had athletic support tape, its pretty cool stuff called Kineso...most people will recognize it as the strange tape designs seen on Olympic athletes. Anyway, as I have been grappling with how to support my running injury I was interested in this stuff. Now, it was me that picked up the box and me that was asking questions about it. The salesman however wouldn't look at me, he just looked at Libby while he talked. At first, I thought that it was just that he liked Libby--which I wouldn't blame him for---but when I was paying for $20 worth of tape, he still would not look at me. Total perception filter moment for those Doctor Who fans out there. Even when we walked in, the Cricket mobile people offered Libby a free bag which she turned down....I would have taken it, but I wasn't offered. On the way out of there, a gentleman was passing out race guides for Utah which listed all the sporting events in the state. He was shoving them in everybody's face except me. I actually had to ask for one, and he was surprised that I wanted one.

It was a very crazy situation, and I hadn't experienced that much sizism at one time before. I really felt that people were trying to actively avoid looking or speaking with me. This is going to sound vain, but I am not bad to look at. I would even say that I am pretty. And if this avoidance was some sort of way to avoid the issue that I am fat, like a misguided way of trying not to point it out, it had the exact opposite effect. I once was on a third date with someone, and it was shortly after Mr.3 left and I wasn't exactly ready to date and was taking it way way slow. On the date we talked for hours about my friend's art (even after this experience I will gladly call him my friend still). He was showing me this art book with dancers and explaining to me how he admired the musculature. When I pointed out the differences in how the wrist movement we were talking about would differ in view between my arm and his....he noted it, but then made this really strange circuitous conversation in which he tried to talk about fat, but avoided actually saying the word "fat". It was at that moment that I realized that even though we had been talking about his art for two hours, he had just realized that he was in the room with a fat person. Ooohh... scary. Frightening even. (wow, I wish that there was a sarcasm font right now) I think that this is just the same situation that I experienced last night.

Sorry folks if my fat bothers you. You are going to have to deal with it.
I entered the race. And while I may not run the whole thing, I am still in it. You are going to have to share the road with me.
I am going to support myself in this endeavor and others who are trying to accomplish the same task in this event. You should be able to support me....and my fat....as well.

The Sexiness of Legwarmers

The SLC Marathon 5K that I signed up for is this weekend. And while I have been consistantly training for weeks.....I haven't been able to get past running for more than 2 minutes a time. So I've basically gone from a total of 3 minutes of running per session to something like 10 minutes on a good day.

That's the key phrase here....on a good day.

The strain of trying to compel my mass of 270 pounds to move has taken a toll on my leg muscles. Resulting in some serious cramping/burning thing on the outside of my leg near the ankle. I guess that it is some type of shin split. In any case it has put a major hold on training progress. Yesterday it was so bad that we had to stop walking/running so I could massage my legs....it was paralyzing pain. Today I actually went home early from work because my grumpiness at still being in pain was nearing a point where I was going to earn the label of "office bitch".

Of course, today it dawns on me...that no matter how much I am hydrated or ice or heat or how much I stretch before and after, I am still not treating this injury right. Normally when I fall I have a treatment protocol for my ankles, etc. I guess that since I haven't fallen I haven't totally registered that I need to fricking wrap my ankles to stabilize them. Oh! It feels so wonderful! I've also been trying to keep the leg muscles that have been cramping warm beyond the heating pad. Which means that I have whipped out the legwarmers.

I sorta look like I am doing a bird big costume here...but it feels good. Hopefully with a couple more days of ankle stabilization I will be able to run more than walk at the 5K this weekend.

Decompressing 40 Hours of Training

My head is starting to come back a bit into shape after coming home from a weeklong 40-hour training for work. For the record, I am now a state certified sexual assault victim advocate....as to whether or not I decide to volunteer time to get some field experience is another matter.

The training was great, and I am really really really trying hard not to vomit up everything I learned on everyone I talk to...I really am....but it is soo hard. I think that most people would feel the same way after 40 hours of rape content. I sorta feel like I am a walking statistic dispenser.

For instance, women spend a huge amount of time thinking and taking precautions in order not to be attacked and raped by a stranger. But stranger rape is only 8% or so of all rapes committed, the other 92% is conducted by someone the victim knows. Basically people fear the scary man jumping out at you from behind a bush, but no one really worries about "creepy uncle bob". I was really happy to see a recent security system commercial where the man breaking into a woman's house was her ex-boyfriend and not some random opportunistic stranger.

Alot of the training focused on rape culture and how media/tv/advertisements exploit women and show a false reality of what masculinity is. There was also sessions on deconstructing various rape myths, diversity, LGBTQ communities, elderly victims, and the disabled (as a side note---and coming from someone who has recently developed a killer crush on a colleague who is in a wheelchair--have you been watching the storyline on Private Practice? Kudos to bringing up the subject of sexuality and people with disabilities!)

And of course, this training was conducted in small town Richfield Utah. It was really hard not to be too negative with the locals. I did make hairspray jokes on my Twitter account....and if I see one more of those bump hair things...ugh! I don't really want to attribute this to a small town mentality...but people were constantly answering their phones and talking on them while in the class. They couldn't be polite and take the call outside.....oh no, we all had to hear about so-and-so's kid being sick....or writing down someone's fax number. It wasn't just once, but several times a day that this happened.

The best part of the small-town-ness was in the last hour of training when the coordinator for the rape advocates in the area was handing out the intake forms for victims. In the forms you have to label exactly what type of sexual activity took place....which I don't mind.....what I do mind is when the trainer who has been working for years with victims let slip that she wasn't exactly sure what "fellatio" on the form referred to. Thankfully, someone else told her. Then someone else in the classroom announced that fellatio is not something you learn about in a small town.

Really?

Please, tell me another one!

3 Minutes!!!

Had my first night of training tonight. Got to break in the super fast running shoes. And guess what?

I RAN FOR A TOTAL OF THREE MINUTES!!!!

And to make matters even better, I did it WITHOUT PUKING!!!!!

Of course, after the excessive use of capital letters, I will very somberly tell you some things that I have learned with this evening's exercise.

Item 1: They recommend that people my size walk rather than run as it cuts down on joint pain and the effects of gravity. Good running shoes = no joint pain. Hooray for me.
Item 2: As we were running I felt like I was getting a stitch in my side....except it wasn't in my side but towards my lower back. It was only after the third 1-minute run that I realized what the pain really was. It was the force of gravity of my butt check dropping down with each step. First of all, I had no idea that my butt check moved that much, and secondly.....I've always seen my butt as one immovable object- not two distinct halves where one side might be heavier than the other. I wonder if this means I have a lopsided butt. This might involve several hours in front of the mirror to verify.
Item 3: I need alot more training sessions before I would be able to run the required amount to be a Dr. Who companion. They seem to be running away from alot of things....I'd be a goner.
Item 4: After my body recovered....and I was positive that I wasn't going to hurl (I was worried for a few moments).... the endorphins kicked in. Oh yeah.....those were nice. I can see why people do this. Of course it must be an aftereffect thing, cause I didn't feel very good while running.
Item 5: I apparently am under the impression that if you are skinny you can run at least a mile. The more I tell people about what I am trying to do, the more I hear of thinner people saying that they can't. I get angry at people who think that fat people are automatically out of shape all the time, I never thought that I had any sort of fitness/thinness bias....but I guess I do.

Tomorrow will tell the full effects of tonight's endeavors. However, I wasn't in as bad of shape as I thought as I managed to be able to run and talk with Libby at the same time.....and most importantly.......

I RAN FOR THREE FRICKING MINUTES!!!!!
WHOOHOOO!!!!!!

Phew! Now......to bed!

My Latest Harebrained Scheme

Not that I have many harebrained schemes....but I should. Besides, saying that I have schemes that are on the reckless and silly level high enough to be classified as "harebrained" sounds cool...like I'm some wacky comic character that people read about and shake their heads in wonder trying to guess what that 'crazy, wacky girl' is up too....yuck, yuck, yuck...

Anyway, the scheme. Yes...focus, focus ....

I have two lifelong fitness goals. Lifelong because it will take me forever to get to that point, and because I would prefer to say that one day I will get them done but not be tied down to an actual completion date. These two goals are to run a mile and to do a pull-up. For a girl my size, I would say that these are quite realistic and reasonable goals. Cause let's face it...I'm never going to lost 150 pounds, and I have never pretended that it would ever happen anyway.

Here is where we get to the harebrained part.....I am going to train to run a mile. And I hope to be able to run that mile (without side stitches or hurling) at the SLC marathon on April 17th. And no, I am not doing the marathon, but I AM going to sign up for the 5k. I figure if all else fails I'll run the mile and then crawl the rest of the way, on the sidewalk, so no one trips over me.

So I've got a training schedule, a training buddy....and as of about two hours ago, some decent running shoes.

I have to do this now, so that I can justify the price I paid for the shoes. Oh course, I didn't buy the shoes because of the price. I was a good girl and got a foot-test-thingy done and was fitted with for the right size and only chose the shoes after I found some that felt right. It was only at the register did I ask how much they were. My dad has a saying "if you have to ask how much it is, you can't afford it".....which has been some of the best financial advice I've ever had. It was nice to know that I didn't need to ask....thank you new job.

Anyway, I now have some spanky-new-shoes that are green and yellow with built in gel inserts. So even if I am outrun by a granny in a walker...at least I'll look fast.

The Doorjam or "Geez Karma, I get it alright!"

This post begins with a victory dance. It ends with one as well.....like a rollercoaster it ends where it began.

So, the good news is that the recent grant that I assumed dictatorship over is completed, submitted online and at the post office. A week and a half ago we had a meeting about this grant, and when I said that it would be finished the day before it was due...the group laughed. But they did like the idea that we could have a day to have those "oh shit! did we remember" moments. Apparently- at least with this grant- having someone take over (so to speak) was a plus because it allowed everyone to talk about how much they support the grant and not really have much to do with actually completing it. And while I was annoyed at the lack of help, I do get to keep the glory of submitting it on time/early to myself.

After leaving the post office today I decided to award myself with lunch....and to make matters even more impressive....with my only fast food lunch in at least a month. Feeling good, I head to Arby's, get a great parking spot, and shut the door to.... to....well nowhere. The car door wouldn't shut. This has happened once before while visiting the Comcast office and luckily Ryan was nearby to save me as I didn't have anything decent enough to MacGyver myself out of the problem with. Since I knew what the problem was, I wasn't too upset....however, between my hands and my keys, I wasn't strong enough to get the thing to shift. When it happened the first time, I told myself that I would get some tools for the car....which of course, I never did.

I really hate feeling like a helpless girl and I also miss having someone else to handle the "guy" sorts of things that need to be done in my life.

This situation called for action!

So I drove four blocks to the auto supply store desperately trying to hold my driver's side door closed.

Just so you know, centrifugal force wants your door to fly open whenever you take a turn. That also goes for when you have to swerve quickly to avoid the giant SUV that attempts to run you over as it forces its way out of a driveway. If I had the use of both my hands I would have honked, but keeping the door closed was more of a priority.

Thank you to the guy at Checker auto parts who fixed the door for me, showed me where the screwdrivers were in the store, and who helped me find which turn signal replacement lights that I needed to buy. The light thing is yet another car related item that I have been putting off for a while....and figuring out how to get the bulb out in my car will be another great adventure to look forward to.

After that I went back to Arby's, got some lunch, and returned to the office for a victory dance.

My Dead Sexy Song List

Alright, so this is totally random and frivolous bit of blogging (of course, there are some who would believe that all blogging fits into that category). I recently went on a Pink Floyd kick and have found that there are a couple songs that I can only describe as dead sexy. So I decided to compile my top ten list of songs that I would classify under this category.

I should probably offer an explanation of what would qualify. These are not seduction songs, nor are they songs that you listen to obsess over someone that you are infatuated with. There must be the right balance of bass/drums and or guitar. For a song to qualify it must relax the body and make you feel sensual....not sensual in the "let's get in on" way but like when a breeze brushes gently across your skin and all of your nerves become electrified. Also these songs are taken separately from the album that they are taken from. I will admit that there are albums that would fit into this category: the Dark Side of the Moon by Pink Floyd, just about any Massive Attack album, the Yeah Yeah Yeah's Fever to Tell, and even though I have issues with the book and movie, the soundtrack to Twilight totally fits this category.

So, now I present to you my top-ten list:

10. Pretty When You Cry by VAST- Although I just watched the video for this one, and it wins points for total creepy factor.
9. Painted on my Heart by The Cult
8. Angel by Gavin Friday
7. Follow You Down by Alejandro Escovedo (sorry, couldn't find a link)
6. Guarded By Monkeys by Cracker
5. It's Late by Queen
4. Gulumse Kaderine by Tarkan---but it has to be the Murat Matthew Erdem Remix
3. Wish You Were Here by Pink Floyd
2. Win by David Bowie

and the number one is....

1. Keskin Bicak by Sezan Aksu

Sezen Aksu - Keskin Bicak


Wanna share your list?

Bill of Rights

I have a book that I write down all of the inspirational things that I have read/come across in my life. I haven't cracked it open for a while, but I did today. This is what I wrote in it:

BILL OF RIGHTS
I have the right to be me.
I have the right to put myself first.
I have the right to be safe.
I have the right to love and be loved.
I have the right to be treated with respect.
I have the right to be human - NOT PERFECT.
I have the right to be angry and protest if I am treated unfairly or abusively by anyone.
I have the right to my own privacy.
I have the right to my own opinions, to express them, and to be taken seriously.
I have the right to earn and control my own money.
I have the right to ask questions about anything that affects my life.
I have the right to make decisions that affect me.
I have the right to grow and change (and that includes changing my mind).
I have the right to say NO.
I have the right to make mistakes.
I have the right NOT to be responsible for other adults’ problems.
I have the right not to be liked by everyone.
I HAVE THE RIGHT TO CONTROL MY OWN LIFE AND TO CHANGE IT IF I AM NOT HAPPY WITH IT AS IT IS.

And while this doesn't nessacarily pertain to the bill of rights, I do have the right to post a photo of my new haircut on the blog.

Showing you the wheels

In my last post I mentioned the "Power and Control Wheel" and the "Equality Wheel", I'm posting them here so you can see more of what I was talking about.

This is the situation(s) you DO NOT WANT in a relationship:


And this is what an IDEAL relationship should be like:

The Empowering Work Epiphany that I was NOT expecting

I've been at the new job for a month now and I still love it. Not sure what I am doing half the time, but I feel useful and I am learning new things everyday.

We did a tabling event at the state capital today. I'm used to doing tables when I worked at the center, and I love the interaction with people....but before I was much more knowledgeable about the subject matter than I am now at the new job. I held my own, but there was one question that I had no clue what to answer. Some guy wanted to know if there were any other criminal activites that were precursors to someone sexually assaulting another person.....sorta like how killing small animals is a precursor to killing people. I had no clue...but if you are interested, I found out. Its burglary.

Anyway, part of today was bonding with co-workers who I don't see in the office very often. Somehow or other we got on the topic of my ex-husband aka Mike aka Scott aka Mr.3. I ended up telling her the extended version of the saga. I always find it hard to find the right words to describe what happened. I try not to call him a con man because I have always felt that it really diminishes the effect that it had on me. I've called the relationship psychologically abusive before, but always felt not quite right in calling it that either.... most the time I just try to remind people that I am not stupid, I'm really not. You just had to be living the whole experience to truly understand. My co-worker's reaction was not something that I expected. I expected her to roll her eyes at times...to question my motives, my reason, like so many other people have had in the past. Instead she handed me this worksheet that is used with domestic and sexual violence victims called the power and control wheel. The object is to read the descriptions of abusive acts and circle the items that have happened to you. It is supposed to give a visual of your abuse. The wheel has eight spokes with topics like using intimidation, using emotional abuse, using isolation, using economic abuse, etc. On the other side of page is the equality wheel, that is supposed to mark the signs of a healthy relationship. Not only is there not one item in the healthy relationship wheel that I can attribute to my former marriage, but I have a lot of items that can be circled in at least 7 of the 8 spokes.

After looking at that the realization hit.
I am not some poor smuck who got taken by some con man. I was abused by my husband.
I've always been able to identify with being a survivor. I mean...I did managed to survive the relationship. But I never really wanted to call myself a victim, because that is kinda lame....but I need to accept that I am.

I am a victim of domestic violence.

Writing that sentence just make me break out into tears. Needless to say I wasn't expecting to have this sort of emotional whirlwind on Thursday.

But this isn't a sad story about me crying about my life....it is more of an empowering one. I am really grateful to this co-worker, more than I will probably be able to express to her. She was understanding....she was the first person who I have told the story too (who had not known and lived the saga with me when it was happening) to accept it, and not question my actions. In past dates when I have talked about my ex-husband I've gotten the "well why didn't you see that coming?" line.....which has generally marked the end of dating with that person. According to my co-worker, that is called "victim-blaming". She also said that it was wonderful that I had started working where I had and that I was learning what had happened to me because now when I talk to people about it, it can be a teaching experience instead. I'm good with teaching.

So that is my work epiphany. I could write more, but to say that this has been a long and hard day is an understatement. And for my friends who feel that I don't write anything positive on my blog anymore......I will write soon about some light-hearted things....like how I cut my hair super super short and how I am going to be a non-skating official for roller derby (I get a derby name and everything!!! Granny Panties in the house!), so you can all look forward to more of that sort of frivolity in my life.

And now....to bed!

Changing from the "we" to "them"

Saturday I volunteered for an event being held by my old job. Prior to that day I was having a hard time in not referring to myself like I still worked at the center. I used "we" alot, not "they" or "them"....and I think that after my experiences on Saturday it will be alot easier to use the right pronoun.

For instance, I originally had planned on picking up the speaker and taking them out to dinner on Friday night. The weekend before, I was sent an email and told that it wasn't necessary for me to pick up the speaker from the airport. Which was fine, saved me time. But I still wanted to meet her for dinner. And there began the back and forth between me and the center staff member assigned to work the event. I could detail it all, but let's say that I was invited to dinner (and when I offered to pay for myself, and was turned down because a volunteer should "be treated" according to this said-former-coworker) on one day and then I was the next day uninvited to dinner. There was some valid reasonings behind this...and to make light of the situation I had mentioned that "at least I would get lunch free during the event"....at which point this said-former-coworker notified me that that was all I deserved anyway. After she said that, I did not renew my previous offer to pay for my dinner. Please keep in mind that said-former-coworker in the past has demanded when she has volunteered that she be wined and dined, and has never had any problems in pointing out when she has not gotten what she has felt to be her "due". Anyway... I could detail way too many instances of her hyprocracy and selfishness to count, so in moving on....

Saturday morning said-former-coworker was also supposed to announce that I was no longer working for the center and that I was volunteering my services on that day. This is what she actually said "I have an announcement, Debbie Dilley is now at the Utah Coalition Against Sexual Assault. If you would like to apply for her job, you can contact the University of Utah's Human Resources Department."

I was mortified.
It was entirely inappropriate.
But in her defense this was not the first nor will it be the last time that she has said something inappropriate.

When said-former-coworker left my old position and was on a volunteer basis, my old boss raved about her when she made the announcement that she was leaving. But that was the difference between the two...my old boss knew how to treat people and annoucements. And even through all of said-former-coworkers attempts to emulate by old boss, she has fallen totally flat on her face.

I felt ill-treated to say the least.

The rest of the day I hung out with my band of troublemakers in the back....there was lots of joking about me being "just a volunteer". So when arrangements went bad- and there was a major hiccup with the catering- I --for once-- could not be blamed, I was "just a volunteer".

I came to another realization about this particular person....I would be perfectly alright if I never had to see her again. In the past people have criticized me for being too harsh on her, and how I react to the various things that she has done. I credit her with deliberately trying to get me into hot water at my old job. What she did spurred on the attempt by my former director to write me up. I've been told that feeling this way with only circumstantial evidence of her actions is "unprofessional"....but after listening to her on Saturday tell me about how she tried to get other coworkers into trouble because she felt that they weren't doing their jobs correctly...or how she is actively trying to get the job of another coworker.....I can't but help to feel that my assumptions about said-former-coworker to be absolutely and totally correct.

I know that all of the "said-former-worker" stuff is a little annoying....but I don't need to name this person. What I do need to say to her is the following:

Thank you.
If you hadn't been yourself and tried to make yourself look better at my expense, I wouldn't have gotten the drive to really leave the center. Your actions coupled with the actions of my former director made me realize that there is no loyalty to a workplace that is as toxic as my old one was.

And thank you for your entirely inappropriate way of saying that I had left. You made me realize that my former workplace, has no respect for me or for what I did there. You have firmly planted your legs in support of the new regime and you have shown me that there was never any way that we could be respectful to the other outside of the workplace or inside of it. You have made it all that much easier to finally say goodbye.

Video Dispelling Myths on Weight Stigmas

Here is an interesting (and extremely well done) video from the Yale Rudd Center for Food Policy and Obesity.


As a "big girl" myself, the type of bullying that is portrayed in this video was something I luckily only experienced between moving to Utah in fourth grade through my seventh grade year in middle school. I had to develop a thick skin and an ability to make better jokes at my own expense then those teasing me to make the abuse stop. If I hadn't been able to do that....I might not have made it to today.

I've never really written about the bullying I experienced when I moved here. It was bad. I called "lard butt" when I was 9 years old. I had no idea what lard was, but I knew it was bad. In 7th grade there were these kids who called me "shamu" and "beluga whale" in my 7th period math class....and they would taunt me literally all through my walk home. The only reprieve that I would have would be the last half block on the street where I lived. If it was a good day I was able to stop crying and calm down enough so that my mom wouldn't notice when I walked in. These names hurt, but I got over it.

I never really turned the name calling on the people who hurt me....and I should have. After all, they were 8th graders in the same math class as a 7th grader. And they also were not in my 8th grade math class....they had to repeat it, again. Ahh, karma.

Turning Left

soo..... I've been at the new job for a week now and I am sure that you are all desperate for an update. Here are the differences between what happens to me on a daily basis versus what I left at the center:

1. In the morning I turn left instead of right onto 3rd avenue. Every time I do, I think of that line in Dr. Who that says "turn left and change the world".
2. Where I would have to take into account that it is a 5-10 minute walk into my office AFTER the five minute drive to the U, now from my door to the office door is 6 minutes.
3. Along the parking lines....leaving the worksite in the middle of the day isn't a horrible logistical nightmare. I left to pick up a catering order the other day: 30 seconds to get to the car and pull out of the driveway, 3 minutes to restaurant, 4 minutes to pick up order and pay, 3 minutes back to the office.....11 minutes total. At the University, I would just be getting to my car and pulling out in 11 minutes....and I would have no hope of getting the same parking place when I got back to campus.
4. New workplace has a sink in the breakroom area....no more washing dishes in the bathroom! Plus as the awful and overpriced Union food isn't an option I have been forced to bring my lunch to work with me everyday....my nutrition level has definitely risen.
5. I work under a skylight.....real light folks!!! No more cave office with dingy florescent lighting and bad air.
6. Even though I am in an all female office...the dating prospects are much better. Gone are the days of the only eligible bachelors being grad-students who are anxious to leave Utah the second they finish their degree....hello to that super hunky officer who was at a meeting at our offices yesterday. Oh so dreamy......
7. Now onto the job.... I have a director who is honest and caring, one who actively backs her employees and one who is fully respected by her peers. Let's say that at the center it was the exact opposite situation.
8. At the moment I am actively trying to take as many tasks as I can eek out of my director, versus being given an impossible workload....no more being overworked and underpaid!
9. One thing that is similar is that I am a good assistant, and I know what a good assistant should be doing. My new director isn't used to having someone to help her, and sadly has been doing way too much on her own. Every time she apologizes for giving me work to do, I have to remind her that I am her assistant and that is what I am there for.
10. Another similarity is that I find the subject matter that I am dealing with to be absolutely fascinating. I've spent alot of time this week reading to get myself up to speed on the subject of sexual violence....I am at the point where I start rattling off rape statistics to random people.

Overall I am so happy that I got this job and left the center. The weight off of my shoulders has been immense....in fact ---and this might be a bit too personal for some--- I am actually having a period this week. I haven't had a decent period in months because I have been too stressed out with the on-goings at the center. And if anything, I think that is a definite sign of good things to come.

Closing the door

Today was my last day at the Center. It was very strange. For once I completed all of my to-do list. For once, there is nothing left to do, nothing to lose sleep over.

I thought that I was ok until I was closing the door of my office for the last time. I didn't expect to tear up, but I did. I've been at the center for almost 6 years of employment....so many of my major life changes happened there....so much baggage.

And now, no more.
Strange.
Really strange.

So..... I'm not crying....its just raining on my face.

One Resolution Down!

This has been one crazy and awesomely cool week.

As you can tell my the title, one of my resolutions from my last post has been accomplished. Which one? Not the piano one sadly....although I did practice for so long today that my forearms are burning. And there is no new wii in my living room. So that leaves....yes....I got a new job. And not one, but two.

Yes folks.....I got offered TWO jobs this week.

Two!

Holy shit.

I did a second interview with the YWCA the last week of the year, and have been on tenderhooks with the job offer as I knew that on the 31st (Thursday) that my references were being called. My contact person at the Y even called me to get another reference number because she couldn't reach anyone at the University. And of course....I spent all of New Year's waiting (it was a depressive New Year's for me for that reason) and was still waiting to hear something on Monday. Tuesday I had decided that I would email my contact to see what was happening. She called me before I wrote to her. She needed another reference. She also said that it was just a formality that she had to speak to three professional references before she could make an offer....and then she promised me that she would call me on Wednesday. At about 2pm on Wednesday, she calls and offers me the job.....which I of course accept. Before I left the MEC at 3pm that day I had given my notice.

But this is not the end of the story.

Friday afternoon about 2pm I get a call from Linda telling me that she just finished talking with the folks over at UCASA....which I had interviewed with the day before my first interview with the YWCA.... and that they were going to offer me the job. Then I sent a message to Libby telling her how odd this was. She then replied that she was currently on the phone with them. Between the two jobs I had wanted UCASA more....not for the money but the job duties itself. I told Libby to send me a message when she was off the phone with them.

For the next few minutes I fretted about what to do if I was offered the job as I had already accepted the position at the Y. Both Linda and Libby were telling me that I needed to take this second job. As soon as Libby was typing the message "Done. Get ready for the phone to ring." The phone was ringing and I was offered the second job in three days.

There was no choice really. I had to accept the second job and called the YWCA and turn down their offer of employment. I felt bad by disappointing the Y....but I really have no loyalty to them yet.

On Wednesday I was elated because I was leaving the MEC, albeit for a job that was going to be less responsibility and the same pay. On Friday I was leaving the MEC with a job that is a considerable pay raise and job status raid. So, if you are wondering, the new administrative assistant for the Utah Coalition Against Sexual Assault officially starts on Wednesday January 20th.

Crazy, crazy couple of days.

Bye Bye Dear Esther, Hello New Year!

I've been sitting on a piece of momentous news for a week now, that I need to share with you all.
After over a year and a half of hard emotional work, I have finished therapy with Esther.
It
feels
good.

I feel like I have graduated.
Its awesome....and not like "surfer dude" awesome, but the actual dictionary definition of awesome- inspiring awe which is a emotion mixed with reverence, dread, and wonder.

So, I have some semblance of having got it together.....now I can look forward to the new year because I can see where I've been. I'm sure that I will have a series of whiny posts coming that attempt to wax philosophical at the accomplishments of the past year....which haven't really been too much. Judging by my blog, I've bitched alot about a job that I haven't quit yet but hope to soon, blubbered about the trauma of actually finishing my masters degree, and named my dental crown after my ex-husband.

I'm working on a list of resolutions/goals for the next year....here is what they are currently:
1. Get a new job so that I can tell my old one of where to stick it.
2. Progress from beginner level to intermediate level in piano.
3. Get a Wii or some sort of gaming system so that I can play rock band at home, and maybe figure out why the male gender finds video games so much fun. I mean, I like beer, bbq, and football....I need to work on understanding video games next in order to fully progress in my "guy-friendly" girl thing that I have going on.
4. Uhhhh......ok, so maybe I don't have too many other goals at the moment. Maybe I should do just progressive resolutions so that once I finish one I can work and make another one..... yeah, that might work better....then I can do less thinking.

The Things That I Haven't Blogged About....

are slowly mounting up higher and higher.
I will get back to them soon....when it is "safe" to write about them: I've got lots of work drama...you have NO idea.

In the meantime, I would like to tell you about a project that I have recently become a subject in. You may or may not have heard of the "We Feel Fine" project. Basically this group of guys created a script that would search English language blogs and note everytime that the words "I feel" were used. They have recently turned this web project into a book.

You can see the whole page that I am on here. It has a self portrait of me, an excerpt from a former blog post, and a little blurb about me. Here is a small screenshot of just my stuff.


To place there my words come from, they were written just before Christmas 2007. Jimmy and I had gone to Arizona and Mr.3 was supposedly still in the VA hospital. On that Christmas morning he called me to tell me that he had been released and was coming home. He had said that he would call me a little later when he got to the house. It was the last time that I ever heard from him. It was an inexplicably cruel act. But it was that moment, just before all of that pain was unleashed, that this books captures of me. Its an emotional snapshot.

It seems odd that I would comment on how being in a book that chronicles people's emotions makes me feel....but I am going to do it anyway. When they sent me the original request to include my images and words, I immediately said yes.....partly because I didn't think much would come of it and I thought that it was a unique idea. But now that I have received my copy of the book in the mail, it feels so much more real. There is so much truth in the book, and seeing just a small reproduction of some of the sadness in my life is indescribable really. It is alien and then closely intimate at the same time. I know that it is me, and I feel distant from it....but when I show the page to other people I start to tear up. Its almost like I'm trying to show people proof that I was in pain...that it all really happened and wasn't some made up story.

In any case, besides my sad sob-story that is listed in there, this is an amazing book. I hope that people buy it, and I should probably buy a copy or two to give to family and such. But that might have to wait until after Christmas.

The Unexpected Coffee

So I am at Two Creeks with Libby this evening ordering the largest conceivable raspberry mocha available on their menu. The cost was $4.30 (for once I had cash in my pocket) and as I was handing the five dollar bill to the cashier a man from behind me says "oh, just put that on my tab."

My response "oh, that's ok, I can get it" but at this point the cash is back in my hand and the guy is waving off my comment saying that it is fine. And in normal-Debbie-awkward-style I say "but I don't even know who you are."

Again he waves me off and reassures me that it is his treat.

So in true fashion of not accepting gifts from strangers (ah, my parents would be proud) I stick out my hand to shake his, introduce myself, and thank him profusely. His name is Peter if you are curious.

I take my obnoxiously large raspberry mocha and sit at a table with Libby... who of course notes that I am blushing. Whenever someone notices that, it always makes you blush more....which happened several more times this evening.

I am not sure what to think about this really. First of all, those who know me know that I have issues with others buying things for me (I will let the occasional a person do it, if I know them well, and if I feel like I have resisted sufficiently against the kindness). Second, I worry about people's motives all the time. The reality is that this guy was just practicing a random act of kindness on a Friday night, rather than trying to initiate some conversation with me because he is either in love with me or secretly stalking me.

And if the goal for a person in doing a random act of kindness is to make a stranger feel oddly appreciated, valued, and that there is something about that person which is worthy of praise (even if that praise comes in the guise of a free coffee)...then this guy's gesture fully hit the mark.

So thank you again random-act-of-kindness-coffee-guy.....I needed that more than I needed the mocha.

Incidentally, he is a doctor of some sort and drives a motorcycle.....and is a regular at the coffee shop. Libby said that a sugar-daddy could do me some good, but I am still unsure if I should try to hang out at the coffee shop in an effort to meet him again....cause that could just be setting myself up for disaster.

When the hell did it become November?

Seriously. When did that happen?

Anything new on my front? Not too much, not really.

The daily schedule is that I get up and work, then I go to the other work, then I come home and work some more, then I go work a bit more, and hopefully if I have time I either practice piano or do some of my volunteer work before I go to bed.

Routine or rut?
And does it even matter if that question is answered?

Things have been going surprisingly well at the center. In fact, I feel like a cloud has been lifted, and the new director has given me some very cool projects to be in charge of. I haven't felt enthusiastic about work for a while....and it is so refreshing to be excited about what I am doing there. I've even stopped looking for other jobs. Although I am still considering actually going into the classroom....but to apply for that program I have to wait until March. Until then, I will have to console myself with various projects at the center which have varying levels of coolness....such as this coming Monday I will be going to teach five separate six grade classes about the social life of ancient Egyptians.

While I am probably one of a handful of people who would be excited about this presentation....maybe I can perk up your interest by sharing the following picture with you.



Know what this is? Well.....this is what happens if you argue with the tax collector in ancient Egypt. You just know that the IRS wishes that they could do this.

And yes.....I am so totally showing this to sixth graders.