Perhaps the easiest way to poison an office would be to leave food on the main desk. After being out of the office for a few hours getting items for Roberta's farewell party tonight, I come back to find a Russian chocolate bar, a box of key lime cookies, a bag of orange cremesicle crunch, and a sucker that says Moab UT on it. I have no idea who gave it to me, and no one in the office knows either...but they were placed in a way that it could only be seen that they were for me...
Strange...but I am going to try the orange cremesicle crunch things anyway... They look like they have been factory sealed at any rate.
Friday, May 27, 2005
Wednesday, May 25, 2005
Low self-esteem altoid brownies
It has been a week since the meeting with the bug and the AA, and I know that I have been remiss in letting everyone know what happened. Even a week later it is really hard to tell anyone what actually happened. I could tell you the exact word by word blow of the situation, but even that wouldn't quite nail it down.
The important thing is that I did not cry at any moment, but the bug did at least 3 times. She had no idea that she was upsetting me like she was (no surprise) and she really didn't know why I was being so mean to her...and there gets to be this level of how much do you believe that someone is truly oblivious to their behavior and what they do out of spite. Take JB for example...she truly did not care about anyone or anything that couldn't get her ahead in some way. The bug on the otherhand legitimately wants to try to do good, but is misguided in her approach.
2 things really came out in this meeting that surprised me: One, she really likes me, and two, the bug has the lowest self-esteem that I have ever seen in a human being. The pity I feel for her now vastly overshadows any annoyance that she could have cost me.
Her giving me a pet name, hanging over my computer, and all of the things that she does that drives me nuts are her attempts to get close to me. She feels very maturnal towards me and she likes me above everyone in the office, in fact she felt that I was the closest to a friend/family that she has had here. I explained to her that she doesn't need to mother me, we don't need to try to be friends, I just want her to be herself. In the meeting I even gave examples of when she was truly herself and it showed, and that I really like those moments with her. But this comes to another issue, that of after 62+ years, she has absolutely no sense of her own identity. She has always been June the mother, June Barry's wife, June the one in Outreach, June the Advisor...she has never been just June. She worries about her job performace, why people don't like her, why she doesn't fit in, why is she unhappy...she doesn't understand that she needs to go out and find that happiness for herself, it doesn't just fall into your lap. And there is no easy way of finding it. In her mind she has done everything that is expected of her, she got married and stayed married, she raised her children, she helps the household by trying to keep it financially sound, she was a dutiful daughter...and yet she isn't happy. There is nothing in the bible about doing the right things in life and still being happy in the here and now. She needs to divorce her husband. He makes her unhappy and she does the same to him. He manipulates her, he lies to her, and leaves her behind to pick up the pieces of respectability. She needs to leave him, sell their house, and she needs to start out on her own. And while it is easy to tell her these things, ultimately, she needs to find the strength to do it on her own.
This meeting felt very much like a therapy session, and it was focused very heavily on her. That is probably why I am not sure how to feel about the whole thing. Since the meeting we have been on the best of terms, better than we have ever been. I, yes me, have even been defending her to others in the office. She not only let down her guard but she showed me her core. It is a place that I would never want to be in. I have to respect her just for showing me that side of her...and it is really strange when you are let that deep into someones psyche how everything can be forgiven.
Last night, Mr.3, Jason and I gave a short presentation about the Model Arab League to the United Nations Association of Utah. Even though she had told me she would be unable to attend, she showed up anyway...and I guess that now I know how much I mean to her I really appreicate the gesture.
This is not to say in the least that she is serving as a replacement for family in my life. I know that my Mom was worried about that a bit. Rather, my anger has turned to pity and I am allowing her to , well..for lack of a better word, love me. I am sure that this confuses everyone..but I myself still feel in shock about the situation on the whole.
I guess though that I should quickly explain the title...the bug made brownies the other day for the office...an attempt on her part to show regard...anyway she used peppermint oil instead of extract in the frosting mixture and the frosting tastes like altoids...if you eat the frosting first and then the brownie it is pretty good and a little on the adicting side.
The important thing is that I did not cry at any moment, but the bug did at least 3 times. She had no idea that she was upsetting me like she was (no surprise) and she really didn't know why I was being so mean to her...and there gets to be this level of how much do you believe that someone is truly oblivious to their behavior and what they do out of spite. Take JB for example...she truly did not care about anyone or anything that couldn't get her ahead in some way. The bug on the otherhand legitimately wants to try to do good, but is misguided in her approach.
2 things really came out in this meeting that surprised me: One, she really likes me, and two, the bug has the lowest self-esteem that I have ever seen in a human being. The pity I feel for her now vastly overshadows any annoyance that she could have cost me.
Her giving me a pet name, hanging over my computer, and all of the things that she does that drives me nuts are her attempts to get close to me. She feels very maturnal towards me and she likes me above everyone in the office, in fact she felt that I was the closest to a friend/family that she has had here. I explained to her that she doesn't need to mother me, we don't need to try to be friends, I just want her to be herself. In the meeting I even gave examples of when she was truly herself and it showed, and that I really like those moments with her. But this comes to another issue, that of after 62+ years, she has absolutely no sense of her own identity. She has always been June the mother, June Barry's wife, June the one in Outreach, June the Advisor...she has never been just June. She worries about her job performace, why people don't like her, why she doesn't fit in, why is she unhappy...she doesn't understand that she needs to go out and find that happiness for herself, it doesn't just fall into your lap. And there is no easy way of finding it. In her mind she has done everything that is expected of her, she got married and stayed married, she raised her children, she helps the household by trying to keep it financially sound, she was a dutiful daughter...and yet she isn't happy. There is nothing in the bible about doing the right things in life and still being happy in the here and now. She needs to divorce her husband. He makes her unhappy and she does the same to him. He manipulates her, he lies to her, and leaves her behind to pick up the pieces of respectability. She needs to leave him, sell their house, and she needs to start out on her own. And while it is easy to tell her these things, ultimately, she needs to find the strength to do it on her own.
This meeting felt very much like a therapy session, and it was focused very heavily on her. That is probably why I am not sure how to feel about the whole thing. Since the meeting we have been on the best of terms, better than we have ever been. I, yes me, have even been defending her to others in the office. She not only let down her guard but she showed me her core. It is a place that I would never want to be in. I have to respect her just for showing me that side of her...and it is really strange when you are let that deep into someones psyche how everything can be forgiven.
Last night, Mr.3, Jason and I gave a short presentation about the Model Arab League to the United Nations Association of Utah. Even though she had told me she would be unable to attend, she showed up anyway...and I guess that now I know how much I mean to her I really appreicate the gesture.
This is not to say in the least that she is serving as a replacement for family in my life. I know that my Mom was worried about that a bit. Rather, my anger has turned to pity and I am allowing her to , well..for lack of a better word, love me. I am sure that this confuses everyone..but I myself still feel in shock about the situation on the whole.
I guess though that I should quickly explain the title...the bug made brownies the other day for the office...an attempt on her part to show regard...anyway she used peppermint oil instead of extract in the frosting mixture and the frosting tastes like altoids...if you eat the frosting first and then the brownie it is pretty good and a little on the adicting side.
A blast from the "Crazies" Past
Ok, some of you might remember a lady that came into the office last year (look at the 7/14/04 post) claiming that her identity was stolen and that the woman impersonating her was out and about on campus...and well anyway, we needed to know that she is the real CIA agent and not this woman. And at the time the story was ridulous and you know, it still is.
So today she comes in, burdened with 3 carry-on luggage cases as opposed to the 2 of last year. Reintroduces herself and asks if we will be having any lectures or conferences this summer. This is the same question that she asked last year, and like last year the answer is the same, no. But she continued on talking about random things about the office (if we had any literature she could take, interesting pamphlets, etc.) and about the Middle East on the whole (oh, isn't just awful about the soldier dying in Iraq...if only we could find a way to leave...), after a few minutes of her talking she gives me this comment that some of the old timers in the office (trust me...they ain't here anymore) would remember her name. And she says this is the way of "don't you know who I am?" Unfortuately, I do remember who she is, she is one of the best all-time crazies that have come into the office...and while she had quite the audience last year (several people heard her speech) I think that she was a little disappointed that only one person was in here today. Well, Ms. Goldstein, you are remembered, but probably not what you have wanted to be for.
So today she comes in, burdened with 3 carry-on luggage cases as opposed to the 2 of last year. Reintroduces herself and asks if we will be having any lectures or conferences this summer. This is the same question that she asked last year, and like last year the answer is the same, no. But she continued on talking about random things about the office (if we had any literature she could take, interesting pamphlets, etc.) and about the Middle East on the whole (oh, isn't just awful about the soldier dying in Iraq...if only we could find a way to leave...), after a few minutes of her talking she gives me this comment that some of the old timers in the office (trust me...they ain't here anymore) would remember her name. And she says this is the way of "don't you know who I am?" Unfortuately, I do remember who she is, she is one of the best all-time crazies that have come into the office...and while she had quite the audience last year (several people heard her speech) I think that she was a little disappointed that only one person was in here today. Well, Ms. Goldstein, you are remembered, but probably not what you have wanted to be for.
Wednesday, May 18, 2005
hostile work environment
This is mainly in response to a comment on a previous post...I wouldn't say that the work environment at the university is hostile on the whole, I actually love my job and the other people in the office...but it is amazing how one person can affect your entire outlook on work. I hear her door open down the hall and I tense up, my breathing becomes irregular and when she speaks to me it takes a tremedous amount of control to not lash out to defend myself in some way.
Earlier this week when I was talking to our AA, we discussed that it is in both of our natures not to react to conflict...and so nothing becomes resolved. That is why they are forcing this meeting upon us to that hopefully something will be resolved. However, I really don't think anything will come of it, the bug will pretend to listen and take everything to heart, and things might be fine for a week or so and then they will go right back to normal and I will have to be the one to "learn to deal".
I have a little over an hour to prepare for the meeting. Our AA advised us to make notes of what we wanted to say for the meeting and what started as a couple of lines that I thought would only deal with the personal issues I have and not the professional ones that I should be dealing with...it has turned into a mini-epic. But I think that I have it centralized along the same basic theme...it all comes down to respect and truth. Her behavior towards me (the baby talk, the constant looking at my computer screen to watch what I am doing, the lack of listening to me so that I have to tell her something a million times) all shows a lack of respect for me. How can I respect someone who doesn't respect me? And I know that I should try to be above all of that--putting your bias behind and being forgiving and all of that---but I can't anymore. Isil told me once that for someone who annoyed me so much it must mean that I care about her. And maybe that is true on some level...maybe if I didn't care about my job or my fellow human beings that do have some impact on my job...I wouldn't care and I wouldn't be so annoyed. The fact remains however that I am annoyed and I really don't like being as upset as I have been lately.
Back to the respect thing...if I can't respect someone I can't really trust them as well, and I see her doing a lot of things that she shouldn't and in an effort to save my ass, I am defensive about it.
Well I better go and ready myself. The goal is to get all that I have to say out and not cry. I will keep everyone posted.
Earlier this week when I was talking to our AA, we discussed that it is in both of our natures not to react to conflict...and so nothing becomes resolved. That is why they are forcing this meeting upon us to that hopefully something will be resolved. However, I really don't think anything will come of it, the bug will pretend to listen and take everything to heart, and things might be fine for a week or so and then they will go right back to normal and I will have to be the one to "learn to deal".
I have a little over an hour to prepare for the meeting. Our AA advised us to make notes of what we wanted to say for the meeting and what started as a couple of lines that I thought would only deal with the personal issues I have and not the professional ones that I should be dealing with...it has turned into a mini-epic. But I think that I have it centralized along the same basic theme...it all comes down to respect and truth. Her behavior towards me (the baby talk, the constant looking at my computer screen to watch what I am doing, the lack of listening to me so that I have to tell her something a million times) all shows a lack of respect for me. How can I respect someone who doesn't respect me? And I know that I should try to be above all of that--putting your bias behind and being forgiving and all of that---but I can't anymore. Isil told me once that for someone who annoyed me so much it must mean that I care about her. And maybe that is true on some level...maybe if I didn't care about my job or my fellow human beings that do have some impact on my job...I wouldn't care and I wouldn't be so annoyed. The fact remains however that I am annoyed and I really don't like being as upset as I have been lately.
Back to the respect thing...if I can't respect someone I can't really trust them as well, and I see her doing a lot of things that she shouldn't and in an effort to save my ass, I am defensive about it.
Well I better go and ready myself. The goal is to get all that I have to say out and not cry. I will keep everyone posted.
Monday, May 16, 2005
Dammit!
I am getting sick and tired of dealing with all the bug's shit.
This morning she made a comment to Mr.3 about a problem she was having a student's grade not being posted...Mr.3 not me..I work there, and we are separate people, but she doesn't seem to see it that way. I interrupted their conversation and answered the question for her and she left off on her merry way.
E-grading is my job and last semester we went through this whole thing about it and we are going over it again. Later I sent her an email reminding her that if she had gotten any other questions about e-grading that they should be directed to me, as I am the department representative. It was a calm and professional email. Then she spouts off with this email that was super hostile claiming that she wasn't trying to take my job....but she was! and I have to keep having to remind her about it!!!! I sent her an email back telling her that I was not trying to solict such a hostile email and that I had sent her the email as a follow-up.
I ended talking to our AA twice today and now she wants an meeting to "mediate" between us. Ugh, I know that the bug and I are going to have to confront each other one of these days but I don't want to be forced into it. We are supposed to make notes so that we have something to talk about, where the hell do I start, it will be a fucking novel! So now I still feel super stressed, even though I would like to calm down.
I was really fairly well until I got the AA's email about wanting a meeting.
I met with the grad advisor for lingustics and he doesn't seem to think that it will be difficult at all to get me into the program. So I was in a better mood, now I just want to body slam the bug on her stupid pig-headed head.
This morning she made a comment to Mr.3 about a problem she was having a student's grade not being posted...Mr.3 not me..I work there, and we are separate people, but she doesn't seem to see it that way. I interrupted their conversation and answered the question for her and she left off on her merry way.
E-grading is my job and last semester we went through this whole thing about it and we are going over it again. Later I sent her an email reminding her that if she had gotten any other questions about e-grading that they should be directed to me, as I am the department representative. It was a calm and professional email. Then she spouts off with this email that was super hostile claiming that she wasn't trying to take my job....but she was! and I have to keep having to remind her about it!!!! I sent her an email back telling her that I was not trying to solict such a hostile email and that I had sent her the email as a follow-up.
I ended talking to our AA twice today and now she wants an meeting to "mediate" between us. Ugh, I know that the bug and I are going to have to confront each other one of these days but I don't want to be forced into it. We are supposed to make notes so that we have something to talk about, where the hell do I start, it will be a fucking novel! So now I still feel super stressed, even though I would like to calm down.
I was really fairly well until I got the AA's email about wanting a meeting.
I met with the grad advisor for lingustics and he doesn't seem to think that it will be difficult at all to get me into the program. So I was in a better mood, now I just want to body slam the bug on her stupid pig-headed head.
Wow and Ouch!
I meant to blog on Friday but when I went on there was scheduled maintainace, and for the rest of the weekend the family was done...plus Saturday I had this whole sinus thing that about killed me.
Well I finally finished my Kabbalah paper, yeah! But Harris said that is "was not a fair reflection of my intelligence" and was going to recommend that Sluglett give me an "I" and that we work on it over the summer. So it was a partly a "wow" he thinks that I am really smart kind of compliment, and then it is also an "ouch" the paper is crap and you should have done better compliment. I thought it was pretty decent, especially as it was a subject that I know nothing about and had to pull 20 pages of it out of my ass in 3 weeks. I don't want an I grade, I really don't. I just want this all to be over with.
Today I meet with the grad advisor in Lingusitcs to discuss my transfer over, I hope that this goes smoothly...
in other news I am just going to smack the bug. The meeting on Wednesday was to establish the "new rules" so to speak. And basically she is to only contact me for stuff by email, but she keeps coming over and asking me to do stuff and then hovering over me while I do it. Like that meeting helped...I keep trying to drop hints as to her send me an email, but it doesn't seem to work.
today is the first day of summer semester and Mr. 3 has a class until 12:05...I have gotten so used to eating lunch at 11am, that I am dying at the moment and feel like I am going to be sick...but that could just be having to deal with the bug today...
Well I finally finished my Kabbalah paper, yeah! But Harris said that is "was not a fair reflection of my intelligence" and was going to recommend that Sluglett give me an "I" and that we work on it over the summer. So it was a partly a "wow" he thinks that I am really smart kind of compliment, and then it is also an "ouch" the paper is crap and you should have done better compliment. I thought it was pretty decent, especially as it was a subject that I know nothing about and had to pull 20 pages of it out of my ass in 3 weeks. I don't want an I grade, I really don't. I just want this all to be over with.
Today I meet with the grad advisor in Lingusitcs to discuss my transfer over, I hope that this goes smoothly...
in other news I am just going to smack the bug. The meeting on Wednesday was to establish the "new rules" so to speak. And basically she is to only contact me for stuff by email, but she keeps coming over and asking me to do stuff and then hovering over me while I do it. Like that meeting helped...I keep trying to drop hints as to her send me an email, but it doesn't seem to work.
today is the first day of summer semester and Mr. 3 has a class until 12:05...I have gotten so used to eating lunch at 11am, that I am dying at the moment and feel like I am going to be sick...but that could just be having to deal with the bug today...
Thursday, May 12, 2005
My brain is melting...
Ugh, I am trying to finish this paper, but I have need a break in a bad way. I know what I want to say, it is only a matter of putting it on paper. And while I have been able to work a lot on the paper at work today, I haven't gotten nearly as far along as I have wanted to. I hope (fingers crossed) that I can get the writing of it done today and then just work on the revisions for tomorrow and get it sent off to the teacher. But I will by no means stay up any later than midnight to finish this thing tonight. I would like to just go to bed at the normal time, let's hope that works.
I feel a little better today, the previous 2 days I have felt like crud, and have missed work because of it. I hardly worked on my paper at all. And now I just want to finish it and be done, but that's hard when you are a perfectionist.
in other news, I received notice that I will be involved in a ketchup study...they are going to send me 2 bottles of ketchup to sample for the next month and then answer questions about them..I'm kinda excited.
I feel a little better today, the previous 2 days I have felt like crud, and have missed work because of it. I hardly worked on my paper at all. And now I just want to finish it and be done, but that's hard when you are a perfectionist.
in other news, I received notice that I will be involved in a ketchup study...they are going to send me 2 bottles of ketchup to sample for the next month and then answer questions about them..I'm kinda excited.
Monday, May 09, 2005
I am the master slacker!!
So I had nothing to do at all today at work, and did I work on my paper...no. Did I think about it...yeah, but I still did not lift a finger, I really need to write but I don't want to...and I still haven't sent a rough draft to Lenowitz. Part of me is considering asking for an extention until Friday (it's due Wednesday) but I wonder if that will make me procasinate longer? Couldn't hurt, could it? I'll see how far I get tonight and make a decision in the morning.
and there was something else that I was going to tell you but I can't remember...it was probably about me procastinating anyway.
and there was something else that I was going to tell you but I can't remember...it was probably about me procastinating anyway.
Sunday, May 08, 2005
Mayonaise Haze
So I made Ranch dressing to put onto my baked potatoes for lunch this afternoon, only to find out that the mayonaise was at least 2 months out of date, leaving me with a tummy ache. For a while I couldn't decide if I was going to be sick or not but taking a nap seemed to help. I had super weird and vivid dreams. We were in a house that was much larger than what we had expected it to be...only a few rooms but it had huge elegant staircases and a couple floors of huge ballrooms. Even though no one had been in the rooms for years, there was no dust and the wooden floors looked like they had just been polished. There was an elevator that looked..
- sorry nookie break -
like a fireman's pole instead of an elevator. I had wrapped myself around the pole but had started to fall and was caught between the floors (between the top floor ballroom and another one that was fifty feet below me), you were able to see the sub flooring which was unusual as it looked like they had a level that they had built on top of. You could see 6 inches of the floor space, and the chairs legs that were there that they just chopped off at the 6 inch mark exactly where the chair had stood. They same went for the other furniture that was in the room. It was very strange...so I woke up from the nap with a horrific headache, dizzy, a stomach that has felt like it has done a thousand sit-ups, and randy as all get out. Strange, but rememdied...
I forgot to tell you something from before...Mr.3 and I hit a new mark in our relationship today...I ran the Mr. Coffee machine this morning, without having him do it, or tell me how much coffee to put into it. Turkish coffee, I have no problem with- as that is really the only type of coffee that I drink on a regular basis- but the coffee machine petrifies me and I think that I overcame it today.
- sorry nookie break -
like a fireman's pole instead of an elevator. I had wrapped myself around the pole but had started to fall and was caught between the floors (between the top floor ballroom and another one that was fifty feet below me), you were able to see the sub flooring which was unusual as it looked like they had a level that they had built on top of. You could see 6 inches of the floor space, and the chairs legs that were there that they just chopped off at the 6 inch mark exactly where the chair had stood. They same went for the other furniture that was in the room. It was very strange...so I woke up from the nap with a horrific headache, dizzy, a stomach that has felt like it has done a thousand sit-ups, and randy as all get out. Strange, but rememdied...
I forgot to tell you something from before...Mr.3 and I hit a new mark in our relationship today...I ran the Mr. Coffee machine this morning, without having him do it, or tell me how much coffee to put into it. Turkish coffee, I have no problem with- as that is really the only type of coffee that I drink on a regular basis- but the coffee machine petrifies me and I think that I overcame it today.
Sunday morning...
So I just sent Mr.3 across the street to go and get a haircut, and I think that this might have been the first time that I have been in the house without him here...well maybe when we first moved in, but either way it has been the first time in months...it is strange, I fell like I should do something rash or silly or whatever as I am in a moment where he isn't around...oddly enough I can't think of anything except making lunch for myself.
So I have done some reading for my Kabbalah paper but have only written a paragraph...I think that I am forming everything in my head. It is such a nice day outside though that I think that I would like to move the whole operation to the back porch, which I might do...except I can't tell if the bugs out there are gnats or mosquitos. It would seem to be an odd time for the mosquitos to be out, but you never know.
So I have done some reading for my Kabbalah paper but have only written a paragraph...I think that I am forming everything in my head. It is such a nice day outside though that I think that I would like to move the whole operation to the back porch, which I might do...except I can't tell if the bugs out there are gnats or mosquitos. It would seem to be an odd time for the mosquitos to be out, but you never know.
Saturday, May 07, 2005
Finished!!! For a brief moment...
So I have been working madly on my Turkish paper and I have finally finished and sent it off to my teacher...thank goodness she gave me some extra time. I hope that it is decent, after a while you begin to delude yourself into thinking that you actually have all of the grammar correct, but I am sure that I made a ton of mistakes....
Now, tomorrow, I will begin working on the Kabbalah paper, which I am supposed to have a rough draft into Harris by tomorrow evening...I would work on it tonight but I need a break and want to spend some time with Mr.3 who has been bored most of today, waiting for me to finish. But a huge weight has been lifted from my shoulders finishing that goofy turkish thing...if only I could now lose all the knots in my back from hunching over all day...
So I talked to my mom late last night and apparently my little brother has taken a clay snowman that me made for my mom ten years ago and done something with it. He insists that he hasn't touched it, but then as he is denying everything he will give some statement that he knows what happened to it. So my mom was pretty upset and she has devised a plan to punish. She can't charge him for an item of sentimental value but she can charge him for some property damage that he did before we sent him off to "camp" a year or so ago. He has gotten a job for the summer and he won't get to see a cent of it.
In other news, there is currently an Amber alert going on...A mother was letting her fiance babysit her little 3 year old, and apparently the fiance has "relapsed" and started to take heroin again. He apparently was trying to cash forged checks for money earlier today. I know that the mother is having enough worry right now as it is, but what type of mother lets her druggie boyfriend babysit? They is a definite lack of common sense. Let's just hope that the little girl is alright and hasn't been sold for heroin money. What a great mother's day that woman will be having..
Now, tomorrow, I will begin working on the Kabbalah paper, which I am supposed to have a rough draft into Harris by tomorrow evening...I would work on it tonight but I need a break and want to spend some time with Mr.3 who has been bored most of today, waiting for me to finish. But a huge weight has been lifted from my shoulders finishing that goofy turkish thing...if only I could now lose all the knots in my back from hunching over all day...
So I talked to my mom late last night and apparently my little brother has taken a clay snowman that me made for my mom ten years ago and done something with it. He insists that he hasn't touched it, but then as he is denying everything he will give some statement that he knows what happened to it. So my mom was pretty upset and she has devised a plan to punish. She can't charge him for an item of sentimental value but she can charge him for some property damage that he did before we sent him off to "camp" a year or so ago. He has gotten a job for the summer and he won't get to see a cent of it.
In other news, there is currently an Amber alert going on...A mother was letting her fiance babysit her little 3 year old, and apparently the fiance has "relapsed" and started to take heroin again. He apparently was trying to cash forged checks for money earlier today. I know that the mother is having enough worry right now as it is, but what type of mother lets her druggie boyfriend babysit? They is a definite lack of common sense. Let's just hope that the little girl is alright and hasn't been sold for heroin money. What a great mother's day that woman will be having..
Friday, May 06, 2005
Your Birthdate: July 30 |
Your birthday on the 30th day of the month shows individual self-expression is necessary for your happiness. You tend to have a good way of expressing yourself with words, certainly in a manner that is clear and understandable. You have a good chance of success in fields requiring skill with words. You can be very dramatic in your presentation and you may be a good actor or a natural mimic. You have a vivid imagination that can assist you in becoming a good writer or story-teller. Strong in your opinions, you always tend to think you are on the right side of an issue. There may be a tendency to scatter your energies and have a lot of loose ends in your work. You may have significant artistic talent and be very creative. |
Thursday, May 05, 2005
Oh so tired...
and I am blogging this morning so that I can keep myself a little active to stay awake.
Mr.3 and I were up late last night, till 2 am, he was working on his paper and I was serving as his uber-picky editor. Today I need to finish my Turkish paper, which I more or less have written in the English, I just need to translate it all over...I haven't started yet, and I really hope that my head will be able to wrap around the grammar.
I have also found that I don't even have the energy to be annoyed with the bug, I think that I have spoken to her, but I am not sure. It's only 9:30 so I am sure that something will change and she will ignite some spark of anger...that might actually keep me going today....
anyway, I am sure that I will be blogging nonsense today so I can keep myself busy, till next time, I'm out.
Mr.3 and I were up late last night, till 2 am, he was working on his paper and I was serving as his uber-picky editor. Today I need to finish my Turkish paper, which I more or less have written in the English, I just need to translate it all over...I haven't started yet, and I really hope that my head will be able to wrap around the grammar.
I have also found that I don't even have the energy to be annoyed with the bug, I think that I have spoken to her, but I am not sure. It's only 9:30 so I am sure that something will change and she will ignite some spark of anger...that might actually keep me going today....
anyway, I am sure that I will be blogging nonsense today so I can keep myself busy, till next time, I'm out.
Wednesday, May 04, 2005
Curiousity is killing the cat
Well...so far this morning the bug has been doing everything to be the biggest busybody imaginable...even though I have sent her emails (through gritted teeth) that the boss has asked me to send to "keep her informed"...she will call me several times about the same email so that she can check up on me...I keep telling myself to calm down and breathe, but it helps, only a very little...
The bug had her meeting this morning at 10am and it lasted a little longer than mine did. I can't hear very much at all from where my desk is, only when voices were raised, but Mr.3 was working on his paper in the Zucker room and could hear better. The only times I could distinctly hear her voice is when she would pipe up "Well, she did this...and she did that..." and according to Mr.3 it would always be followed by the director or the associate director going "now, hold on a minute, that is not the case..." Mr.3 thinks that it went alright, I am just hoping that it went all right.
There is a student having his oral comps today and of course the bug is making huge overtures to be perfect by bringing expensive treats and such (eventually she will charge this all back to the center anyway). Well she had set up as much as she could before her meeting, and it was about 20 minutes to noon (when the comps were scheduled) and I thought that I would be "nice" and turn on the coffee maker for her...as I said I am trying, I really am. When she came out of the office she wouldn't look at me and wouldn't acknowledge me when I told her that i turned on the coffee for her so that it would be ready...
part of me really hopes that her meeting was a true "come to jesus" meeting (since i have my own cult I don't need to worry), but if I have to deal with the humiliation of being nice to her she should have to be nice to me as well. And I guess that she has probably has taken my "helpfulness" as a sign that that she has "won", but I guess this meeting turned her straight.
Either way, I am annoyed that she isn't "trying" as well...life sucks sweetie, get over it. The curiosity is killing me about what was said in that meeting, and finally I really want to know what she was blaming me with besides the matters that she came to me with...there must have been more because she was in there a long time...and honestly my ego does have a hard time when I find out that someone has issues with me and won't let me know so that I can change them...who knows those issues might be something that I can't really ever change (like the whole being more popular thing)...God I hate this middle school shit...
The bug had her meeting this morning at 10am and it lasted a little longer than mine did. I can't hear very much at all from where my desk is, only when voices were raised, but Mr.3 was working on his paper in the Zucker room and could hear better. The only times I could distinctly hear her voice is when she would pipe up "Well, she did this...and she did that..." and according to Mr.3 it would always be followed by the director or the associate director going "now, hold on a minute, that is not the case..." Mr.3 thinks that it went alright, I am just hoping that it went all right.
There is a student having his oral comps today and of course the bug is making huge overtures to be perfect by bringing expensive treats and such (eventually she will charge this all back to the center anyway). Well she had set up as much as she could before her meeting, and it was about 20 minutes to noon (when the comps were scheduled) and I thought that I would be "nice" and turn on the coffee maker for her...as I said I am trying, I really am. When she came out of the office she wouldn't look at me and wouldn't acknowledge me when I told her that i turned on the coffee for her so that it would be ready...
part of me really hopes that her meeting was a true "come to jesus" meeting (since i have my own cult I don't need to worry), but if I have to deal with the humiliation of being nice to her she should have to be nice to me as well. And I guess that she has probably has taken my "helpfulness" as a sign that that she has "won", but I guess this meeting turned her straight.
Either way, I am annoyed that she isn't "trying" as well...life sucks sweetie, get over it. The curiosity is killing me about what was said in that meeting, and finally I really want to know what she was blaming me with besides the matters that she came to me with...there must have been more because she was in there a long time...and honestly my ego does have a hard time when I find out that someone has issues with me and won't let me know so that I can change them...who knows those issues might be something that I can't really ever change (like the whole being more popular thing)...God I hate this middle school shit...
Tuesday, May 03, 2005
It's 9:30 in the morning, & I am ready for a drink
So I came to work this morning with every intention of "trying" to be nice to the bug. I was pleasant to her, said good morning and all of that jazz...yada yada yada
And then...
I overhear her in the hallway, complaining to Kate that "someone was in her office and left something on her desk" and she was upset. I was the one who put the "something" on her desk (and it wasn't a pile of poo) which was the STUDENT FILE that she had a student sign and leave for her and a certificate that SHE HAD ASKED ME TO MAKE! And if the stupid cunt had checked her email BEFORE she started to bitch she would have seen that I had told her that I did it...but I think that she would have complained to Kate, just for the sake of complaining, even if she had read the email first.
So now her new issue is "file security" and her implication that by someone (that person being me) that her files are being "violated"....JB pulled this same shit last summer...and the reason is that she feels threatened by me and it trying to start something, anything, to prove that she is morally superior in this situation. The only reason why she is worried about someone being in her office is that they might find her supply of booze and drink it.
When she told Kate this, she just rolled her eyes and told her that if she was worried about the security of her files just to make sure that she locks the file cabinets.
What upsets me is that this was the first thing this morning, and I am finding it extremely hard to be "nice" for the rest of the day. I think that our working relationship would be much better if she just cut the crap and said that she didn't like me being better than her.
And then...
I overhear her in the hallway, complaining to Kate that "someone was in her office and left something on her desk" and she was upset. I was the one who put the "something" on her desk (and it wasn't a pile of poo) which was the STUDENT FILE that she had a student sign and leave for her and a certificate that SHE HAD ASKED ME TO MAKE! And if the stupid cunt had checked her email BEFORE she started to bitch she would have seen that I had told her that I did it...but I think that she would have complained to Kate, just for the sake of complaining, even if she had read the email first.
So now her new issue is "file security" and her implication that by someone (that person being me) that her files are being "violated"....JB pulled this same shit last summer...and the reason is that she feels threatened by me and it trying to start something, anything, to prove that she is morally superior in this situation. The only reason why she is worried about someone being in her office is that they might find her supply of booze and drink it.
When she told Kate this, she just rolled her eyes and told her that if she was worried about the security of her files just to make sure that she locks the file cabinets.
What upsets me is that this was the first thing this morning, and I am finding it extremely hard to be "nice" for the rest of the day. I think that our working relationship would be much better if she just cut the crap and said that she didn't like me being better than her.
Monday, May 02, 2005
The Cult of Delal
So today was the "meeting" between Kate, the boss, and I to discuss the email that I sent on Thursday to the bug...here is the basic gist of the meeting:
1. I apparently am not out of line, but as long as I am willing to be flexible and "try" to work with her, everything should be alright..."I" described this as "incremental diplomacy".
2. I am appreciated at work (not something that I was worried about, but they were worried that I didn't know...please my ego is large enough that I know how I am needed there) but my effeciency is frightening to those who can not compete with me...or rather people like the bug who try to compete with my efficency will fail everytime and be resentful..
and finally the most disturbing...
3. The bug apparently wants to be like me and that all of her annoying traits are just attempts on her side to "soften up" and relate to me. She also just wants me to "like" her. This is something that I might buy if I was a five-year old, but the reality is that you need to add twenty more years to that mentality. Kate gave the metaphor that my desk is the "watercooler" of the office. That I buy. Everyone and everything literally revolves around me in the office and the bug is jealous of that, and is trying to be a part of it.
So what they were basically saying was that I am popular and she isn't and I should put up with her so that I don't crush her fragile ego...all of a sudden I have been pushed back into middle school with a 62 year old dweeb. Of course in Middle and High School I was part of the anti-popular pack -that pack including the jocks and cheerleaders- and was quite active in a multitude of various cliches, but I would have never described myself as "popular" by any means. And here I am, now popular and way too egotisical in my self-reliant "shame" to truely appreicate the precious gift that has been bestowed upon me. It apparently has nothing to do with being a good person, or being natuarally caring, something beyound that leads me to this higher calling...
or, its called being a Leo.
The situation is almost too sickening to be true. Ugh. However I am accepting applications for new priests and converts to the cult of me..
1. I apparently am not out of line, but as long as I am willing to be flexible and "try" to work with her, everything should be alright..."I" described this as "incremental diplomacy".
2. I am appreciated at work (not something that I was worried about, but they were worried that I didn't know...please my ego is large enough that I know how I am needed there) but my effeciency is frightening to those who can not compete with me...or rather people like the bug who try to compete with my efficency will fail everytime and be resentful..
and finally the most disturbing...
3. The bug apparently wants to be like me and that all of her annoying traits are just attempts on her side to "soften up" and relate to me. She also just wants me to "like" her. This is something that I might buy if I was a five-year old, but the reality is that you need to add twenty more years to that mentality. Kate gave the metaphor that my desk is the "watercooler" of the office. That I buy. Everyone and everything literally revolves around me in the office and the bug is jealous of that, and is trying to be a part of it.
So what they were basically saying was that I am popular and she isn't and I should put up with her so that I don't crush her fragile ego...all of a sudden I have been pushed back into middle school with a 62 year old dweeb. Of course in Middle and High School I was part of the anti-popular pack -that pack including the jocks and cheerleaders- and was quite active in a multitude of various cliches, but I would have never described myself as "popular" by any means. And here I am, now popular and way too egotisical in my self-reliant "shame" to truely appreicate the precious gift that has been bestowed upon me. It apparently has nothing to do with being a good person, or being natuarally caring, something beyound that leads me to this higher calling...
or, its called being a Leo.
The situation is almost too sickening to be true. Ugh. However I am accepting applications for new priests and converts to the cult of me..
Sunday, May 01, 2005
el week-o from hell-o
Where oh where do I begin?
Last weekend the family, Mr.3 and I all went down to Moab, which wasn't hellish at all but a lot of fun, even if my calf muscles were cramped for the next two days and I waddled around like an old person who had soiled their diapers....
Monday and Tuesday can be lumped together, beginning of the last week of classes, and the start of something seriously wrong with scheduling. The bug asked me how easy it was to schedule things (classes) and actually it is very easy, I send an email to the scheduling department and boom, class created. However you can't just schedule a class without some backup information. This summer there was to be a colloquial Arabic intensive course to be offered, however the individual teaching the course got a better summer job, and while the departments were able to get a replacement, the replacement can not teach graduate students. This put out a lot of graduate students. So the bug "apparently" asked one of the senior Arabic professors if he would be willing to offer an independent study course for a couple of the advanced Arabic students...this was approved (or so she told me) and I scheduled it. Next, Tuesday morning, she comes to me and sets up 2 directed reading courses for an undergrad, a total of 6 credit hours, and in the process she mentions that she will change his record so that it counts for a year of Arabic...at this point I am beginning to worry that she is just allowing students buy credits, but she says that it is approved by the professor, so I am ok as I can be. Later that day she calls me on the intercom stating that a student needs thesis hours and we have to set them up right now, with the same professor that she has been scheduling everything else with. At this point I ask her if she has asked the professor, at which point she remarks that the professor doesn't need to know. Wait a sec....he does, even though she insists that thesis's don't get a grade until they are finished, that professor still needs to give the "T" to that student...so I tell her that I will not schedule anything else for her until she really talks to the said professor. Tuesday evening I worried about it and determined that I needed to talk to Kate about the situation.
Wednesday was also the year end awards party for the center...it was crazy in the morning and I had planned on talking to Kate later, however due to a specific event with the bug I couldn't, for fear of crying unnessacarily. There is a paper contest within the department that I entered, I entered it last year as well, and while my position makes the awards for the language awards, I had never had to make any sort of awards for the paper contest. Well, at the last minute the bug decides that we do need to have awards for the contest and that I should make them. Not only didn't I win, but to add salt to the wounds, I had to make the awards. And yes, I know that is small of me to be upset that I didn't win, but she did take delight in making me make the awards..so I was upset about that and instead of talking to Kate about the scheduling problem I wrote her a long email about it.
Thursday: The email proved to be a good thing because it was something that she could take to our boss, and we are going to make a standardized policy about scheduling. I also told her about the bug insensitivites, something that will never change.
So in my position I get to handle all the people who come into the center, all the students, faculty and resident crazies that visit from time to time. The rest of the center is extremely limited in its exposure to the public and I see myself as the primary "customer service representative" of the center. So a little later in the morning, while I was being tortured by some story the bug was telling me, I was happily interrupted by a student coming in to ask questions about the program. The kid introduces himself, has just graduated from BYU and is interested in ancient middle eastern history. I tell him that the bug (standing right there) was the person to talk to about the program, but also that I know from my own experience in the history department (where I got my BA in History with an Ancient Middle East emphasis)that there is not an established program only an emphasis, and then I tell him that the bug will have much more information about the Middle East program for him. She then takes him away. After she is done with him she comes back into my office and accuses me of "advising" him. I tell her that I offered him as much information as I would have offered anyone else, regardless of whether or not she is in the room, and that I was telling him what the HISTORY department does from my own knowledge, she then says that she should be the one to direct him to the history department. Fuck that, and besides she didn't know about the Ancient Middle East Emphasis anyway. But she can't leave it at that, she then accuses me of making her miss deadlines for vital paperwork by scheduling meetings for grad students. These meetings I scheduled were in the capacity of scheduling meetings for our director and scheduling department space...both my jobs, and nothing to do with babysitting her in her job. Apparently the students aren't letting her know when they are having meetings and that is somehow my fault. She actually told me that I do not schedule those meetings, but have to come to her first and that she makes sure that they are done...whoa honey...I don't think so.. She has recently been making students reschedule their oral comps (which are hard enough to get all of the professors schedules to match up as it is) so that she can be there...Which is something that shouldn't be done, it is the students responsiblity to make sure that all of their paperwork is signed, she facilitates that but is not responsible for it. But according to her, I should be responsible if it doesn't happen and that I should coordinate all of my scheduling with her first...she said "I need a secretary here in this office to ensure that my paperwork gets done correctly." And of course after she is done with the inital chew out, she continues to lecture on and on and on. The entire time I keep saying "fine", "fine", "FINE" hoping that she will take the hint and leave before I become overcome with rage and beat her forehead into tabletop. She wound the lecture down with the statement "the problem is that you are just too darn efficient". Is that a problem for anyone but her? It just makes her look bad, but it isn't a problem by any stance.
After she finally left I was holding back tears of rage. I decided that the best thing to do was to write her an email letting her know how things really are. Basically that one, I didn't advise anyone and she knows that, two, I will continue to schedule as my job befits but I will under no circumstances be held accountable for her messing up, and 3 that I am in no way her secretary or subservient, but rather we are equal on the office hierarchy and I resent her condesending attitude and lack of respect for me. I wasn't angry in the letter but straightforward. My mom and Mr.3 said that it was a very proffessional letter, even Kate agreed, as I sent a copy to her before I sent it to the bug.
Once the emails were sent I went to lunch, I thought that I was calmed down but I wasn't, which became apparent when I talked to Kate afterwards and started to cry again. Kate understood and let me go home paid for the rest of the day.
Friday: I worried for most of the night before of the office terror I was causing, but I was reassured by Kate that I had done the right thing and she could tell that it was all coming to a head soon anyway. I assume that "I" was ok with the situation as well, he- a little out of boss character but in line with the fatherfigure characther- gave me a hug before he left for the day. I have a meeting with him and Kate on Monday afternoon and the bug has one on the next wednesday. But that was not what was bad about Friday...Roberta told me that she had accepted a new job at another university, and as she is the only Turkish professor on staff, it basically means that my MA program is all shot to hell.
So there has been a lot of introspection on what I am going to do with my MA program this weekend, introspection and a break-down of sorts that resulted in balling and wailing that should have discouraged Mr.3 but surprisingly didn't....which leads me to the short but good list of things of what went alright/great with this week...
1. Mr.3 still manages to love me even after seeing be completely break down for stupid reasons.
2. I had my Linguistics final and that class is over.
3. I made cookies with Libby today.
4. Saw the Hitchhiker's guide to the galaxy on Friday evening.
5. Got to feed baby geese as well today.
6. And gave the turtles a bath...
Well now that I have written a novel for you I am going to go back to what I was doing before: trying to figure out how I can get Douglas Adams quotes into my Kabbalah paper. More hopefully tomorrow.
Last weekend the family, Mr.3 and I all went down to Moab, which wasn't hellish at all but a lot of fun, even if my calf muscles were cramped for the next two days and I waddled around like an old person who had soiled their diapers....
Monday and Tuesday can be lumped together, beginning of the last week of classes, and the start of something seriously wrong with scheduling. The bug asked me how easy it was to schedule things (classes) and actually it is very easy, I send an email to the scheduling department and boom, class created. However you can't just schedule a class without some backup information. This summer there was to be a colloquial Arabic intensive course to be offered, however the individual teaching the course got a better summer job, and while the departments were able to get a replacement, the replacement can not teach graduate students. This put out a lot of graduate students. So the bug "apparently" asked one of the senior Arabic professors if he would be willing to offer an independent study course for a couple of the advanced Arabic students...this was approved (or so she told me) and I scheduled it. Next, Tuesday morning, she comes to me and sets up 2 directed reading courses for an undergrad, a total of 6 credit hours, and in the process she mentions that she will change his record so that it counts for a year of Arabic...at this point I am beginning to worry that she is just allowing students buy credits, but she says that it is approved by the professor, so I am ok as I can be. Later that day she calls me on the intercom stating that a student needs thesis hours and we have to set them up right now, with the same professor that she has been scheduling everything else with. At this point I ask her if she has asked the professor, at which point she remarks that the professor doesn't need to know. Wait a sec....he does, even though she insists that thesis's don't get a grade until they are finished, that professor still needs to give the "T" to that student...so I tell her that I will not schedule anything else for her until she really talks to the said professor. Tuesday evening I worried about it and determined that I needed to talk to Kate about the situation.
Wednesday was also the year end awards party for the center...it was crazy in the morning and I had planned on talking to Kate later, however due to a specific event with the bug I couldn't, for fear of crying unnessacarily. There is a paper contest within the department that I entered, I entered it last year as well, and while my position makes the awards for the language awards, I had never had to make any sort of awards for the paper contest. Well, at the last minute the bug decides that we do need to have awards for the contest and that I should make them. Not only didn't I win, but to add salt to the wounds, I had to make the awards. And yes, I know that is small of me to be upset that I didn't win, but she did take delight in making me make the awards..so I was upset about that and instead of talking to Kate about the scheduling problem I wrote her a long email about it.
Thursday: The email proved to be a good thing because it was something that she could take to our boss, and we are going to make a standardized policy about scheduling. I also told her about the bug insensitivites, something that will never change.
So in my position I get to handle all the people who come into the center, all the students, faculty and resident crazies that visit from time to time. The rest of the center is extremely limited in its exposure to the public and I see myself as the primary "customer service representative" of the center. So a little later in the morning, while I was being tortured by some story the bug was telling me, I was happily interrupted by a student coming in to ask questions about the program. The kid introduces himself, has just graduated from BYU and is interested in ancient middle eastern history. I tell him that the bug (standing right there) was the person to talk to about the program, but also that I know from my own experience in the history department (where I got my BA in History with an Ancient Middle East emphasis)that there is not an established program only an emphasis, and then I tell him that the bug will have much more information about the Middle East program for him. She then takes him away. After she is done with him she comes back into my office and accuses me of "advising" him. I tell her that I offered him as much information as I would have offered anyone else, regardless of whether or not she is in the room, and that I was telling him what the HISTORY department does from my own knowledge, she then says that she should be the one to direct him to the history department. Fuck that, and besides she didn't know about the Ancient Middle East Emphasis anyway. But she can't leave it at that, she then accuses me of making her miss deadlines for vital paperwork by scheduling meetings for grad students. These meetings I scheduled were in the capacity of scheduling meetings for our director and scheduling department space...both my jobs, and nothing to do with babysitting her in her job. Apparently the students aren't letting her know when they are having meetings and that is somehow my fault. She actually told me that I do not schedule those meetings, but have to come to her first and that she makes sure that they are done...whoa honey...I don't think so.. She has recently been making students reschedule their oral comps (which are hard enough to get all of the professors schedules to match up as it is) so that she can be there...Which is something that shouldn't be done, it is the students responsiblity to make sure that all of their paperwork is signed, she facilitates that but is not responsible for it. But according to her, I should be responsible if it doesn't happen and that I should coordinate all of my scheduling with her first...she said "I need a secretary here in this office to ensure that my paperwork gets done correctly." And of course after she is done with the inital chew out, she continues to lecture on and on and on. The entire time I keep saying "fine", "fine", "FINE" hoping that she will take the hint and leave before I become overcome with rage and beat her forehead into tabletop. She wound the lecture down with the statement "the problem is that you are just too darn efficient". Is that a problem for anyone but her? It just makes her look bad, but it isn't a problem by any stance.
After she finally left I was holding back tears of rage. I decided that the best thing to do was to write her an email letting her know how things really are. Basically that one, I didn't advise anyone and she knows that, two, I will continue to schedule as my job befits but I will under no circumstances be held accountable for her messing up, and 3 that I am in no way her secretary or subservient, but rather we are equal on the office hierarchy and I resent her condesending attitude and lack of respect for me. I wasn't angry in the letter but straightforward. My mom and Mr.3 said that it was a very proffessional letter, even Kate agreed, as I sent a copy to her before I sent it to the bug.
Once the emails were sent I went to lunch, I thought that I was calmed down but I wasn't, which became apparent when I talked to Kate afterwards and started to cry again. Kate understood and let me go home paid for the rest of the day.
Friday: I worried for most of the night before of the office terror I was causing, but I was reassured by Kate that I had done the right thing and she could tell that it was all coming to a head soon anyway. I assume that "I" was ok with the situation as well, he- a little out of boss character but in line with the fatherfigure characther- gave me a hug before he left for the day. I have a meeting with him and Kate on Monday afternoon and the bug has one on the next wednesday. But that was not what was bad about Friday...Roberta told me that she had accepted a new job at another university, and as she is the only Turkish professor on staff, it basically means that my MA program is all shot to hell.
So there has been a lot of introspection on what I am going to do with my MA program this weekend, introspection and a break-down of sorts that resulted in balling and wailing that should have discouraged Mr.3 but surprisingly didn't....which leads me to the short but good list of things of what went alright/great with this week...
1. Mr.3 still manages to love me even after seeing be completely break down for stupid reasons.
2. I had my Linguistics final and that class is over.
3. I made cookies with Libby today.
4. Saw the Hitchhiker's guide to the galaxy on Friday evening.
5. Got to feed baby geese as well today.
6. And gave the turtles a bath...
Well now that I have written a novel for you I am going to go back to what I was doing before: trying to figure out how I can get Douglas Adams quotes into my Kabbalah paper. More hopefully tomorrow.
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