18th Birthday Party

Jimmy's friend Rose turned 18 yesterday and I was invited to come to her birthday dinner at the Hard Rock Cafe. When I got there I discovered that I was the oldest person there...by almost 10 years. I can't decide if this just made me old, or gives me enormous coolness points. I'm hoping for coolness points. I did get the looks of awe (or envy) from the table when I handed my ID to the waiter for my alcoholic beverage.

It was a good decision that I wore black, as most of the kids there did as well...and let me tell you, the eyeliner was not needed by any one of those kids there...because they weren't fooling anyone. It was really strange being at a table of kids where they are so desperate to prove that they are different from everyone else, that they end up being so alike in their teenage angst.

I sat next to this girl who came in, said hi to everyone, and then sulked in her seat most of the night. I started talking with her when I heard her muttering about how no one was talking to her. She was text messaging the whole time, I didn't think that it was right to disturb her. Throughout the night I heard about how her mom decided that it was ok for her to dye her hair anyway she wants (which I don't think she will do now), about her drama with her former girlfriend and her former boyfriend, her body weight, how she doesn't get buzzed when she drinks alcohol, how the girl next to her pissed her off, and how she was out of her "comfort zone" at the dinner and that was why she wasn't more outgoing. (Yes, I realized that was all in one sentence.) She came to the dinner without any money, so she didn't order anything. I offered to buy her dinner but she refused...citing that she doesn't eat very much anyway and that when she does it hurts her stomach. I made sure to order extra food though as she had no problems with eating french fries if they were on my plate or drinking water if the glass was in front of me. She was a sweet kid, but by the end of the meeting I just wanted to shake her and tell her that her life would be so much better if she just stopped sleeping around, that she should eat on a regular basis, and that no matter how well she thinks that she can handle alcohol...she is a DUI waiting to happen.

But she seemed to be the arch-type of all of those at the table. One girl, who was cute in that mascot kind of way, was a thirteen year old in the accelerated learning program. She is smart, outgoing, and already a 32D (she proudly announced that at the table). I think that she did manage to get the waiter's phone number, even though she refused to tell him her real age. I remember being that boy crazy and wanting more (she lamented alot about how she was still a virgin). I just hope that she lets reason rule her head or she could be heading for trouble too. And just wait until her father realizes that she has his credit card, security code, and social security number memorized...or at least until he get the next credit card bill.

It was funny....Jimmy had mentioned that he also felt that the others were making too big of deals about all of the social crap that goes on in high school. He couldn't believe that just a few months ago, his life had that same urgency. Everyday he surprises me with the new levels of maturity that he reaches.

To all of those kids at the table last night...take it easy...high school was nothing compared to what your twenties and thirties are going to be. You'll look back on this time and think that you were just as ridiculous as I saw you. You're life is not going to end, it is just beginning.

And to the waiter last night, thank you for bringing me that second drink.

Nothing Beats Freezing Your Buns Off

Jimmy and I made it back home safely and now I am back to working a bunch of hours to make up for the wonderful days that I just took off.

Of course, last night was funny because I was getting an unusual amount of english language web sites, and alot of spanish porn to review. Nothing beats the scat pizza site however...although the granny whores site was up there. Yuck. I think that I am scarred for life...as well as Jimmy who was having fun looking over my shoulder as I worked.

As the night was getting later and later, I noticed that our house was cold, but honestly, it is always cold. This is because our handyman says that everything works ok even though only 2 out of my 4 radiators work in the house. At 11:30 last night I took a super hot shower to warm up, which is good, because our heat never came on last night. It is about 60 degrees in the house right now, and I am waiting for our handyman to come in and fix it. I really hope that he doesn't decide to go to church first.

At least we still have hot water.

Logically sound? Maybe.

Trying to think in this present situation is quite difficult. There is absolutely no way I am going to be able to work right now, so I think that I have just given up for today.

No luck in contacting Mr.3 today, as if that is surprising. I did end up calling the phone number that he called from yesterday, went straight to an anonymous answering machine. Which meant that I left a "crazy wife" message: "Hello, this may sound odd but my husband called from this number yesterday and I am trying to find him. His name is _blank_ but also uses _blank_. If you have any information about him please call me back at _blank_, my name is Debbie." I also did the "not-trying-to-be-obsessive-but-hoping-for-a-lead" crazy google search on his name. Found someone with his old name, in his old field, with a similar educational background working in South Carolina somewhere since Jan. 2007. Yeah, that didn't help situations any further.

Logically, not much has changed. The timeline for the divorce by desertion still continues. As he has contacted me, I can't fill out a missing persons report for a few days anyway. And while the latest lie is particularly awful...it is just another one to add to the ever-mounting list.

The "why" question still plagues me. My mom is starting to blame herself for him calling me yesterday because she sent him an email imploring him to call me. I keep trying to tell her that it is Mr.3's fault, and only Mr.3's fault for lying to me so. Hopefully she will take that to heart.

I have also gone back to theorizing what is REALLY happening. Several scenarios have come to the surface, each highly plausible. One, that he has started over again somewhere else and just delights in being a jackass and telling lies so that he never has to end anything like a normal person. Two, is that he checked himself into the VA in Washington and that he really has been released but messed up in his story explanations. This scenario has him currently on a bus coming across the US in an attempt at getting back to Utah before Jimmy and I planned on it. This also places his story as he never was on a train back to Utah at the end of February. This explains the lack of visitation or contact with the doctor's, and his failing to call me from the hospital. Oh, and for those of you going "but wait? didn't he call yesterday from a Utah area code", that is answered just as simply. Mr.3 has a history of buying the quick pay as you go cell phones, the call could have easily been from one of them. Funnyingly enough, the least plausible explanation is that he was in some treatment center in Utah.

I simply hate the fact that I have to come up with these situations. Last year when this happened, it was I who suggested that he was getting help somewhere...and only after I had "figured it out" did he admit to me that it was true and did I get some verification of his story. This also leads me back to the "why", why the hell is this needed? Why can't he just tell me what is really going on? That is much easier. Even though it sucked ass to learn about his former identity...and that day of finding out still survives as the worst day of my life...the next day, it was so much nicer, so many questions had been answered...I could breathe easier the next day.

While this has been hard on me, this latest development is hardest on my family. I see the looks on my family's faces every time that they look at me. I don't really communicate with them verbally on this issue anymore, I just forward on the letters that I write to Mr.3 or they read my blog like everyone else. I know that all of them want to just make the pain go away, to protect me. But I can't help them with this. I can't make them feel better in this regard. Bad things happen to good people and this is just another example.

Now, that I think about it, is what Mr.3 has done this time, any worse than him telling me that he was in fact in Denver and that he was walking over to meet me? I waited in a supermarket parking lot for 8 hours that time. Is this situation any different? Well...there is a part of it that is, I don't understand what the impetus to tell me that he was released was. With the parking lot thing he panicked and just told me anything....and it was immediate then because I was in Denver actively searching for him. This time there was no immediacy that demanded he tell me something hopeful...so even I can't reason this away.

In any case, it is obvious that my husband is still very very sick. Because only someone who is sick in the head would try to destroy everything that is good around him. Please pity him, not me. Don't pity me because I love someone who is self-destructive. Don't pity me because I married someone and am trying to honor my vows to him in every way. Don't pity me....but please, stay and support me...yell at me...love me...hold me....read, comment, whatever...but please, don't pity me. Yes, I am being hurt, and yes, I am still open to being hurt by Mr.3. But remember that I have stood my ground. I have a time line I am trying to follow and I will not waver in my willingness to work this out with him...he just has to be willing as well.

So let's end this post this way. In the scenario where Mr.3 is on a bus somewhere trying to beat Jimmy and I coming home, this would place Mr.3 on a Greyhound bus somewhere in Missouri. He would be on this bus for almost three days before he arrives in Salt Lake at 9:30 in the evening tomorrow. The bus is going to be hot and cramped with sweaty, smelly, and holiday-travel-angry people....the bus will invariably break down somewhere, someone will be sick and the smell will linger for hours after they got off the bus...the ride will be uncomfortable in every sense of the word...a travel nightmare. And while I can't guarantee that he is feeling guilty on this ride or if he is feeling smug about having "pulled one over on me", I can be sure that he is hating and regretting life while he is accumulating the greyhound travel scruz all over him.

And just for that, I can enjoy being smug a little.

New Depths of Cruelty?

Christmas morning, in the middle of unwrapping gifts, I get a phone call. It was a Utah number that I didn't recognize. I answer and it was Mr.3. As soon as I heard his voice I ran out of the room to cry and talk to him in another room.

As I completely blubbered on the phone, he told me that they had released him that morning. He had paperwork and letters from the doctors. He was going to get a ride home from one of the other guys that he was with. He said that he would call me again at lunch time and at dinner time. I said that he should call me from the house phone. All-in-all it was a seven minute phone call that left me unsure of how to feel.

Before lunch I had decided that I wouldn't just drop everything and come home early. This vacation is not my vacation alone, but Jimmy's and my parent's opportunity to see us. I was willing to try to come home one day early, but I needed to verify that Mr.3 was actually home, first. And really...I need some time. I can't go back to the way that we were. And I was/am worried about how I am going to react to seeing him.

So what started out as possibly being a great holiday turned into a horrible one. He never called me back. I called the house all day, I called his cell phone all day. I did not call the number he called me from yesterday. He said it was a cell phone number of one of the guy's wife's that he was in the program with. I also didn't call the number because I don't want to be the crazy wife trying to track down her husband again...and honestly...I shouldn't have to.

I sent him a particularly angry email last night, left messages, checked messages...and so far, nothing from him. I may or may not call the cell phone that he called from yesterday, I haven't decided yet.

But why? Why is the question that I am left with. Why lie to me about something as monumental as him being released? Who in their right fucking mind, tells someone that they supposedly love, who has been waiting for them for 10 months, that they have been released and then not call them back? Is this some sort of sick Christmas gift, I'm gonna tell her what she wants to hear? How does he know that that was something I wanted? Because honestly, the only thing that I wanted from him, was just to hear his voice. And I got that...and then I got that little extra. That extra which now, the morning after, doesn't feel like a good gift, but that I have been tainted by someone/something downright evil.

I hope that I am wrong. I sincerely hope that my husband is not as evil as that, but I just don't know anymore.

In Arizona, Without My Husband

My brother and I have safely made it down to Holbrook to celebrate Christmas with my parents. We were all hoping to have Mr.3 with us, but as I haven't heard anything from him since last Tuesday...he obviously wasn't able to come with us.

I guess that in theory, I can file a missing persons report on him now...but I am reluctant to do that, and I can't quite explain in words why.

I am also really hurt by this situation. All last week and this he was telling me that he would be home, he would be home, and well...he isn't. And in the spirit of transparency in which I live my life, I am going to post the last two emails that I wrote to him. You can decide if I was too bitchy or not enough. My goal...and we will see how long this really lasts...is that I won't send him another message until he contacts me.

Here are the emails, followed by commentary afterwards:

Email one:

We leave tomorrow early. While I am sad that I will not be able to spend Christmas with you, I had a feeling that it would end up like this. I wanted to believe that you would really fight to get home for Christmas, but you don't seem to be even fighting for a phone call. I don't feel like you have been fighting at all. And it makes me feel like a fool for all the fighting for you that I have done.

I'll leave your gifts under the tree. There is food in the fridge if you happen to come home. If you are sent home and you don't have keys anymore, you can call Libby to let you in. Her cell number is XXX-XXX-XXXX. You won't get a warm reception from her, but she will let you into a warm house.

If you are still in where ever you are at Christmas time, can you at least manage a phone call? That really isn't too much to ask.

I hope to be on the road by 8am, however, I will try to check my email before we leave. I, of course, will have internet access and you can always access me on my cell. We will be driving back on the Friday the 28th.

I love you, and have a happy Christmas,

Email two:

I don't know what to think anymore. I was hoping to get a message from you this morning and nothing. I am full of so many emotions today..anger and rage and absolute heart break and dejection.
I know that the last thing you want to be is divorced and homeless....but your actions dictate your circumstances. If you really want the life with me that you say that you do, you need to fight for it. I have told you time and time again of my position....of how things stand with me. The not knowing, the doubt. And you would think, that in order to save the marriage "that you so care about" that you could manage to pull off the little things that would keep it going....like getting verification to your wife of where you are.
You haven't managed that. You haven't even managed a phone call. But you tell me that you give your phone time to other guys in need... who are facing divorce. While I commend your selfish altruism....your marriage is ending. And you are too fucking stuck in your own head to care or do anything about it.
I'm done fighting this fight. I'm done being the only one who cares about our future together. I'm done.
If you really want me. If you really want a life with me, then YOU need to work on it. And if you don't want those things, then you need to find the balls to be honest with me and tell me. Because no matter what you want for me, for our future, you are going about it in the most dishonorable way possible.
You don't treat the ones you love this way.
merry christmas
d

Let me be honest here, the absolute last thing that I want in the world is to divorce Mr.3. We see how bad of a wreck I am when I have to admit that I failed to do a project at work....just imagine the horror that would be me if I had to admit that I failed in my marriage as well. I want to work things out with him, I really do...but I can't work things out with a brick wall. I also don't want to throw the threat of divorce around like it was some sort of game playing card. First of all, my marriage isn't a game, and second, I don't play games very well. I have nightmares, which have been more and more frequent lately, that I used the threat of divorce against Mr.3 and that he signed divorce papers just to spite me, to call the bluff. And I am devastated in each dream that this happens with...because I still don't see him...just his signature. I can't even get closure in my dreams, let alone real life.

Even though I hate the thought of divorce, it is still an option if he doesn't come back after being gone for a year. Divorce would be a means of protecting myself. Protecting myself from his creditors and from his student loans that I am liable for but shouldn't be. I shouldn't have to protect myself from a husband that I so desperately want to be with.

And I want to be with him so bad that it hurts. I have felt for months now that I am not whole. So I try to fill up that gap with work and volunteering, and whatever activity I can get my hands on. I try to cover up the pain, the loss. Nothing works. I still acutely feel the loss of him, the desire to hear his voice, to feel the weight of his body on the other side of the bed, his hand in mine...

Finally Cracking?

I might have cracked today. Tomorrow, Jimmy and I head to Holbrook for Christmas and I have been doing my best to get everything ready. Work has been hard this week because for some reason, when I think that I will be gone for almost two weeks on vacation, I think that I have to get two weeks of work done ahead of time. I had two major projects that I had to do and I finished one of them. The other I ended up sending a message to my boss telling her that I had failed her in not getting it done. What I didn't tell her was that I had an anxiety attack and cried in the office over it as well.

Libby got me out of the office for a while...she tried to calm me down, but I was in a right state. We went to go and pick up the rental car today, which was a fiasco. They gave us the wrong size car, so we had to call customer service and go back to the dealer to get the correct size one. The owner was being difficult and I almost punched him when he asked me if I had refilled the tank (because apparently you can burn through a whole tank of gas in twenty minutes or so). Jimmy wisely stepped in-between the two of us...and sort of took over...cause I was ready to kill. According to Jimmy, my Dad and I have similar tempers. Who knew?

After the car issue, Jimmy went with me back to work so that I could finish a couple of things before I leave. I feel a bit better about thing now, but I was throughly unhinged earlier.

Jimmy and I are both excited about going down to Arizona. While I am sad that Mr.3 will not be with us, I am not surprised, hurt, but not surprised.

The Bird Flu and Tickle Me Emo

Got stuck on youtube and found this one.... oh...dear...god
I know that I shouldn't laugh, but it feels so good.



And also because it is so wrong...



If life is so fair then why do roses have thorns....I hurt myself to feel, why!!!
Brilliant.

Driving Ms. Kriddle

Jimmy and I have been attempting the whole Christmas shopping thing. And can I just say....I hate parking lots, and other driver's in them....oh and the line at the post office.

Anyway, it has been enough to make me into Ms. Kriddle:

A Picture for You

Nine PM on a Tuesday night.
My brother and I both doing our own renditions of the Beatles "Why Don't We Do It In The Road" at the top of our voices.

Our neighbors must love us so.

Scheduling Workaholism

I sometimes wonder if I could schedule my workaholism in a better way. I am constantly trying to make my hectic schedule be more uniform, but it doesn't work as it should. For example...I didn't work as much on job 3 last week as I should have and now in order to make up for it I have to work more this week. Which isn't too bad...but it is sorta hard to fit in five hours of work in the afternoon and make sure that I get to bed at a decent hour.

I did do something good for my health yesterday though...I signed up at the local community center for a month's membership. So I can go and work out, take water aerobics, that sort of thing. I liked the atmosphere there alot. But now...I have to schedule that in as well.

It never ends.

The Nature of Holiday Parties

It's that time of year again...Holiday parties.
I admit that the biggest draw of most holiday parties is the free food, however sometimes, the parties are so horrible that the free food is not a draw at all. This is the case with most of the parties at the University..and it may be that the parties aren't that bad but more to the fact that I can't stand it when people dress themselves up as Christmas trees and drape themselves in bells. And that Christmas-Dress sickness is a pandemic in many offices, including mine. Maybe it is the fact that we don't put up Christmas trees (we are the Middle East Center after all), that certain co-workers feel like dressing "festively".

I am going to go to the Job 3 Christmas party because I am curious to see what a Christmas party with computer geeks would be like. Plus, they are holding it at a nice hotel downtown, so the food must definitely be good.

Anyway, this year I managed to avoid the University Christmas Party but still reaped the benefits of the free food. My tip (and secret to my success): Offer to answer the office phones so that everyone else can go to the party and enjoy themselves. It worked marvolously and I am currently eating two heaping plate-fulls of food brought to me by grateful co-workers. Yum...

Brilliant! Must Watch! Over and Over Again!

Religious Help Via Chat

Ok, I was researching something on Eid Al-Adha today and came across this website, which details all that one needs to know to convent to Islam. This process is called taking the Shahada and well....let me just cut and paste here what the website said:

To convert to Islam and become a Muslim a person needs to pronounce the below testimony with conviction and understanding its meaning:

I testify “La ilah illa Allah, Muhammad rasoolu Allah.”

The translation of which is:

“I testify that there is no true god (deity) but God (Allah), and that Muhammad is a Messenger (Prophet) of God.”

To hear it click here or click on “Live Help” above for assistance by chat.

When someone pronounces the testimony with conviction, then he/she has become a Muslim. It can be done alone, but it is much better to be done with an adviser through the “Live Help” at top, so we may help you in pronouncing it right and to provide you with important resources for new Muslims.

Did you catch that? Yes, if you need help converting to Islam, you can get help via live chat. It is me, or does that seem to de-spiritualize the experience?

Proving to my brother than I am better than the average roommate

I saved Jimmy's ass today. Mr. "Perfers-To-Go-To-Bed-at-3am", got a job, that he loves, at Petsmart for the "dear-god-its-5-in-the-morning" shift. In order to make the first train of the morning and get to work at 6:30am he has to be up at 5 am.

I know that he thinks that it is weird that I make him write his schedule on the kitchen calendar....but it is helpful. Especially on mornings like today when I know that he was supposed to go to work. My alarm goes off at 6am, which I proceed to hit the snooze on until 6:45. I am also a light sleeper, so I normally hear my brother when he gets up. But this morning I had no memory of it. So contrary to my own body's desire to stay warm and in bed, I got up, just to check to see if he was up.

I turned on the bathroom light and opened Jimmy's door that lead to the bathroom. He was still in bed.
I didn't say a word. He looked groggily at me and was starting to complain about my presence there when he shot straight up in bed, looked at the clock and said "Fuck!" rather loudly.

I would just like to point out that your average roommate would not have checked to see if you had left for work....and your average roommate wouldn't have thrown on some pants and flip flops to drive you to your job at 6 am on a cold winter's morning.

Further proof that I rule.

Graphic Mania!!

Ok, the title is much cooler than what this is going to be about. Anyway..... I decided today that it was high time that I started reading more graphic novels. Seeing that the four I have are all from the same author (Persepolis 1 & 2 - is coming out in a movie, I'm so excited) As I was at the City Library today tutoring a family friend through her first research paper, I thought that it would be a good time to check out a small collection of them.

As I felt a little silly asking friends about where I should start, I got a few that have been made into movies to start out with: V for Vendetta, 28 Days Later, Sin City....and I was a bit bummed that I couldn't find 30 Days of Night, even though the library said that they had it. I was hoping to find out if there was another reason that the vampires were such messy eaters.

So I got those and then I grabbed some random ones off the shelf...a couple spy ones, one about a bear and a psycho cat, and I read one about a robot and monkey while I was there. I stayed away from the Anime though.

If anyone has some recommendations, let me know.

Also, have you noticed? Have you noticed?! I am feeling better. I have been trying to get back into those things that I really enjoy: reading, writing, and just being passionate about those other things in life that I used to be. In my quest for it to be all about me (did I write about that? can't remember, I'll have to check), I have been little bit by little bit rediscovering me.

I Forgot to Tell You the Poo Story

One of the hazards of Job 3 is that you can come across some "objectionable" websites. Such as the other day where I came "the Poo Button".

On the main page there was a seemingly harmless button that said push...and I did. I little fart noise sounded. Then it flashed to push it again, because as the site said "You know you want to". So I did. An even more noisy and wet fart noise ensued. Then the computer egged me on to press the button again, and being no stranger to the fun of bathroom humor I did.

OH. DEAR. GOD.

I was then taken to a video clip of a man standing above a naked woman....pooing. While I admit that I was impressed with the steady stream and endless supply of said poo, I was horrified at the look of ecstasy on this woman's face as she rubbed the feces all over her body and into some areas that definitely aren't a hygienic area for poo (if there is such a thing).

So beware....sometime work and the internet can be a frightening place.

Day Off/Election Edition

So I have been a bit frustrated that the last two days I haven't been able to log on and work Job 3...and while having 2 days off can be nice, it was not what I was planning on. I have managed to catch up on some things, namely the presidential election candidates. Here is my analysis of the frontrunners:

Republican:

Guiliani- swarmy to begin with, pro-life but way too anti-gay marriage to even consider.
Romney- Too mormon for me to even being to research.
Huckabee- While I do think that getting Chuck Norris to support him is cool, the fact that he is going to actively push for an amendment to reverse Roe vs. Wade is not.
McCain- my Republican pick. Wants abortion to be a state's decision....which I am ok with as a pro-choicer. And he has an excellent, absolutely excellent Veteran's program.

Democrat:

Kucinich- is it wrong for me to want my president to enjoy dairy products? And have a firm stance on something other than that the Iraq war was bad?
Edwards- Lovely hair, but I don't think that I can forgive him for the low-blow badgering that he did to Cheney on his daughter being gay. It was unfair and counterproductive...and I don't need that in a president.
Hilary- I know that everyone wants her to be her husband, but we need to realize that she is not. I don't like the idea of universal health care...we need something a bit more moderate. And her stance on veterans----horrible. She wants to ramp up a program to teach returning vets to be construction workers...like all she believes that military people are fit for is to be ditch diggers.
Obama- My democratic choice. A reasonable health care plan, excellent views on Veteran's issues and the middle class. And he has an excellent adviser, Philip Gordon, who after I had read his book and then was told that he was advising the Obama campaign, made me sit up and pay attention.

So there is my run-down....Obama first, then McCain. I guess that now I need to wait for the primaries to finish up...and then I can make my choices officially.

Perks of the Job

So at the Center I do our podcasts.... this also leaves me the opportunity to get interviews with anyone that we have to speak. While I want to do the interviews, it doesn't mean that I don't panic about sounding stupid during the interviews....so I research a lot, and end up running to the bathroom too often for comfort.

Today we had our first speaker in our new lecture series, Philip Gordon, who spoke about his book Winning the Right War. The interview was a first for me in the fact that I felt relaxed during the interview. He was also a master at the sound bite and the interview was much shorter than my normal interviews and I had to ad-lib some questions in order to fill the time. Hopefully, once I finish with the episode the interview will still be good.

In any case, I highly recommend the book. He had some incredibly sound policy recommendations...and maybe when I am not so tired I will write a more complete review of it.

Confession

I listened to Dr. Laura on the radio yesterday just so that I could be angry at someone I didn't know.

It was quite effective therapy.

I swear I can not do anything right

So the family is concerned that I am having a mental breakdown...wow...that is nothing new. I have been slowing breaking down for months and months and months. Is it just now that I can not hold back the emotion from showing on my face. So....all of a sudden it is a big deal. All of a sudden Jimmy decides that he can not handle watching this happen and is going to move out as soon as he can. It is too painful for him.

Big fucking deal.

Him wanting to move out because he feels it is time, or that he wants his own space, is one thing. but him wanting to move out because I am depressed and showing it is another. To use that as the reason for moving out is a big slap in the face. You have problems....and while I love you, I just don't want to see them. Like I could have gotten away with that excuse when he had problems or when my mom was so bad when I was younger. No, I stuck it out....

I guess that is the difference between him and me. I have always been the one who had to stay, who had the responsibility to keep everyone together. I carry everyone`s burdens around for them. But no one can witness my pain....it is too much. Me showing any sort of weakness, showing any sort of human emotion is too much for those around me. They have to leave. Or in Mr. 3`s case.....he just ignores me for a couple of days and hopes that I am not being as emotional the next time that he bothers to contact me.

Well, fuck you all.

It isn't like I haven't been telling you that this is happening. I guess everyone just dismissed it for me being overly dramatic....because I can handle anything, right? I have been asking for help and support....but I really don't need it, right? I can obviously handle anything.

So fine. I am just going to pour my heart our here....pour it all out for you to see. Make you watch my suffering. And then, you can just close your eyes to it....shrug me off. She is just being overly emotional, overly dramatic. She can handle anything. Just let her type until she runs off the steam.

no wonder

Letter to my husband

I can't hold on anymore. I am so tired of being miserable.
I went to a baby shower today. And I sort of sat in a lump the whole time. Someone was passing a baby around and I didn't even try to get an opportunity to hold it. When in the past, I would have been socializing with everyone, I would have pushing to be able to hold and play with the baby. But I didn't. I felt like a pretender. A married woman with a ghost of a husband, a ghost of a life. I listened to everyone talk about the trivial little fights that they had with their husbands, and them complain at how things get so boring sometimes...and I feel so alien among them. It is so wrong to be jealous of that triviality? To want the mundane, even if it means that I live a boring existence...just as long as I am not alone in that boring existence?

I did so well, for so long, hiding the pain. I just can't anymore, it bleeds through....like sweat making makeup run.

And now, people just assume that I am being over emotional. You do it. You tell me that all you want is your best friend back. But your best friend never left, she is still where you left her. Dealing with that abandonment on a daily basis....struggling between hating you for leaving me, and between wanting you so badly. Wanting you here so that I could feel complete. I try to confide in you, try to tell you what I am feeling. But you shrug it off, shrug me off.

It seems that Jimmy now feels that it is ok to treat me disrespectfully as well. I guess that is because I let you. He doesn't pick up after himself. He sweeps stuff out of his room and leaves it and the broom out in the other room for me to handle. He dyes his hair and leaves permanent pink stains all over the bathroom and the rug....leaves a giant white bleach stain on the cream rug. I tell him these things that he is doing. I show them to him. And all he does is just shrug, look at it, and walk away. He doesn't apologize. Doesn't clean it up. He only acknowledges that it exists and leaves it for me to clean up.

Where I felt that I was being taken advantage of by one man, now it is two. However, if I tell either of you about it, if I voice legitimate concerns, I'm just shrugged off....I'm just being overly emotional.

Here's the crazy thing. You know me! You know what I am like, and you know that this is NOT like me. This is not my true self....but a self that is reacting in a perfectly natural way to a horrible situation. Just like your PTSD symptoms are a natural reaction to the horrific events that have happened to you.

I don't want to go to a shrink. I don't want to have to go to a stranger and tell them my life story just so that they can pat me on the head and tell me that it will get better. I don't want to go to another person who is just going to shrug me off as well as soon as that hour is up. I don't want to be put on medication. I'm in a stupor as it is, it makes no difference in the grand scheme of things if I am in a stupor but with a smile on my face. A fake smile. Painted on.

I should be working right now....but I'm so tired. Tired of having to do everything on my own. Tired of looking into a future without you...a future where I would have to be doing everything on my own. Or worse yet, the thought of a future with you, but a future where I am still doing everything on my own. The thought of that is a prison sentence. I am in prison.

I'm in prison and I am guilty of no crime.

I didn't do anything to deserve this. I've always gone through life with the notion that if I was a good person and was good to other people that I would have a good life. This is not a good life. This is hell.

There has to be a way out of this. There has to be some reprieve. If you are where you say you are, they have to tell you when you can leave. They have to allow you visitors. This is a violation of their oath= to do no harm. Because all this is now harm. It is leaving unnecessary scars...wounds that just fester and won't ever heal.

I can't be happy or positive anymore, it's gone. My reserve has dried up. You didn't come home for Thanksgiving....I haven't heard your voice in weeks. And I know that you won't come home for Christmas or the New Year or our next Anniversary and I that I am just going to turn into this wreck of a hysteric woman whose husband deserted her and couldn't let her go.

I need to be free of this.

And I know that you will read this, and frown....and then shrug it off. I'm going to post this on my blog...so that others can read this, and shrug it off too. I'm just going to keep pounding my head against the wall until the wall crumbles or my head caves in. I'm going to do these things, because I am beyond the point where I have the power to do anything constructive about it. I'm beyond hope. I keep reaching for you to save me, and you're not there....

I love you.
d

Thanksgiving Vampire Racoons

It's 4 in the morning, I can't sleep, and I am lying in wait to see if I can catch my husband online. Which sounds just as crazy as it is.

Today will be the first Thanksgiving meal that I have ever made....and it will most likely be just for Jimmy and I....unless a miracle happens and Mr.3 comes home. But let's be honest shall we? It won't. It won't happen because I want it to happen, it won't happen because it might bring me up a bit. Even with the good karma points that I have been racking up continually lately...I think that all of those points just get sucked away when it comes to something good happening with Mr.3.

Back to the turkey....I am going to attempt to cook the turkey in a slow cooker....this is due partly to having a reason to justify buying the slow cooker that I did the other day. That was Monday, and it was crazy. Due to office phone coverage I had to be in the office until 3, then it was off to Babies R Us for a baby shower gift. That place was complete sensory overload! Then of course, I decided that since I was down near the new World Market, which was also sensory overload. Then it was off to Costco, Williams and Sonoma, and then the regular grocery store in which I searched for 25 minutes in vain looking for toothpicks. It was four and a half hours of grocery errands, in which I because resentful of the mom-ish role I felt I was taking on.

I get home and Jimmy and his friend Rose want a ride home from a late-night movie. I figured that if I was going to be up to pick them up anyway that I might as well join them for the movie. It was 30 Days of Night, which I thought was pretty damn good. The vampires were NOT some romantic ideal, very animal like, and reproduced and fed like zombies...just being bitten meant that you could turn into one. There was just blood everywhere in the film, they were very messy eaters and I found myself quite annoyed at the way they wasted the food. Of course, it took an hour of winding down at home in order to cleanse the mind of the movie before bed. As to that, all I can say is that it was better that we had the run-in with the racoon in our back yard before we saw the movie...because all of us would have totally freaked out if it had happened afterwards.

Yesterday, all of my nervous energy got translated over into a 9 hour cleaning frenzy. Yes, nine hours. I re-did the back storage area, I cleaned out a glory hole that has been piling up in the dining room for over a year now, I finally put some wall decorations up over the oddly bare wall over the piano...I scoured the kitchen.... the house is definitely "visitor ready", but I haven't the nerve to invite anyone over for dinner today, although there will be plenty of food available. The house feels complete in some way.

Which is frustrating. The house feels complete, work is going great, I had a wonderful third job alternative (yes, I know, but it is a Global Voices thing) come up....I just have all of this great stuff happening around me and to me...but it isn't right yet, it isn't complete. I just want him to come home. Thanksgiving is our holiday, the anniversary of that first sweet time of the two of us falling in love. And the memory of it makes my heart ache.

in any case....Happy Thanksgiving everyone! If I destroy the turkey, I'll be sure to let you know!

Stock Tip

Invest in Kleenex Tissues! Invest I say! It will be worth it by the end of this sickness!

Land of the Living Mucus

Jimmy gave me some mucusy thing that he got while working out at the haunted house...and it mutated in my body. Ugh. I have actually taken sick time at work. and I never take sick time. I find that I can't relax anymore...I just don't know how...I mean, I was stumbling around like a drunkard the other day with this sickness, yet I was still attempting to wash the dishes.

My webMD coach wanted me to set aside 15 minutes a day where I did something like read or sew so that I could learn to relax again. It isn't working very well....although I must say that there is agreeable symmetry in the fact that I was suffering from the flu and reading a history book on the 1918 flu pandemic.... it still means that I am messed up in the head.

My Turtles Have a Crush on Tom Selleck

Apparently the turtles are adjusting to the move into the living room (and the new coconut litter bark) better than I thought. The angry looks stopped after a couple of days....I was expecting at least a week on animosity.

They can watch people on the street during the day and TV at night. Yes, I said TV. The other night I was watching the movie Quigley Down Under....about halfway through the movie I looked over at the turtles who were both turned facing the tv and watching with rapt attention. They stayed that way, did not stir, until the credits started to roll.

Apparently the turtles understand that credits are the end of something, who knew?

I have been watching them for the past few days to see if it is just the tv that they are watching or certain shows. And so far, if it is a quiet show they are not interested....but if there is a noticeable soundtrack- the music gets their attention. They have always liked music, they bob their heads in time to it. However, nothing yet has transfixed them as Quigley Down Under.

Ahhh.... the power of Tom Selleck..

Ahhh....Halloween

Tonight is a first, tonight is the first time since I have moved from home that I have had kids come to the door for trick or treating. I bought candy last week....which Jimmy and I have been eating this week rather than having regular food, so by tonight we only had one bowlful of candy left.....which I have already given out.

So.....I have now started giving out the old jolly ranchers and lemon heads left over from last Halloween...and the gum that Jimmy got when we had my grandfather's funeral. Teenagers think that you are pretty cool if you give them an entire thing of Hubba Bubba. After that, I'm breaking out the peanut butter crackers.

My first trick or treater was so cute!!! A little two year old boy dressed as a penguin. He didn't quite understand why I was giving him candy and he wanted to take each piece separately and put it into his bag.

I think that most of the kids are not from our neighborhood because I'm noticing alot of cars on the road patroling. That's ok though.....I'm having fun!

Only 30 kids so far and it is 9pm.

So here's to waiting and Ghost Hunters Live on SciFi!

The Final Countdown and Other Stories from the Longest Weekend in History

I have needed to recover from this weekend...it was that hard...and event filled.

Saturday-Day: Our October workshop. Early this week I had been having nightmares about forgetting something, but it all paid off in the long run. We had a few hiccups along the way, mostly me wanting to smack the museum's event coordination staff upside the head....although Doug from Cafe Med will probably be forever scarred from spilling 4 gallons of hummus in the back of his delivery van. The thought of the hummus dripping out the back door as the car goes down the freeway still makes me giggle. However even with the success of the workshop both Jimmy (who volunteered to help me) and I were beat.

Saturday-Evening: In keeping with our new "tradition" Jimmy, his friend Rose, and I all got dressed up to go see the Rocky Horror Picture show. Jimmy was trying to convince me to wear my garters...which looked fine, but I wasn't comfortable with that much bare skin and the cold that I knew we would face outside while waiting for the midnight show to start. So I ended up wearing a short black skirt with red fishnets and a negligee top....and my black sweater cause I ain't no fool....it's cold out there!

Driving Home Early Sunday Morning-2:30ish am. Pulling up to our driveway, Jimmy, Rose and I witnessed 5 or 6 guys chase out one guy from the tenement next door. The guy tripped and was on the ground. One guy got on his knees and repeatedly punched him in the head, while two others kicked him in the head and side. When they saw that we were pulling into our driveway they ran back into the apartment building...of course after they took the guy's wallet. Jimmy called 911 while I was parking the car and then we ran over to the building to help the kid. Jimmy's first aid training kicked in and I was so proud of him. He kept him stabilized and still until help came. My major accomplishment was getting a blanket to cover the kid, making Rose go inside and get more fully dressed, getting a coat for Jimmy, and pacing in front of the apartment building like a caged lion in case anyone else came out of the building.

We could hear the sirens for several minutes, but didn't see anyone. Just when we were considering calling 911 again a lone cop car pulled up. Basically, because the tenement gets police calls so often the police had to survey the scene to make sure that it was "safe enough" for the EMT's staged two blocks away to come and help. This infuriates me on many levels....first of all...weren't they concerned for OUR safety? What happens if I have an emergency at MY home? Are they going to delay help getting to me because of my neighbors? And then...let's mention the treatment of us by the police... Jimmy and Rose were treated like children and they were quite condensing to me until they realized I was 28 and apparently a responsible adult. The EMT's didn't listen to Jimmy at all...and made the kid sit up! Even when we had told him exactly how he had been beaten...and it was a brutal beating! In fact the EMT's were bitching about how the kid wasn't helping them. Geez....I'm sorry, he was just beaten within an inch of his life by 3 to 4 people. A beating that would have been much worse if we hadn't "interrupted" them, so to speak. The police didn't even go into the apartment building even though we had told them that all of the assailants had gone back inside. They weren't interested. Not that I think that either party in the beating were entirely innocent (I suspect that it was a drug deal gone wrong) but they did leave the guy for dead.

When the police left they reassured us that we had saved a man's life. Which we did. If we hadn't been there and seen the beating we wouldn't have seen the body as the streetlights are out on that side of the street. It was also very cold. With his injuries and the cold, he would have been dead if not discovered until morning. Many have asked if I fear retribution from the tenement assailants...I don't. We picked up their dirty business.

As it was, it was 4am until I got to bed.

Sunday Morning: My Last Day at Cactus and Tropicals. Besides having "It's a Long Way to Tipperary" in my head in the morning and Europe's "The Final Countdown" (I hate that song!) stuck in my head in the afternoon, my last day at Cactus was quite enjoyable. Boy, am I glad that it is over!

Sunday Evening: Jimmy's Anniversary Dinner. Jimmy took me out to the Spaghetti Factory to celebrate his one year anniversary of living with me in Salt Lake. After dinner we watched The Jungle Book and I went to bed at 10pm.

Monday: I wake up at 1pm and spent the rest of the day in a stupor. Which has pretty much continued throughout today. Thank god the weekend it over!

Afternoon Call

Got a call from Mr.3. He had read my blog, and I think that the contents scared him. That wasn't my intention when I wrote about my research on private investigators or divorce, in fact I didn't think that he would ever read it. Nor his doctors. I can only hope that something good will come of it.

It was good to talk to him....talking with him reminds me of why I love him, reminds me that I miss him...because all to often I try to shut that emotion away so that I can function on a day to day basis.

The contents of our talk will remain private for now. I can only offer hope...

Looking Back....

This month is a month of several anniversaries: my grandfather's death, Jimmy moving in with me, and learning the truth about Mr.3's identity. Rather than focusing on the weirdness that surrounds my husband...let's go over some of the things that I had overcome and worked through this past year.

1. Finding strength that I never knew I had. Even with all of what has happened to me and to my family this past year....I still have managed to keep my head straight and be a support to the rest of my family.

2. Patience and understanding. I'm not saying that I'm a saint....but I have learned alot about other people, how do deal with them, basic diplomacy, and have learned to hold my head up under immense strain.

3. Financial improvement. I have been through a bankruptcy this year....been to the absolute bottom depths...and I am making strides to come out of it. I am starting to save money each month. I am researching investing, looking into what I need to do in order to be able to afford a house of my own one day. And...the biggest victory of all....I'm making arrangements to pay on my student loans.

4. Health. Ok, so this is a smaller one....but I am back on my medication for sugar. I'm trying to learn how to relax...see even now...I should be working but I'm not, I'm writing. See....relaxing...sort of.

5. Job security and/or betterment. This year has been a great year for my career. My work at Outreach has been consistently noticed by the right people. Job 3 is going smashingly well, and I have great money making potential there.

6. And perhaps the best of all...my green thumb has clicked in and I have successfully learned how to care for plants and keep them alive.

Short list, but a good one I think.

Depressed Shopping

Yesterday I had the urge to go 'depressed shopping'. Now, in the past I have been depressed because I was flat broke and therefore couldn't go shopping when I wanted to. Yesterday was different. Yesterday, I had money to shop.

But where to shop? I think that I am built very much like my mom, because I felt guilty when I thought of going to shop for something just for me. So I went to Costco...as food is always acceptable to buy. The only food I bought was cookie dough. I also bought a new stereo player for my nano to use in the kitchen (the earphones hurt my ears most days)---a player which Jimmy is exceedingly jealous of. And then....I Christmas shopped. Not much mind you, just a couple of items...some stuff for Dad, some stuff for Mom, I gathered some ideas for Jimmy.

I paid, got in the car. And realized that I had no idea how much I had spent and had to find the receipt in my purse.

All in all, it was quite liberating. I bought something without feeling horrible when I paid for it, and I started on Christmas. Whoohoo!

Brilliant Marketing

Last week there was a career fair on campus, and of course we went to stock up on the office supplies.

I have been using a highlighter this morning that I got from the career fair.

It is neon green.

And it comes from Westinghouse Nuclear.

How brilliantly funny is that?

Franchise husband?

There is a comment on my last post which I feel that I need to address.

I am no fool.

The thought that Mr.3 has another life....or another wife... is not a new one. It never has been. But there are some things that I don't write about...or talk about.

There is a reason (besides my current monetary situation) that I have three jobs....that I try to keep myself mindlessly busy....because some thoughts are too horrible to focus on. I avoid dishes because I invariably think during that time. I prefer to wash dishes and clean my house in private because I cry when I do it.

Yes, you read right. I cry when I do household chores.

When I think about my situation, I am filled with despair, and anger, and shame. And all of these emotions, all are aimed at something that I don't understand, at something I cannot explain, at something that I am kept in the dark about.

I need my readers, and my family, to know...that I'm not stupid. That I do think about what the consequences of what some things are. I've looked into the cost of private investigators ($55 an hour is a little steep for my budget), I have looked at the divorce laws (he has to be gone for at least a year for me to file under willful desertion). Each day, every minute of each day, I live with this uncertainty- this feeling of abandonment, doubt, helplessness.....and also the self-hate for being an unfaithful wife for not whole-heartedly believing and supporting my husband.

I know that there are alot of people out there who love and care for me. And I listen to all of your theorizing....all of your talk that I "should just give up and divorce him" or your speculations that I'm some sort of "cover" that he created. I listen to how all of you tell me that I am being used. It is fun to speculate isn't it, its fun to throw out suggestions like what a bad person he is... but every single word cuts me to the bone. I'm wounded enough as it is.

Ultimately, the truth has to come from one person, and one person only.

I've always thought of myself as level-headed. As someone who is caring and willing to help those in need. I've always prided myself on taking others advice and making the right decisions in my life. You also need to remember...that you all were as taken with Mr.3 as I was. You all took him in too....and now, you all are so willing to throw him away. And it easy for you to do that...because you are not me. You were not the ones loved by him. He made me happy, he made me complete.

And that is something that I can never forget.

Trapped in an 80's hair band kind of life

So the other day I was listening to the radio and I realized that my life has become a Whitesnake song....or rather several of their songs strung together. To say the least, I am quite surprised that my life resembles any 80's hair band song, but I guess it does.

What is further surprising is that in this new scenerio...I am the lead singer and Mr.3 has become Tawny Kitaen, the red-headed model that was in several of Whitesnake's videos and at one point was married to the lead singer. She is probably most well known for her white nighty acrobatics in the video Here I Go Again. Hey....anyone who does the splits on the hood of a jag does deserve props.



So I presented this scenario to my husband (and I am going to just include the whole email): "So what's with the continued no calls/no contact thing? Conversations with you every three weeks is not my idea of fun. Not that any of this situation is fun. What was this life management skills meeting thing? What is the status of your testing?

I still can't shake the feeling that you are avoiding coming home. I have apprehensions about you coming home too, you know. It isn't like I don't. The burden of the awkwardness that will result from you coming home is shared....not just wholly on you.

Listening to the radio the other day I came to a very strange conclusion....my life is becoming one long Whitesnake song. Which I think makes you that red-headed model. I have a hard time imagining you doing the splits on the hood of a car though....are you limber enough to do that? Of course, you could always do the panda roll.

That's all for this evening.
I love you
d"

His reply: "Good morning honey. I was online yesterday but you weren't on and I got "timed out" by the watchers. I am anxious about coming home, but certainly not avoiding it. I miss you terribly and really miss our little life :)

I could probably panda roll on the hood of a jag, but the splits, not so much ... it might hurt bits of me or something, not to mention what it might do to the car.

The life management thing was interesting, just really basic ideas and instructions for how to do laundry how to cook basics, some communications things but the cool part - they brought in a little Corgi puppy. He was really neat, his name was Nigel, so it really fit.

I love you"

While watching his panda roll on the hood of a jag would be really interesting, I just can't but wonder if I should really worry about Nigel being a competition for my husband's affections. I miss him terribly...and I wish more than anything that this separation will end soon. Eight months is a really long time. And what is worse about this situation...and it isn't the worry that this might end goodly or badly....it is that we never get to a point-never leave this awkward transition period- where this can reach some sort of conclusion. That is what is most taxing, not the worry, not the loneliness, the money issues...all that can be sorted out. What can't be sorted out without him here and waiting for that point is the most taxing thing of all.

Of My Education

Avoided it long enough really....I got the notices in the mail that I have to start paying back my student loans. Ah....borrowing was so easy....payback is a bitch.

My college education bill (keep in mind a large hunk on this money was used for living expenses): 68 grand.

Monthly bill: $450 for the next 30 years.

Painful, but manageable. Actually, before the bankruptcy I think that I was paying more each month in credit card bills. Since Job #3 is more lucrative than Cactus and Tropicals I am going to quit it and spend the time that I would have been working there working at home on Job 3. (Although I am waiting for the ok from Job 3 for the increase in hours---hopefully it won't be a problem.)

I was sick earlier this week....some strange and obnoxious flu like thing. So with sickness and the emotional trauma of the loan thing, I was a wreck last night. I am so glad that I confronted it all though because today is shaping up to be a great day.

I've taken the day off today because....IT'S JIMMY'S BIRTHDAY!!!!!
While his turning 19 makes me feel old, I am so proud of him and I want to make it a good day for him, and one of the things that I could do was to take a day off of work to spend it with him. Libby and I, in good sisterly fashion, will be taking him out to a birthday lunch. Lunch because he wants to go and work at the haunted house tonight. As I have Zonta tonight, that helps.

My good mood is a oddly nice change to things. Today also marks the 8 month mark since I have last seen my husband...the turkey butt. This only gives me further reasons to start writing again. One, I would rather write than go to therapy on my own, Two, a best-selling book would make the student loans go away, and Three....I miss writing so much.

How Do You Redeem Brownie Points?

And is the redemption in actual brownies?

Because brownies would be sooooo good right now. Mmmmmm brownies.

The Future of My Masters

I came to a decision today....which is almost as momentous as me blogging about it actually.

I am going to take a full year off from school.

Sure, I was only going to take off just this semester, but if I am feeling as panicked as I do now when I think about returning to school next semester....it is a sign that I am not ready. I think that I need to respect the panic that I feel about some things more. It is just my body telling me that now is not the time.

Part of me has been wanting just to stop school and never go back. And while it is silly to listen to that voice because I am a class and a test away from finishing my masters....that voice also has a bit of logic to it.

So hopefully by next Fall, my life will have regained a sense of normalcy and order. Maybe then, I will be able to handle school and be the student that I once was.

Lack of Neck Pigment

My boss showed me a picture today of a photo she took with me and Dr. Vali Nasr when he was in town for the Khazeni lectures. And in the picture my neck reflects light like it is a giant spotlight!

I have this same problem in my driver's license photo, and I originally thought that it was just the DMV. But maybe not. When I was in the bathroom earlier I looked at my neck...I think that it has no pigment. I am not sure if it has even seen the light of day! I've never tried to get a tan...so that could be true.

And since I have no intention of getting a tan or wearing makeup on my neck...I guess that I don't have to worry about having any more photos taken of me.

Not As Lost As I Thought I Was

So with Job #3, I view and rate website according to their category of content...except I do this in Turkish. At first, when I started I was a bit worried because I have felt really out of touch with my Turkish. However, after working for them for a week now..I no longer feel out of touch anymore. Which pleases me greatly...

the last thing that I need is to be lost in something else.

Ever have a day where you feel like your teeth are trying to escape?

Wow...I didn't think that it had been that long since I have done an update...but apparently it has.

I am having one of those bored and annoyed days. I started out alright....got annoyed....got rid of my annoyed issues....then got bored. And now I am annoyed that I am bored.

So...anything new recently? Why yes! Yes there is. Jimmy got a job (and the clouds parts and angels begin to sing 'Hallaleja!'). He is working at a local haunted house, Nightmare on 13th, and he absolutely loves it! I am soo happy for him!

Rather than sit and be depressed in a filthy house, I decided to get anal and intricately schedule out my life including specific house chores. It is beautiful! A monthly calendar with tiny little check boxes on it reminding me to do the dishes and laundry and cleaning the bathroom....I guess that I should add blogging to list too...maybe I would actually do it. I started to schedule my volunteer stuff too...although at the moment I have been doing too much with the GV board to be focusing on my author duties. I'll work on that more too. Anyway....my house is clean now, I'm getting stuff done, and I manage to be cheerful...even when I am slightly annoyed with my boredom.

Next, Job #1 is doing great! Job #2 is alright...they have been having me work some strange odd evening schedules (from 5-7:30) while some of the other cashiers have been on vacation. Tonight is the last of those...thank goodness. And I have started Job #3! Yes, I know you are all thinking that I am crazy---but I thought that we had established that already. Job #3 is so much fun, I review Turkish websites for a internet software company. I work from home (the only reason why I took the job) and I get paid $13 a hour (which serves as an added bonus). With the money from Job #3 I plan on fixing up the car, saving for christmas, going to see Amira, and possibly throwing a new computer in on the side too.

As for Mr.3, he is still away....7 months and about a week now. One day, he will be released. He sounds good and misses me. When I go out with friends, I sort of channel him. I am there, but so is he in spirit. He needs to come home soon, I find it exhausting trying to be both him and me!

And what else? I think that is it. So maybe not too much has really happened then. Anyway...I will revise my schedule and be back here more often.

Holbrook Photos

I have some of the photos from this trip up on my flickr account...but there will definitely be more to come. Jimmy and I drive back tomorrow and there are some photo stops that we want to take.

Yesterday we went to the Petrified Forest National Park and I am now obsessed with trying to collect all of the National Park postcard derived from old WPA (Works Progress Administration) posters.

For my mom's birthday dinner we went to the La Posada Restaurant in Winslow. Back in the heyday of Route 66, it was the place to be seen by all of Hollywood's elite.

And I thought that I would leave you with the photo of the Indian Parking sign...no, I was not making it up.

The Holbrook Letters- Tuesday

Hi Sweetie,
I am sure that by the time you are reading this is will be the morning, and I wanted to tell you happy birthday. I miss you, and I wish that you were here.

Today was fairly quiet but I spent some time driving around town trying to get the feel for the place. We saw Dad's ALCO store. At first glance it is like a dollar store and the Kmart's from the 1980's had an illegitimate child. But I tried to give it the benefit of the doubt. I walked up and down every aisle...checking out prices and the merchandise. The store may be small but it is packed with stuff. By the end it sorta reminded me of the little bakkals in Turkey.....packed with absolutely everything and if they don't have it...you really didn't need it anyway.

We also visited a couple of the local tourist shops here. We went to the sign shop that had the "Indian Parking only, all others will be scalped", and it was the type of store where there were no price tags. When I asked the elderly owner how much the different signs were he said that they were $6 to $30 depending on the item. Well, wouldn't you just know it....every sign I inquired about was $30. So I just stuck to buying the $6 magnets and took pictures of the various signs that I liked while Jimmy and Mom distracted him. We also went to "McGee's Trading Post" which was an upscale shop that had some really nice Indian crafts in it. While this place had pricetags...they all said "you can't afford this so back away slowly".

Jimmy and I are taking stock of things that we want to visit later and take pictures of. On the drive back there is a bridge that we want to stop at...I think that it is over the Glen Canyon Dam...in any case, it was almost as cool to drive over as a tunnel. And there is some cave outside of Kanab that we want to visit. Don't be surprised if Jimmy and I bring home a smallpox blanket either.

Unfortunately, there are still some bad stereotypes here...I have seen one to many drunken Indians for comfort. We were going to go try this rock shop for souvenirs, and I was waiting for this old Indian guy to finish stumbling past the sidewalk to turn...he was doing fine until he started to stumble in reverse. For a while I thought that he was going to fall back on the car. Technically he would have hit me...but I don't think that the car insurance company would believe the damages. He did manage to regain forward momentum...so that is good.

The B1 vitamin seems to be helping greatly. I did get swarmed by mosquitoes when we got out of the car at dusk...but none of them bit me. They did chew on Jimmy a bit though.

Tomorrow we are going to visit the Petrified National Forest...or at least, the visitor's center thereof. Hopefully I will be able to find some cheap petrified wood to bring back as souvenirs. There is also some famous restaurant in the nearby town of Winslow that we are going to eat at tomorrow. And my Dad promises alot of driving around. I will take a bunch of pictures for you to see until you will be able to come down and see if for yourself.

I will call and leave a message in the morning sometime for you, maybe I will be able to find a birthday joke for you. Everyone here misses you and says to tell you hi, especially Mom who really really wants a birthday hug from you.

I love you sweetie,
Happy Birthday!

--
D

The Holbrook Letters-Monday

Until I can mange to get my head together enough to do a straight blog post about my visit here, I am going to post the emails/letters that I am sending to Mr.3 about the trip. Here is letter 1:



Well we made it to Arizona. You should have heard the tasteless but incredibly politically incorrect jokes we made about indains. It wouldn't be that bad...but they make it sooo easy.
Holbrook is a sweet little town, with the little that i have seen of it so far I would say that it has more charm than Price. They had this Route 66 sign shop that had a sign that said "Indian Parking only, all others will be scalped". I am definitely going to take pictures of it tomorrow...and maybe see how much is costs. Not that I have anywhere to put it, it is quite tasteless...but fun. Maybe in the Nephi room?

The house is pretty nice, it is bigger than what I thought. It is only half re-finished at the moment...but once they get it done it will be nice. It has ALOT of potential! The smoky paint can smelt when you come into the house, but with the paint job done upstairs it is gone. The new carpeting is nice and spongy.

The only downside is these mutant mosquitoes that they have here. I am covered in welts. So is Jimmy and my Mom. We have started to take vitamin B1 to sour our blood to them, but I don't know if that will work against these bastards.

We all miss you alot. I really wish that you could have come down with us. Although I have a feeling that you might have gotten angry with me over my speeding.

To close tonight I am going to leave you with one of the jokes that Jimmy and I made. As we were coming in I read this sign that said "Real Indian Blankets $7.77" As I was commenting on the cheapness of the price, Jimmy noted that the smallpox on them was free.

Ok, so it was tasteless, but I laughed so hard I almost peed my pants.
I miss you.

Love
d

waiting

so I am blogging from work, which is normally not a big deal when i am blogging from my monday thru friday job, but today i am working at cactus and tropicals.

Recap of sorts....
1. It has been six months since I last saw my husband, and i am annoyed.
2. I walked down to the car rental place this morning...and I am realizing now that I really shouldn't have done that.
3. Tomorrow Jimmy and I (and I was hoping that my husband would be as well, but probably not) will be driving down to Arizona. I am super excited, and i think that is making today just DDDDDRRRRRAAAAAAAGGGGGG on.

I really don't want to be here at all today. Probably not a good thing.
customers!....gotta go...

Onion News: Shaming the Fat Kids

In The Know: Should We Be Shaming Obese Children More?

I dig this movie!

Working in the Resource Room....

I am now in the process of reviewing and converting to DVD all of the videos that we have in the resource room at my work. Yesterday went alright...and I thought that today would be alright too, but I think that I have hit my quota today of documentaries on the beginning of Islam.

Although I have found some gems...like this one I am watching now called Israel in Dance. It chronicles the Shalom dance troupe out of Tel Aviv...which would normally be fine and perhaps on the boring side, but they have a done their performances in public places...like parks and restaurants.... The styling of the video is that they are trying to do a cross between a music video and a musical, except instead of breaking out into song in the middle of a scene....they are breaking out into dance. I know that they are trying to make it a very serious production but it is the most amusing thing that I have seen in a long time..

oh no! They are now performing in a wild west park! I'm gonna pee my pants!
It's a klemzer version of "Oh Suzanna!"

No Cactus Superpowers for Me :(

This weekend marked my first full weekend at working at Cactus and Tropicals...alas, no more weekends for me anymore. The nice thing is that the job isn't difficult, I only have to ring up customers and make sure that my area is clean. No customer service. It's great. The only thing that isn't great is the attacking cactus.

There I was walking with a slight hop in my step as I was going to go and get lunch, when I was attacked by a cactus. Two inches spires, and I swear it attacked me on purpose. My hand is all scratched up...I looked like I was clawed. My hand was bleeding and swollen all day Saturday.

My only regret:
that I didn't wake up the next morning with cactus superpowers.

A waste really.

----------------------------------------------------------------------
In other news, yesterday was my birthday (don't say anything, I didn't want to advertise it!), and I was miserable all day long. And it wasn't as though people weren't nice to me...on the contrary. I had wonderful birthday wishes from all of those close to me. But no matter how nice people were yesterday...I just could not bring myself to be happy about anything.

All I could think about was that it was another day where I had to manage on my own. Mr.3 has now missed two birthdays (and I just tick off all of the important days that he misses anymore), and Mom and Dad are a state away so there was no one really to organize a family party. Even when I was in Turkey...someone managed to make a cake for me. I had to buy my own yesterday. And as such, I bought a super expensive cake that feeds a ton of people. So we really can't buy groceries until payday next Tuesday....so that cake is a bit more precious now. Mmmmmm....cake. Sounds so good at the moment...

Most of yesterday I spent crying in my office working. I just didn't want to go home and I stayed until 4 in the afternoon (I normally leave at 1:30). And today....all I want to do is go home. So I am leaving early today....in a half hour to be exact.

The cake is calling me...

Nothing that String Cheese and a Pickle Won't Fix

Massive photo upload completed.

See!

the fascinating photos that I took to amuse myself and chronicle our horrible movers! Except CJ, he was wonderful!

Thrill!

to the photos of the wildfire on Highway 6 that my mom and I took pictures of....

And stammer in wonder!


.....about how I am not going to tell you what the title of this post means.

The Happiness of Mr. Potter

I pre-ordered the new Harry Potter book ages ago and got the free shipping on it. I honestly expected it to arrive next week sometime...so imagine my extreme delight and surprise after returning home from my first day at my new second job (cashiering at Cactus and Tropicals) to find the book on my doorstep.

I started it last night and finished it today.

It was really really really good...and I honestly can't wait to have kids and have them be old enough to share the series with them.

The only problem is that now that I have finished another reading book....I need to figure out what to read next!

Hairspray with Jimmy

The Pride Center received a bunch of free movie preview tickets for a screening of the movie musical Hairspray. While I never would have paid to go and see this movie...I just wasn't interested....I am now a complete fan and I plan on buying the movie when it comes out on DVD and the soundtrack as soon as I can.

The pre-show people watching was great. Apparently the radio stations K-Bull and B98.7 gave away tickets to the show as well and Jimmy and I spent most of the time trying to figure out where different people got the tickets from. And luckily we managed to lose the lady in the line behind us who was so eager to tell me all about how what a hunk DJ Country Joe was.

Sometimes movie musicals are really well done like Chicago and Moulin Rouge, and sometimes they are horrible, like Phantom of the Opera. Hairspray was really well done. It didn't feel forced whenever someone broke out into song.

I was a little leary about John Travolta in it (he plays the Mother) but he was excellent! And I was in love with the girl who played Tracy Turnblat about 30 seconds into her opening number. Another nice thing about the movie was the energy of the audience....we were clapping at the end of numbers, laughing with the jokes and cheering and applauding during the credits....in fact we stayed through to the end of the credits.

So, I say...go see it when it opens...it was alot of fun...just go with the flow of it.

Coffee Shop Craziness

So after our dinner of breakfast (waffles, sausage and hash browns baby!) Libby and I went out to get coffee to celebrate (not dinner but we were celebrating my election to the Global Voices board-I'll gush about this later).

Sitting at Beans n' Brew enjoying our iced tea, we started to hear what we thought was a play argument between the workers, but soon we realized that it wasn't the case.

Woman: "What is the difference between what you are saying and a lie?! Because you are a liar!"
Man: mumble mumble mumble
Woman: "No! You tell me how that is not a lie?! You tell me right now! How is that not a lie!?"
Man: mumble mumble "please be quiet" mumble mumble
Woman: "What is wrong with you!? You don't go and buy coffee with no money in your pocket!? How much money do you have in your pocket!!??"
Man: mumble mumble mumble
Woman: "What sort of idiot do you have to be to buy coffee with no money?! Show me your wallet! Show me the money in your wallet! Show me now you fucking idiot!"

At this point the woman is yelling at the top of her lungs, and looking like she is going to strike the man. The manager on duty goes over to the couple and quietly asks them to step outside to have their argument. Then the woman turns on the staff...

Woman: "Shut up! Shut! Up! This is NONE of your business! Get your nose out of our business!"
Coffeeshop Manager: "Ma'am, you are disturbing the other customers...."
Women: "Get OUT OF MY FACE! Do not bother me! Get out of my business! Stand away from the counter! No! Stand away from the counter and stay out of my fucking business! (To the man) You! You fucking idiot! This is all your fault! You are the fucking idiot who tries to buy coffee without money in your fucking wallet!"
Man: Grumble "bitch" grumble
Coffeeshop Manager: "Ma'am please step outside."
Woman: "You! You shut the fuck up! Stay out of my business, get away from this counter! I am trying to deal with this fucking liar here who can't pay for his own fucking coffee! Get away from the counter!"
Coffeeshop Manager: "Ma'am, I don't want to have to call the...."
Woman: "I told you to fucking shut up and get away from the counter! DO NOT GET INTO MY BUSINESS! (to the man) What the fuck were you thinking not having any money in your pocket!?!"
Coffeeshop Manager: "Ma'am, I will just give you your coffee for free if you will just leave...."
Woman: "What!? Fine! (to the man) See! See! This is all because of you! Now just look! Aren't you just..... (to the coffeeshop manager who is fixing their coffee) (calmly) oh, can I get a tall...make that order a tall. Thanks. (to the man, angry again) YOU are a fucking idiot, you fucking liar! You are SO lucky that they are getting the coffee to us for free!"
Man: grumbling and heading to the door "We got the coffee free because you are a fucking bitch"
Woman: "I'm a bitch?! You're the fucking lying idiot that forgot to bring money in his wallet!"
Man: "No, it is because you are a bitch!"

And the conversation continued like that until they got outside. Then they started to yell at each other in the parking lot, and then they were gone. It was completely crazy. When she was yelling at the coffeeshop manager I thought that she was going to hop over the counter and slap her. The other thing that was also most appalling about it (besides her public belittlement of the gentleman she was with) was that after her fit, and the free drink that they were offering her to leave....she had the audacity to UPGRADE her drink option.

We talked with the staff about it afterwards because the whole thing was just so crazy...and cool to watch in that voyeuristic way. There was alot of speculation as to whether they intended to make a scene in order to get free coffee...and even if they did, how absolutely low is that? I wouldn't want to show my face in that coffee shop ever again...and this woman thought nothing to the scene was making and how she made herself and the guy with her look.

If they were an item I hope that he broke up with her....no relationship should ever have public scenes that disgraceful.

End of URSA....is it the power of the boobs or the red dress?

Well folks, I'm back home from Cedar City. Overall things went really really well. I think that I made some excellent contacts and that I represented the MEC well.

Another thing that has come out of this conference is that I appear to have hypnotic boobs. We had the waiter transfixed, as well as the nice half Saudi guy I met. But of course, nothing proves your sexuality like getting attention from a trucker.

Driving along, minding my own business, I pass a semi-truck on I-15. When I pulled in front of him I noticed that he is flashing his lights at me. Weird I thought, no cops around and I definitely didn't cut him off, why the lights? Then a minute or two later, he tries to pass me....going 90 miles an hour in a semi-truck. I was lucky that I didn't die. I looked up at his window when he was passing by and I notice that he is practically in his passenger seat waving at me. I smile back and look down....he must have had an excellent view of the girls. A few minutes later I passed him again and he kept flashing his lights at me until I waved at him. I guess that is score one for my sexiness.

My husband better get back soon....because life is better when the girls are only hypnotizing him and not seeking attention elsewhere.

URSA Conference Day 2

I had my first day of presentations today. The room that I had had a nice set-up, it was a small theater room. And while I may not have drawn in the crowd's, I hope that those there appreciated the fact that I had music playing as they came in.

Presentation 1 was an Introduction to the Outreach Program, and it is really difficult to make the information presented really interesting, but oh well. Out of the 5 people there, 3 of them happened to fall asleep during one point or another. Surprisingly enough the two people who were asleep left and came back for my second presentation....and didn't fall asleep at all.

Presentation 2 was about the Sunni Shia split in Islam, and it was a complete success! I took questions throughout and we even went over time in questions at the end. Some of the questions that I got caught me completely off guard, but it also showed that the teachers I was presenting too really had no idea...things like honor killings and veiling. Apparently I do come off as a convert, or the guy just had a really good guess. At the end a gentleman asked me if I had converted and if I was Sunni or Shia because he wanted to know if I was favoring one side or the other. I admit that I might have poked a little bit of fun at the continuous list of poisonings of the 12 Imams....but I have Shia friends who joke a bit about that as well. When I explained that I was Sufi and that either side didn't like me, that seemed to convince him of my objectivity. I definitely wasn't prepared for specific questions on Hizbollah, their Shia status, and their connection to Palestine....but I managed to hold my own. I think that as an advertisement for Outreach that the Sunni Shia presentation did more than the presentation that only illustrates what we do. Either that or I just need to jazz it up a bit.

Tomorrow should be better number wise. The conference is held between two buildings and the building that I was in today was not the main building....tomorrow I will be in the main building so more people will probably come.

The luncheon speaker was excellent, he talked about brain functions and how children of the current generation process information differently that their parents' generation. He also made mention of items like bloom's taxonomy that I had learned about in my classes...so it was nice to see that the graduate program that I am in is really on the cutting edge of research.

I hadn't seen too many teachers from this conference and the lunch time meeting gave me a chance to see people.....and you could tell that there were alot of teachers from rural schools, I haven't seen hair that big or female mullets so prominent since I lived in Texas in the 80's.

After lunch I just skipped the afternoon sessions and came back to the hotel....fell asleep for a while...and then woke up hungry and reluctant to brave the Bard's Food and Drink Establishment. I ordered an overpriced pizza instead, of which I have eaten one piece and decided that I was full. Oh well....it gives me a reason to skip lunch tomorrow and drive back a couple of hours early. Mmmmm.....pizza solves all ills.

Blogging the URSA conference

So I am in Cedar City for the rest of the work week to attend and present at the Utah Rural Schools Association conference. I am doing two presentations (and presenting each of them twice). The first in an Introduction to the Middle East Outreach Program and the second is called Sunni vs. Shia- Deconstructing Islam for the classroom.

As I wasn't presenting today I wasn't in a hurry to get down here. I did manage to make the last session and find out which rooms that I am presenting in later. I was utterly shocked to see presenters in blue jeans. I mean I understand that everyone is teachers here....but why the lack of dress code for presenters? At least I know that I will be putting forth a good face for the MEC, even if I may seem to be overdressed.

It seems that alot of people were worried about my ability to get down here. There is a fantastically large wildfire down here, and according to the national news it is a third of the size of Rhode Island....I don't know if that is worse for Utah or just a reflection on the inferiority complex that Rhode Island must have. Because the fire has been hopping I-15, they have been threatening to close the road down. When I drove by I saw no fires, but I saw alot of the aftermath of them. I took some photos from the road, and I will try to get them online sometime soon. The fires didn't burn everything in sight, the fact that it didn't made the damage seem worse. There were many trees that were only half burned...the leaves went from black to brown to a small hint of green.

Cedar City is most known for the Shakespearian festival that it has every year....and of course this has made the ENTIRE city a walking Shakespeare theme park. I find it really annoying. The hotel restaurant is called "the Bard's Food and Drink Establishment" and every menu item has some cutsy reference to a Shakespeare character. No matter how good an alcoholic beverage might have sounded, I just couldn't bring myself to order "grog". My waiter was obnoxiously attentive to me....he asked me four times how my dinner salad was. While an attentive waiter can be nice, it was obvious that he was not interested in my salad but "ye old Debbie's breast'es" that were, unfortunately for him, NOT on the menu. It wasn't like I was parading them or anything....but I do think that he deliberately stuffed me into that booth to make them pop out a bit more and make the sight more to his advantage.

Although some things in this trashy theme world make it all worthwhile...I noticed as I was passing their conference rooms that their Canterbury room was spelled "Canterberry"....god love those that try to sound well-read.

Well off to practice! More tomorrow.

Top Ten List of Things that Happened Since my Last Post

1. While not in chronological order, this one is the most pressing as my feet are all wet. Even though it may sound like fun to fill up a balloon punching ball with a gallon of water....it isn't. Especially when it decides to burst all over you in the living room. My brother is now learning this lesson as he is cleaning up the "flood".
2. Mr.3 seems to be dealing well with the loss of his family members. And I am learning a new type of patience with his mother. While I spent a small fortune on flowers and sent money to help pay for the funeral, I do feel that I have managed to show my extended family that I am good in a crisis.
3. Nothing quite prepares you for the shock when you open the door and find out that the same putz who moved the piano so badly is also the same person paid to do your parents move. On Monday they were supposed to arrive at noon to start packing. They arrived at 1:30. Worked for 45 minutes then a 15 minutes smoke break, worked for another 45 minutes and then had a half hour pizza break, and then left for the day at 5pm.
4. If I could have adopted CJ, the driver from the National moving company, I would have.
5. On the second time of filling up the punching balloon my brother did manage to roll it down the front steps, several times, before it finally burst. In fact the first time he rolled it, it made it too the main sidewalk and then continued to roll down the hill. It was too houses down before it got stuck in the grass.
6. Never ever ever trust Campbell movers in Price Utah. The one day of packing became two and then three days. I watched them steal boxes and attempt to con the driver out of money for work they did not do. I watched them bring my mom to the point of raging tears, and I believe that the moving guy who took the brunt of it deserved everything that he got.
7. When people say that they don't have their limits, like I did, they are wrong. After helping the mover guy load until 3 in the morning, after cleaning the house for my parents, after running myself ragged for months....there is a limit and I hit it. The results weren't pretty.
8. I had to cancel a job interview because of the moving, and after the moving I decided that I wasn't going to look for a second job for a couple more months....well after consulting my bank account and the "help" I gave my in-laws I might be able to make one more month without a second job. So I guess that I start to go looking again.
9. It had now been six friggin months since I last saw my husband.
10. I had a run with the bug that was interesting....she was very rude and tried to shut my bosses' door in my face....the details are not important. What IS important was that I told her to her face that she was very rude and that she should not do that ever again. I think that everyone who witnessed it were probably more shocked than her to see it. In any case, she doesn't really want to deal with me....which is fine because I was spared today when she made the office sing her Happy Birthday.