Definitely written in the heat of the moment

Today was the first day with Kate gone, and it sucked....it sucked big time.
Not only am I managing my own job, but dear Kate's and Rebecca's....and also Carolyn's---who broke her ankle this morning on the ice on campus here. As a habitual klutz this type of thing worries me as a general rule...oh but to break your ankle in 3 separate bones, plus she has to go in for surgury tomorrow morning....while I was incredibly paniked by the Workman's Comp form that I had to fill out for her, at least I am not in her shoes, or rather, shoe and a full cast.

But perhaps the worst part of all of this is Bug-Sitting. Now I am trying as hard as I can to get everything done, and I think that I am making a fairly decent job of it, but having to tell her how to do ROUNTINE items like coordinating with faculty over directed readings authorizations---hello! the May Accord---it isn't like we go over this constantly!--- takes up more of time that I don't already have.

but seriously, she has been confirming every thing that she has done today with me....and honestly there is a lot there that I don't need/have to know. Case in point....she called in late today....nothing new, happens all the time. So I mention to her that she should just standardize her hours to 9-6, instead of the 8-5, since that is closer to the actual hours that she works...plus she wouldn't have to call in late to me everyday. At which point she went into this HUGE explanation of what she does when she stays late and why she doesn't claim the work that she does as comp time (in addition to her lamenting that she wouldn't know who to talk to about setting something like that up--hummm let's see...YOUR BOSS MAYBE!)...see, she has already lied to me about her collection of comp time hours and I don't need to listen to her lie again to me but with more detail. The thing is that I don't fucking care! If she would just quietly and competently do her job than I would be fine with things....but when I am constantly babysitting her it drives me nuts...and she pulls this shit every single time that it is just me in the office. I am not her supervisor yet she acts like I am half the time, just do your job and get out of my space!
then she just wants to sit and talk...fine, I will listen for what I can....but to have her hover over me worried that I can't find the address of the University Hospital doesn't help. The last thing I need today is her telling me what I should be doing (and hoping that I can get it done in time) after I have already told her what I am doing....and of course the last thing that I need was of course all that I have gotten from her today. I sort of feel like I am working with crazy grandma....you say something and then she repeats it back to you as if it is her idea. I am not sure if this is a product of the bug being the bug, or if she is thinking that by telling me what I am doing (in a half-assed command sort of way) that she is somehow in charge of me? And of course, we all know my opinions on that.

Because of the workman's comp form that has to be filled out within 24 hours of the incident I was going to be late to class....not that she noticed...but earlier in the day she kept asking me when I was going to class. Luckily, our class sub didn't show up and my partner declared herself to be in charge of taking roll in the class so I got to add my name to the roster.

I still haven't finished my article for Global Voices....and I so need to finish that now.

And I found out that my L2 teacher accepted my volunteering to present in class tomorrow. It is an optional thing, but I volunteered because I really want the activity to get some feedback and I am anxious to up the anty on the participation points. Of course, I am regretting that decision now, as I have a lot of work to do but no time for it. The activity should be cool. We are supposed to present a socio-lingual activity that discusses variation in language. So what I am going to do is present some of the differences between Istanbul Turkish and Diyarbakir Turkish and how certain items that would be categorized as a mis-use of grammar is really inference from the Kurdish Language into the Turkish. The same type of grammar mistakes (if you go by the perscriptive rules of grammar) are very common in learners of Turkish who speak English as their native language and speakers of Turkish who speak Kurdish as their native language. God, I hope it works well.

Also....I have fan-flipping-tastic news to share with all....but you will have to wait (if you don't already know) until the next post.

First Anniversary

Today is the First Anniversary of Mr.3 and I. Sometimes I am surprised that it has been that long, but then again, I have never been this happy before. Oddly enough, with the car problems we are again strapped for money this month, which is exactly where we were last year...except it is better now as we already have rent paid through January. I found $30 credit on a card so we are going to go out for a cheap date to celebrate.
I filed and buffed my nails for the occasion, it was badly needed but I am so hard on my hands that they just look old no matter what I do. Granny hands, that is what I have. Even if I wore jewelery on them they would still look this way.

Angry Email...

I received this email from some random person who throughly ticked me off. I am only going to post the text of the emails and I am going to edit the girl's name (just to be nice). Also I have inserted commentary...

Sent: Fri, 25 Nov 2005 02:09:17 +0000
Subject: Turkish delight

Hi, my name is KF, I am female, 17 and I am from the UK. I am a huge Tarkan fan and of all things Turkish :) (Isn't that just sickeningly perky?)

You sound like a nice person, but I am confused as to why a Kurdish person would have a blog with "Turkish Delight" on it? I have met a few Kurds in London, and they keep telling me how one day they are going to take Turkey over. Threy are nice people, but a little strange. (How many times do I need to tell people that I am not Kurdish?!)

I have also emailed Ali Yildirim, the owner of my favourite site Tarkan DeLuxe, to let him know that you think he is a 'weird guy with a Tarkan fetish". I don't think you read his site properly, else you are coming to a way off-beat conclusion. He really just helps Tarkan fans by answering questions, and as far as I know I think he has got a girlfriend (well that is what this girl on my msn boasts). (My opinion on this subject still stands, although I will admit that his site has gotten better since I last looked at-when the comment was originally made.)

There are many top quality Turkish blogs about, I don't think you have really searched. (Oh no, she didn't!) But I also explained this to Ali and I am sure he will put a post up on his own blog, which has a large readership(really? Prove it!), giving you a nice long list of everything Turkish in the blogsphere. I am interested now, too.
See you.
K

Ok so I am not sure how I can express my annoyance at receiving this, especially all the stuff about being "being Kurdish" but having Turkish Delight as a site name. I have gotten this a bunch of times and replying/explaining things wears on my nerves. This was my reply:

Subject: Re: Turkish delight
Date: Thu, 24 Nov 2005 23:35:17 -0500

K,
Thank you for email, I guess. I am neither Kurdish nor Turkish, but American with no family connections to anywhere but the US. The history of my connection to Turkey, the Turks and the Kurds, can all be found in the archives of my blog.
As to my comment about Ali's blog, I believe that that was an extraordinaryily long time ago and do not see why you think that it has any relevance. I am glad that you enjoy his website, I personally have not visited his website since my comments and see no need to. Also I do not see your sending of my comment on his blog, made a LONG time ago, serves any purpose other than to ingratiate yourself with Ali, and to create some sort of "drama" that is frankly not worth any of our time.
I am very well aware that there are a number of top quality Turkish blogs out there, and if you had read my blog recently you would know that I actually write an article every week for a group called Global Voices, which gives an overview of what is happening in the Turkish blogosphere. In fact I resent the comment that you made about that.
Again, thank you for your interest,
Delal

Yes, I was curt but I could have been much much worse....but no, she isn't finished!

Sent: Fri, 25 Nov 2005 09:07:18 +0000
Subject: Re: Turkish delight

Dear Delal,

Thank you for such a speedy reply, but I am sure you now know what it feels like I guess when someone misjudges YOU (Misjudges or is just making stupid assumptions?). I don't think it was wrong of me to tell Ali the (in my opinion) unfair and frankly rude comments you made about a guy that didn't deserve it. A fair reading of his blog would show that. He has a right to know that you called him a weird guy with a Tarkan fetish. How he responds to it is up to him, I guess.

I still wonder why you have the blog name Turkish delight - is it like I've seen some Armenians do where they take popular Turkish word searches so that they can pull the surfer into websites that do nothing but denigrate Turkey? As your blog has nothing really to do with Turkey or the Turkish people, but Kurds. (Ok, so now she is comparing me to mythically underhanded Armenians as well as Kurds...do you think that there is any other pseudo slur she can try to throw at me?)

Thank you but I do not feel the need to return to your site to wade through archives...once was enough, (please note, she said once....she has only read one post and she is bitching and calling me names?)HOWEVER though I would suggest that you return to Ali's...I am surprised that you write for Global Voices. Someone who can make such silly biased comments about people they don't know I thought would lack any such ability.

Did you know Ali writes for Global voices, (Absolute LIE!!!, She doesn't even know what the site is) too and for Quantara and the like?

I am so glad you found some good Turkish blogs. I did a little search myself and found an amazing one about the Ottoman Empire. (So I think that she has found a total of 2, count them 2 Turkish blogs...wow, I am impressed.)

Regards

So my WhatTheFuck? meter went off the scale with this one. This Ali guy doesn't write for GV, she is completely making this up, I checked. Furthermore, I don't see why she has appointed herself the judge and jury about what I say about anyone, especially if she can't even back up what she says. Yes, she is young, but that is no excuse. Here is my reply:

Subject:	Re: Turkish delight
Date:	Fri, 25 Nov 2005 22:01:22 -0500

K,
What I see is an ignorant little girl who seems to have deemed herself the morality police. Furthermore, you are a liar, as your dear Ali doesn't write for Global Voices, you are just trying to make some seemingly intelligent comment about something that you clearly have no clue about.
The name of my PERSONAL blog has no relevence, I started in while living in Turkey, something I doubt that you can say for yourself. From your comments made to me and about people that I have written about in the past you have proven yourself to be quite the bigot. So before you start calling other people names I suggest that you take a hard look at yourself.
Now I must commend you for being intelligent enough to manage a blog keyword search but I recommend that you just stick to your wet and mushy Tarkan fantasies before you attempt to make any comments to complete strangers as it only serves to show what an petty imbecile you in fact are.
Please do not email me again as the time it takes to read and reply to you is a bit of my life that I have now wasted.
Delal

So far she hasn't responded back and I hope that she doesn't. I honestly can't see what possessed her to write to me in the first place except that it is obvious that she has a thing for this Ali guy. The last thing I need is some whiny teenager complaining about a slightly negative comment I made that she found on some random websearch. And I am angry that she made me angry and dragged me into this little "drama" of hers.

So dear readers, do you think that I was overreactive and a complete bitch or were my comments deserved and probably should have been harsher? I advidly await your comments.

Thanksgiving Apathy

So I have been bumming around on the computer for a while now with no idea what I should blog about. Thanksgiving went well and I took a couple of pictures of things but I have no desire to even post them.

Jason (the one with the snoring video) came down and while I don't think that he intended to stay the whole weekend he has. Tomorrow we are going to leave around noon and Jason will follow us back...he is doing this for a couple of reasons one, because he is unfamiliar with the road and it snowed and two, to make sure that our car makes it. When we came to my parent's house on Wednesday afternoon I hit the driveway (which is rather steep) probably a little too fast. A horrible crunch sound came from the front of my car and I was leaking coolant from the engine at the rate of probably a pint every few minutes. So we take my car down to the local dealer who determines that the water pump needs to be replaced to the tune of $750 originally. Mr. 3 beat them down to $650 with paying half down now and the rest later...this seriously threatens precious saved funds for Christmas shopping....well not exactly threatens....kills all the spare funds left. It looks like another year with practially nothing to get Christmas gifts with. I feel so stupid that it happened because the result was the taking of our savings but I guess that there is nothing to be done about it. Oh, and the strap on my $90 leather purse broke as well, adding to my dismay.

In other news, we bought a Christmas tree for the house, and I am taking my childhood christmas ornaments back with me to put on it. This came as an unexpectedly emotional rite of passage for me...but I will just add it to all of the things that I have ended up crying about this weekend.

I received the most obnoxious email from this girl who was upset with me over a comment I made about someone else's blog ages ago. She really upset me and I was really rude to her in return. I am tempted to post the entire email dialouge up and then you, my few and faithful readers, can decide if I am a complete and total bitch.

Announcement

I would like to annouce that my RSS feed is now up, so you can subscribe to my blog via the feedburner icon below on the toolbar.

Another Day spent Panda Watching

Day Two of the marathon PandaCam watching at work. Kate is addicted as well. Mr. 3 says that you can hear us squeal every few minutes going "did you see him scratch?" "Oh looks he's dreaming!"....yeah, I know that we are silly.

Things were fairly quiet today. I spent most of it trying to finish school stuff that I needed to do. So far I have managed to finish everything but the stuff I need to finish for our project in Research Methods...I meet Bianca at the coffee shop in 40 minutes and I won't nearly have enough done. Writing my Kurdish article for Global Voices nearly killed me today...it is mammoth! And I still haven't covered everything that I could.

Good news however, Global Voices won the Best of Blogs Award from Deutsch Welle, hooray!!! I am glad that I was able to be a part of it. One of the judges wrote a really cool comment that for lack of a better way, I am just going to paste here.

From Lisa Stone:

"In my opinion, Global Voices is the most important blog in the English speaking world, bar none. This site is more than an up-to-the-minute guide and encyclopedia of the international blogosphere. Global Voices Online is a mega-blog the covers free speech by a global citizenry–and covers it well. It’s so important at a time when so many international voices are denied free speech by their governments and, in the United States, a very few, English-speaking, first-world media conglomerates dominate and determine the ownership, distribution and content of news."

And saving my ass yet again...Bianca just called and said that she isn't ready to meet either. At least we are productive and lazy at the same times....a sign of a good partner!

Pussycat, KBU, and the Panda Cam

So Libby took me to this play being put on by the Theater Department called "Pussycat", it was about the rave/club/drug scene. It was damn good! And surprising because it was written by a student. I can't exactly recommend that you go and see it because it was the last showing, but keep looking out for a playwright named Troy Deustch, he will go far....oh so much talent...I am throughly jealous.

The last few weeks on KBU, there has been infighting...nothing new it seems to happen quite often. However, in the most recent posting on KBU, it was insinuated that not only was I leaving the blog but that I have been the cause for the infighting. Quotes taken from my Global Voices article were taken out of context and twisted to make it look like I was the one promoting the fighting. Now I understand that English is not the first language of the person who sent the post, but COME ON!!! I have always been supportive of the blog...and in all of my emails sent between the leadership of the blog I have ALWAYS been clear in my support. This annoys me to no end. Do they want me to leave the blog?! Have I committed some sort of offense that no one is going to take me to task for?! UGH!

Ok, now on to better and much cuter things....I finally broke down and looked at the baby panda cam from Animal Planet. Oh, he is just so darn cute! If you would like to get equally addicted to the little bundle of furry cuteness, click here.

Supplemental Photos for the snoring video below

I got the flash to work on the pictures of dear Jason sleeping. Enjoy!

Snores

Snores
Originally uploaded by Purdanxiety

So every saturday we have people over for college football watching....and like the majority of weekends Jason decided to take a nap. I was hoping that the camera would pick up his feet dangling off the side of the guest bed but it was too dark...also the camera was tilted to the side....the funny thing of this rather dark video though is his snoring...so be sure to turn up the volume! He is currently on his second hour of napping at the time this video was made. Which makes him fair game in our estimation.

Yesterday's Lesson...

...Was that I would really love to just be able to stay at home and write. Granted I would go stir-crazy after a while...and I don't think that my homemaking skills would improve any great deal. But I had a lot of fun yesterday and it was incredibly productive in terms of creative ideas that I was coming up with...although the dishes saga probably wasn't that exciting it was part of a greater creative cycle than what was not shown on the blog.

Today I am literally the only person working in the office. Linda, "I" and the bug are in route to MESA, Kate took the day off (much deserved!), Rebecca quit (Tuesday was her last day) and Carolyn left early. Not that I seem to have much guilt anymore about working at work, there is no one here to see if I am in fact working for the center today or not....not that they would really care in the long run. I have been counting the phone calls answered today...it is three o'clock and I have only had 9 calls: One from the bug, two from a professor-same one-, one from the International Center wanting to know if anyone was around to talk to a visitor from Qatar today, one from FedEx welcoming us to the new online ordering program, one from Kate checking in, one from someone wanting to talk to Kate, and lastly 2 from the pizza delivery guy. Exciting day isn't it? Now I am actually working on homework that I had intended to work on yesterday, either way I will catch up on something.
Till my next boredom cycle....toodlily pipsky!

The Battle of Dishes Bank

The inital fighting was fierce, the enemy overwhelming me with its might and numbers. At times it seemed that the battle might be lost entirely when dirty water threatened to spill over the sink sides, speading to the surrounding counter areas.

The battlefield after the first round.

After giving the ranks time to regroup the battle began again. This time we were able to round up the enemy and back them into the sink corner. The war seemed almost won until disaster stuck....a full dishtray....

The Dish battlefield after round 2...notice how the enemy troops lines have broken.

The last stage of the battle went smoothly and no resistance was met from the enemy ranks.

The enemy vanquished!

While the battle was fought well on both sides today, we must remember that this is not the end of the war, the Miliant Dish Jihadist Movement is not a group that will be easily destroyed, in fact I predict many many more battles with this terrorist foe to come.

The triumph of my day

Below you will see the crowning achievement of my day off: videoblogging! I plan to put up pictures a little later today showing the progression of the dishes but I still haven't completed the final round.

If you are interested in learning how to videoblog, visit my friend Mert. While his commentary is in Turkish the videos are more than explanatory.

Ok, enjoy the video! It's lame but palmolive can be quite hypnotizing!

Dishes!

Dishes!
Originally uploaded by Purdanxiety

Visit the land of dirty dishes at my house, revel in my laziness!

Thursday morning

So today is the promised day off that I have taken to work on school projects...I have been at my computer for 2 hours and haven't done anything yet...but I am quite relaxed, and I have already made some major headway with my articles for Global Voices. I have been trying to write stuff for them whenever I see it, rather than try to do it all at the end of the week...while this seems to be a good plan, I hope that I can keep it up.

Hope that you enjoyed the pictures...for those of you who know my boss it is a once in a lifetime opportunity.

As promised, bowling photos!

Kate and "I" bowling-never thought that you would see that would you?


"I" cheering





and the best shot of the evening, after three games of bowling, this is how we started to bowl!


No bowling evening could be complete without a bum shot of Mr.3!

Bowling!

I don't remember ever hurting this much the last time I bowled, Mr.3 and I both feel like we are ninety. The bowling went well, and even though we are all in pain this morning, everyone had a blast. I do have pictures, which I will post a few of them later today.
Other than that, nothing else has happened. Yesterday I worked all day on an article and didn't do a lick of work...so I guess I will try to tackle the website again today, it kept freezing up on Monday so wish me luck.

what to blog, what to blog...

Well as to the personal news that I am willing to make public...I got the acceptance letter from the Linguistics department. It is nice being a legitimate student again. And even if things change in the Spring, or if they don't, I at least know that I have things handled here in Utah.

I have also come to appreciate that while the bug annoys me a lot of the time, she has some damn juicy gossip.

Yesterday we had the going away party for Rebecca, and with MESA and Thanksgiving the only time we all of the office can get together to say goodbye to Kate is tonight. So we are going BOWLING! Which as corny as it sounds will be lots of fun for all, and it will be a good time for us all to hang out as a family before people leave the nest again. With all of these people leaving I wonder what it would be like when I go... Knowing my luck they will end up putting me in charge of part of the planning for my own party...Ugh!

Another Sunday spent in bed

For the second week in a row, Mr.3 and I have spent Sunday refusing to the leave the bedroom....and no, it isn't some massive lovefest but rather just a day to completely relax. Granted I haven't done a lick of the huge amount of homework that I need to do, but at least I feel recharged to be stressed again another day!

So yesterday in the course of writing my Turkish article I have found a new favorite blog, it's called ISBN 9760806 and while it is in Turkish, it has fantastic links! And then it has lead me to cool music site called Kikapu Net Label which has some great music downloads as well as anther site called Undomondo. Great fun for all, or which I really need to add to my blog list of things...if only I could remember by Blogrolling account info!! I am thinking of just adding links onto the template directly. That is all for the moment.

Global Voices and work

I find that doing the Kurdish roundup for Global Voices is also so much easier than the roundup for the Turkish groups. At least with the Kurdish ones, there is a limited number in English, and my Kurdish is nonexistant so I don't worry about the other ones....but with Turkish I can read everything and hunting through 1000+ blogs is time consuming, but it fasinates me. I try to work on my article ahead of time but I almost feel that I need to read the Turkish blogs uninterrupted...which I can't do too well at work.

Speaking of work, I wanted to go home early on Friday, actually I asked for the day off...a request that was ignored. So I worked on Friday, I was a good busy bee and got a lot of stuff completed on the new website. Then at 5, "I" hangs me this monster document that he needs scanned. I stayed working on it until 7:30 and then finished it later at home. I worked 12.5 hours on Friday. But the grant is almost finished, they are just doing re-edits on it this weekend, and Kate said that if she needed me that she would call. The bug however was delighted that there were a bunch of people in the office after 5...and she spent a hour in the office just talking away to "I" of Kate as I was working away. So I made sure to ask Kate if she had my phone number to call me in on Saturday if she needed me. I may not have enjoyed working late, but at least I managed to get the self-satisfaction of showing the bug in an indirect way that I am more valuable at the office than she is. Either way, I still don't get paid enough...which is why I get more praise from my superiors in the office...because they know that I am underpaid for the amount of work that I do in the office in comparison to "other" persons in the office.

First Meeting

This morning Mr.3 notified me that today was the anniversary of him first coming in to the Center and meeting me. Who would have known from that first day, where I had been to the dentist in the morning, and I asked him, a complete stranger, if I was drooling all over myself from the novacaine, that he would have been with me a year later. Ahh...love.


I got the best call at work today...

"Is this the place where Neil Diamond is playing."

"No sir, you have called the Middle East Center"

"Are you sure Neil Diamond isn't playing, it is supposed to be at the E-Center"

"No sir, you called the MIDDLE EAST Center, we don't have concerts here."

This is definitely one that should go down in the record books. I think that made my day, but I haven't started in again with the website so it might ruin it all. Ok, time to go back to work.

yes, twice in the same day...

I have discovered that I can't work for more than an hour at a time with the new website thing as I seriously fear for my computer screen's safety. Plus I should keep the swearing down in the office.

During class today I was wondering what it would be like just to go to school and not work. I have always had a combination of one or two jobs, working full time, throughout college. Currently just about everyone in my immediate circle of friends is just going to school, and somehow, it seems to occupy all of their time. They are constantly worried about their papers and the reading that they have to do...and it makes me wonder if I am really missing something. I am staying up on the reading, and I have done a minimal amount of work on some of my projects....I feel like I am on the same plane as all of them. But the difference in time sorta bugs me...am I missing out on alot, or am I just a time-managment goddess? Anyone who looked at the amount of laundry I haven't done, or dishes/other chores that I haven't finished would disagree with the time goddess thing. So am I missing out on something....could I be so much more? Am I wasting potential?

God, I hate when I start asking questions like these to myself because there is no answer in the end.

More website complaints

I looked at the new site today for the Center and I don't think that I can fully express into words how pissed off I am. You can definitely tell that they used us for their donors...and why not we make money for the university don't we?, we raise it in prestige don't we?....putzes. They made formating changes to the work that I had done and added in pictures in various places to make it look more "middle Eastern" and the photos are not what should be there. Because if I have learned one thing working here, everything is political in this office, even seemingly innocent pictures! Who cares for ingretity anymore!?! No, let's just hijack someone's site that they put a lot of hard work into, change everything, and pretend that they have really let the webmasters control things like they said. At first it was that they were taking away all responsibility for the website, then they gave it back, then they took over again to manipulate everything for their own purposes, and then give back control just in time to let someone else take the fall for their incompetence!

I am so furious! And I want to know why Languages and Literature still have their old site up---I'm sorry but if I am inconvienced everyone should be inconvienced!

tiny little tea glasses

so I have started to blog multiple times this weekend, but I keep getting distracted.

Stupidly I looked at the pay sheet today and found out (damn my curiosity!) that I am in fact the lowest paid person in my office...even the people who work 30 hours a week take home more than I do. I am not sure how I really feel about this in general. Everyone tells me that the office doesn't run when I am there, you are such a good worker, how they wouldn't have managed without me....yada yada yada and so on and so forth. I guess this explains the continual verbal praises from my superiors, which I appreciate, but now it is obvious that they do that because they know that I would leave if I really knew the whole situation. Don't get me wrong, I love my job and my office but why should people that I continually have to pick up after get paid more than me? If I do more work, higher quality work, frickin' reliable and timely work, why shouldn't I get paid more? Mr.3 says that I should stand up for myself and demand more money...unfortuately I already know that it wouldn't work because of the tight constraints but on the Center by the grant already. I guess that I am just finding more and more reason to not feel guilty for goofing off at work or doing homework on the clock.

Speaking of the grant Friday was an absolute bear! The big three got together and were working on the grant, and so I was being asked to do task after task, each with the proviso that it was to be done "when I had time", but would be asked five minutes later why it wasn't ready for them. It was just a lot of stuff to do and as I am running around trying to make everyone happy, the bug would continually ask me what I am doing and if she can see the graphs that I made from the info she gave the committee last week. Then of course she would muse and ask me if I thought that the big three would like a certain bit of information that she would be able to get for them. The answer of course would be "yes", but as she was on her way to triumphantly tell them what she was capable of doing, I notified her that if she told them that she could get the info they would want it today. That stopped her in her tracks, not because she shouldn't already have the information somewhere in her files if she actually did the work that she was supposed to do, but it stopped her because, as she said, "oh, that would probably take me two weeks to get all of that." Oh pla-lease! The academic advisor should have the information on the number of new undergraduates at her fingertips! But then again, to update 3 rather small tables it took her a week, staying until 8 pm at least each night (no, no, she isn't trying to avoid her husband),with trying to get an extension on her deadline...whereas I had to get all of the enrollment numbers from 1999 onwards in 800 different permentations in less time than that! Thank god I have actually been keeping up on my reports. I so have just wanted to smack her this week. Fortuately she was sick today and a calm decended upon the office....ah, too bad it will end tomorrow.

To add to my frustation the College decided that it wasn't going to wait for departments to finish updating the websites to the new system as they promised before, but that they were just going to turn the old sites off and the new sites on. So in order to "please the donors" and make them believe that they really finished the work that they were paid to do, they basically screwed everyone over. I wasn't even able to upload documents until last week...but it doesn't matter does it? After all I am just the lowest person in the office and as shit falls downhill I am once again covered in the smelly stuff.

So now, I am playing around on my computer at home as I am trying to avoid the phonetics reading that I have left to do before class tomorrow. I did some of my reading, really I did. But gulping down tiny tea glass one after another seems to be a much more productive and calming application of my free time.

Gross!

Last night as I was agoin' to the loo I had my eyeglasses on the top of my head, and as I was getting up to flush they fell off...right into the the still unflushed toilet. It was so gross. I know that fresh pee is supposed to be antiseptic, but that doesn't make it any better and I am sure that the 15 minutes spent disinfecting my glasses could have been put to better use.

I didn't go to Steph's party last night because I wasn't feeling well(and I am sure that she just hates me at the moment for letting her down)...while I did manage to get some reading done for class (I'm gonna get in good with my L2 teacher if it is the last thing that I ever do!) we had a total of 5 trick-or-treaters, not one of which was under the age of 15. I gave them candy anyway, just for the nerve.

This morning there have been more goofy politicty things with the bug which are driving me nuts. I am tired of being part of the politics in the office, and I am tired of the bug dragging Mr.3 into absolutely everything...so as she stalks me she stalks him as well. Mr.3 and I have talked about leaving the U next fall for a different academic venue...and while we are only in the "discussion" stage of this new venture, everyday something happens here at work that makes it seem like a better and better option..unfortuately all of those things seem to stem from the bug, but even if she were fired tomorrow I think that I might feel the same way that I do now. When Mr.3 first made the suggestion originally I was a little shocked (for about 2 seconds) and now I just feel like a huge weight has been lifted off of my shoulders, like anything is possible again....I haven't felt like that in a long, long time.

The Spooky House and Sugar

This weekend, we (that being Mr.3 and I) went down to Price to see my brother's haunted house. It was nice to be back at the house, but I forgot how uncomfortable the spare bed really is....however it is infinitely nicer than the pull-out couch that manages to stick a pole in your back no matter how or where you lay or the percariously top bunk in my brother's room...but needless to say I am much more tired than I should be.

We were originally intending to drive down on Saturday night, but we went on Friday instead (which happened to be Mr.3 and I's 11-month anniversary-yes I know that it is silly). We brought some Chili to my Dad at work and then went over to the Haunted House to go help my Mom collect tickets. Mr.3 watched the desk as my Mom and I went in. Jimmy did all of the artistic designs of the place, and the chorgraphy and directing of the other actors. For being teenagers with a couple of weeks to put it together and so on, they did a fabulous job. Yes, I did get scared, and yes (something which Jimmy and all of his friends won't let me live down) I ran when confronted with the chainsaw guy.

Saturday afternoon my mom, Mr.3 and I went down to help set up a little bit. Jimmy gave Mr.3 the detailed walk through, which was hilarious as Jimmy was bouncing off the walls to begin with and then with him going "this is the polka dot room, there is someone that will be here doing this, and then someone will right here and step out at you just when you least expect them to..." it was one of those things where you either needed to be there or in another medium where I can act some of it out. Then later in the evening Mr.3 and I took my parents out for dinner at the JB's, which unfortuately one of the swanky-ist places in town, then we watched a movie. It was like a double-date and my parents seemed to enjoy it very much.

Yesterday morning we made a full breakfast, much to the surprise of my mom. Other than that, I did basically nothing, although I had/have a ton of homework to do. The drive back nearly killed me as I was so tired I could hardly stay awake and the same goes for today. I have been trying to stay awake at work, but there is a limit to productivity under my current extreme conditions....and caffine and sugar aren't working! My mom was ever so nice to supply us with a bag of some of the candy that they will be giving out, but man, you would think that the huge amount of sugar and caffine would make me awake or jittery but sadly, neither...I just want to sleep and sleep and sleep.

Emotional Day

I thought that I was doing well today, but I guess that I am not.
Went in to talk to my Phonetics teacher today only to burst into tears at the mention of my graduate program. This weekend I came to the conclusion that I have been utterly fucked over by MEC in terms of my graduate program. Granted I work here as well, and I love working here, but I got fucked over hard and I am not sure what to do.

When I originally went in to talk to the advisor in Linguistics, I had told him that theorectial linguistics really appealed to me, but that I also wanted to teach. So he had me apply for Applied Linguistics. After talking to my Phonetics teacher she told me that it sounded as if applied was not really what I was interested in and that theorectial is where I probably should be. Either way, I applied for Applied with the deadline being last week. I am not sure if I will be accepted anyway because of the problem of being told that I didn't need to reapply to the graduate school and then finding out at the absolute last minute that I did. Which means that my file is incomplete and that I am probably not going to be accepted anyway.

Which ultimately means that I am completely and totally fucked.

Turtle Porn?

So on Thursday I am at home half dead, and as I am going to the restroom, I walk into the room that my Turtles are in and I discover Scooter attempting to mount Zippy. First of all, in order for Turtles to "assume the position" so to speak it requires that the mounting turtle lock both legs into the hips of the mountee turtle, which Scooter is unable to do as he has only one leg in the back. Second of all, Zippy was going to have none of it as he was completely locked up. And lastly....they are both male. Of course when I walked in Scooter shot me a nasty look as if to say "do you mind?" and well...I did...I took a photo on my cell phone, and the one I took with my digital camera turned out too fuzzy to post. The entire time that I was in the bathroom I could hear Scooter scratching on Zippy's cell trying to get him to "come out". It was so creepy and later when the noises stopped I went in and Scooter was trying to coax Zippy out as if he wanted to cuddle with him.

Besides the strangeness of walking in on something like that, it is also the question that well...what do you do when you walk in on an attempt of Turtle rape? It is like watching a pond of ducks and seeing a group of boy ducks gang rape a girl duck...it is appropiate to intervene on the rape of another species? It was so strange and I am not sure how to process it.

What does a nervous breakdown look like?

I think that I might have had one yesterday but I am not sure. On Wednesday night I found out that I had to re-apply to the Graduate School for my application to the Linguistics degree...the bug had told me that I didn't need to worry about it because I was already accepted to the grad school. Applications to the grad school need to be in a month before the department deadline...the deadline being this Friday. So I ended up paniking, because I am having anxiety over getting accepted to begin with-and I don't feel like I am doing well in any respects...so that was one thing that added to my panic plate.

Yesterday morning I went to work, although I felt awful. I managed to stay an hour and a half before I went home. I was weak and dizzy, couldn't breathe...clearly I had the same thing that Mr.3 had earlier in the week. But I was surprised that I made it home, because I just wanted to collapse. When I finally got inside and into bed I was dilirious, talking to myself, crying...almost wailing...I completely creeped myself out, but it was like I was watching myself freak out it. It was odd. But I was babbling everything that I had been worrying about for the past couple months or so.

I feel better now, but a little disconnected. I am staying home from work again, and I think that I am going to call the doctor to see if I can get in today. Hopefully I just have a flu cold and not something worse.

Beware! The potheads are out!

A guy just came into my office wondering if I could tell him where his brother Pat's class is at. I can't look up student schedules...but then again this guy also had no idea what class his brother was taking..."uh...it's a language class, copts or latin or something hard". He was almost as creepy as the guy who came in yesterday wanting to know if he could dial 411 on my phone to find the phone number to a local taco bell because he had a job interview with them today. I must find that neon sign that is somewhere on campus directing all the crazies to my office and destroy it.

Why I can't be trusted with my own hygiene

Well, Darren and his band were playing and I made an effort and went. I am glad that I did, because not too many people were there...come on, a Monday night in Utah, you couldn't expect much to begin with.

As I was waiting for Libby to come down and meet me, I decided to take a quick shower to freshen up, and I thought that I would put some nair on my upper lip, and while I was waiting for the nair to do its stuff, I thought that I would pluck my eyebrows. After about 2 or 3 hairs, I realized that I was really too lazy to pluck, so I got out this mini eyebrow trimmer to do the job...slipped up, and now one of my eyebrows is a fourth shorter than it should be. I tried to even the other one up, but it didn't work to well. Mr.3 and Libby said that it wasn't too noticeable, but I feel stupid just the same. Plus, while going to the bathroom earlier I managed to hit my head on the doorknob in the bathroom. Still unclear on how I managed to pull that one off, but it did hurt.

Darren's show was great. There was Libby and I, 2 old freaky guys who were roommates but advocated that "they liked girls too" (oh so creepy) and three other girls who considered themselves as their "bestest fans". One of them was friends with the band guys from before, and they had been staying with her...so I see her as legit. But the other 2 were wanna-be groupies. One had pigtails and was completely gone before the show even started--it was fun to watch Darren mess with her head-- but she kept introducing herself and then asking/screaming "how do you know the band!?!" And of course when she finds out that Darren and I grew up together and are family she was all over it...man she was annoying. And for "groupies" they didn't exactly make an effort to look too nice to get the attention of the band members...well any effort that they would make would have to be monumental as the starting base was so bad. If these girls were attempting to be groupies for some 80's hair band/psuedo metal group, they would be the girls that they would make fist themselves in a tub of coleslaw, just to see if they would do it. Unfortuately these girls would be the type to do something like that so that they could say that they "hung out with the band". Ugh, it was revolting. Then the pigtail-girl's friend was doing this strange modern dance thing and was using the entire dance floor. For a while I thought that she was doing jazzercise and I am sure that she would have benefited from having those 3 tiered stages for low-mid-and-high impact exercises.

But back to the show, they played a great set. And I am really glad that I went because you could see that it really mattered to Darren that I went. Plus it was a chance to go out with Libby, who I haven't seen in a little while. The owner also gave us comp tickets for a show on Friday night. I am not sure that I will go, but I am sure that I can give them to someone else to use.

Workplace question...

Every have one of those days at work where you feel like you have somehow pissed everyone off, but you don't know what you did?

Good News

I heard yesterday that my grandfather DOES NOT have the fatal pancreatic cancer, but the treatable Hodkin's Lympauma (spelled really wrong). Yeah, it is still cancer, but there is no timeline anymore. He can go through Chemo and still live for years and years. Thank god! I feel like a huge weight has been lifted from me.

Just thought that I would let you know.

Wednesday wrap-up

I called my grandpa last night to wish him a Happy Birthday, it was difficult because you can tell how much he has gone downhill. What seemed more disturbing was my grandma, who seemed REALLY out of it. She had to be hospitalized on Monday night because she hasn't been drinking enough water and things were drying up leaving her constaipated and unable to pee. They kept her overnight and released her in time for grandpa's party.

The MEC is starting the first of it's lecture series today with Rami Khouri speaking. Last night he spoke at the Utah chapter of the Committee on Foreign Relations. Mr.3 and I got invited to the dinner and talk. I made an effort to look nice. I curled my hair, makeup heels the whole shabang. One of the new graduate students in the department (who happens to be WAY to much like the bug for comfort) told me that I was a very beautiful woman when I tried to be. Which is a nice compliment but the way she said it was implying that I am not pretty otherwise. So I made a joke about that and no, she was serious. I apparently am only a good-looking woman when I have make-up and heels on. You don't say that to people in polite society. You tell them that they clean up nice, but you don't point out that they are ugly but with makeup you are alright. The comment really bothered me. I think that what really gets to the rub of it is that she didn't realize that she had insulted me first, and when the insult was pointed out she reaffirmed it. But as I said not only is H (that is how we shall distinguish her) alot like the bug, the two of them are firm friends as well. And honestly what can you expect from a person like that? The bug told a pregnant woman that used to work in the office with us that she was too fat! Excuse me, she's pregnant! I just weep for humanity sometimes.

And more news on the Global Voices front...they have started having me cover the Turkish blogs as well, which gives me an excellent chance to work on my language skills...I feel like I am stagnating and this should help. Feedback from other Turks have been most positive on the site.

Behold the power of the lime green pants!

So Saturday I mosied on over to Kmart to restock on household supplies and I found these incredibly obnoxious pair of lime-green capri pants for $3. Under those conditions I had to get them, I also got an 80 cent pair of shorts. I got some other items of a cleaning nature that seem to delight only me, but what can you do? There has been some pledge multi-purpose cleaner for wood that I have been dying to try out...our kitchen floor has been getting quite spotted, and I also got dish soap with bleach in it, and I absolutely love it! The soap lasts for a lot longer and cleans much better than our old stuff. Now we still have this never ending pile of dishes that will not go away...no matter how many hours a day I seem to work on them. Not being able to get them done disturbs me. I think it is part of my perfectionist nature, I want to have all the housework done so that the house is always clean, I want to be caught up on the laundry, I want to be caught up on my homework and still have time to rest, work out and write everyday. Yeah, yeah...I know everyone wants to do the same impossible thing, but I am finding that my inability to manage this is causing me anxiety which seems to translate over into a headache. That is the other odd thing...if I stress about something it seems to give me an immediate headache.

Let's move to the stressors....my family is now in California with my grandpa. And although I am unable to go I really wish that I was there, but I am sure that I would just internalize everything there as well. My mom said that my grandfather was really thin and they are worried that my grandmother might be showing signs of early onset alzehimers. My uncle, the hermit, is down there as well mooching off my grandparents on his visit and is trying to take control of the situation. He actually tried to tell my Mom not to come and see them at all yesterday...and I'm sorry but she is there ONLY to see my grandfather and my uncle trying to be "the man" isn't going to stop her. Perhaps it is best that I am not there, I wouldn't hold my tongue at all. And my little brother Jimmy turns 17 today, and I think that not being there for that makes me a little sad as well.

Back to the lime green pants...I wore them yesterday, and they are so awful they are fun. Mr.3 indulged me, but if he saw anyone else where them he would have said something. I am hoping that he finds my nerve endearing. When the sun would hit them, they would blind you...yep, they are that cool. Oh and Mr.3 and I have hit new levels of domesticity....we are getting checks with both of our names on them. It is something that I have been wanting to do for a while...and the checks are cool....tropical frogs.

Ramadan guilt?

Yesterday was the official start of Ramadan and I still haven't started to fast yet. Normally I am completely psyched out for Ramadan and can't wait to start...and now, I just can't. It isn't a faith thing, it is just that my head is not in the right place for anything at the moment. I feel like I have a constant cold and little things are turning into major stressors to the point that my stomach hurts the majority of the time. You know you look bad when you boss looks at you and says that you look really tired and suggests that you go home...
So I am not fasting. I feel an odd sense of guilt, not that I am beholden to everyone about my religious committments but in the past I have always felt a huge sense of accomplishment after finishing the month.
Ugh.
I hope this all ends soon.

No More Freakin' Spam Comments

Do not, I repeat, DO NOT use my blog comments to peddle your own sites! It isn't welcome!

whheeee....

FLU-INDUCED DELIRUM!

I am home from work today because I have this weird flu thing that Mr.3 got from a friend of his...the bastard! I hate to miss work, but yesterday when this started to hit I was worthless and I would have been the same if not worse today....I don't know, can you get worse that worthless? Probably.
I have missed class too...and you get marked off if you aren't in there...my partner probably hates me now.

The right and the wrong way to protest...

Coming from a protest background, I found the protests this last weekend in washington DC interesting. Unfortuately I don't have the energy to link to very much today, so you are going to get the raw version from me.

1. Did you see the huge list of groups that supported the protest?! Every one who was angry at another person was there. Too many groups means too many messages being put out there conflicting with each other. Its like watching an entire days worth of commercials and then trying to go to the store afterwards.

2. I understand that celebrities have name power, but I honestly don't have any respect for artists like Barbara Streisand and Jessica Lange who seem to think that by being a star means that they know what they are talking about. In fact the ONLY celebrity that I have real respect for in terms of protesting against the government is Martin Sheen. He has been arrested 30+ times for protesting one thing or another, but you don't seem him out there at these free-for-all rallies trying to get a photo-op out of it. He protests because he really believes in what he is doing.

3. Cindy Sheehan drives me nuts. She is out of control. The recent pictures of her getting arrested in front of the white house, smiling as she is being hauled away, telling the cameras that the world is watching. She formed an ILLEGAL protest, plus she became a security threat by blocking the areas in front of the white house with the press crowd that follows her around. If I was a terrorist and wanted to strike terror into the hearts of a lot of Americans, I would have staged something at that fiasco she created. The panik would be huge! And the police there would be focused on crowd control not trying to help people. When you are protesting in DC, you want the police on your side, not against you. That, and poor Cindy, is not the prettiest of "faces of the anti-war movement" they could have found. Cindy is not the Mom stereotype at all, and that is really who you need to have if you want any credibilty with the public. The term is typecasting, all the Hollywood people should know what that is.

4. Going along with the anger over the illegal protest thing...I find that there is very little to no appreciation of their ability to free speech. I am very proud to be an American, but I didn't fully understand that aspect of my personality until I was out of the country. One time when I was in Diyarbakir I was sitting in a bookstore talking about Globalism with a Kurdish friend of a friend. When he asked me what I thought about the west's affect on the Middle East, I was very opininated about my displeasure with some of America's actions. After I finished my rant, my friend looked at me stunned. When I asked him why he was quiet, he only told me that he wished that he could openly state how he felt without the fear of imprisonment. Americans are very lucky and don't appreciate it at all, nor do they even understand the importance of what they have. Read my friend Rob's recent post on the protests held in Salt Lake, you will see what I mean.

It Came!

So I have been wanting this book for absolute ages and I finally got around to getting it, although I am still racked with guilt over its price....but...but....I really wanted it!!...(foot stamp, foot stamp)....I did....and I have been wanting it for over a year!!! I can actually say this because last year around this time was the famed Kurdish Human Rights Conference in San Fran that I went to and I got an opportunity to really look through it. Anyway, here is a picture of this fabulous book.



I also got another book on Phonetics and now I am in Linguistics Heaven!

Now if only I could get my act together and get some school work done, but that is for another day.

take the "what's your dark secret?" quiz
| courtesy of mewing.net. where darkness and secrecy abound.

MRI round 3# and other stuff

Ok, so my MRI was last week, and I probably should have posted earlier but well, you just missed out I guess.

Well they got it right finally and put me out with an IV drip. I did wake up inside the tube and quickly paniked. The nurse told me to wiggle my toes if I was in trouble and I was wiggling my little foot off. I knew that I couldn't move in the tube because of the test, but I also knew that I couldn't move because my mind was awake but my body was not. So I start taking huge panik breaths and begin to cry. Finally....it seemed like forever but it was probably only a few seconds...the nurse put her hand on my leg and asked if I was alright. I told her I was awake and couldn't handle it...so I am guessing that she gave me more drugs. But with the panic attack my oxygen rate went really low and I supposedly had to have an oxygen mask when I got out. About waking up, I guess that I am a little angry coming out of the drugs. I yelled at the guy who was taking me on a gurney to step-down recovery, but that was because he pulled on my IV, wouldn't let me take the oxygen out of my nose and wouldn't--the greatest injustice of all--let me lay on my stomach and just sleep. In step-down recovery the nurse annoyed me because she wouldn't let me go home, kept leaving the door open, and had stuck me in some easy chair thing to wake up in. I can't sleep sitting up, so I complained about that. Mr.3 tells me that I said a bunch of goofy stuff and was unusually mean to people...but it was amusing so I guess that it is all ok.

The next 24 hours was kinda fun as well. My parents were going to be staying the weekend and I had to clean the house...which was done with much stumbling around. I was in a hurry to finish sweeping and was running around with it. Mr.3 got in my way towards the kitchen and stopped me. I told him that I was racing the broom and that it won, which I thought was incredibly witty, but he just downgraded the comment to more drug induced haze. I couldn't drive on Saturday so we had to wait for my Mom to drive up from Price to pick us up and take us to the Rocket weekend. It was 1 by the time we got there, but we were definitely there in time to watch my Dad melt a rocket on the launch pad. He forgot to put the metal casing around the engine. So when they hit the igniter the nosecone blew off, the engine fired and then started to flame the fins, then the secondary shoot popped...it was priceless...and also the first time I have seen the fire extinguishers used out in the field.

The rest of the week was alright, I guess...even though I spent a bunch a time this weekend trying to get ahead of the homework, I seemed to have spent a large amount of time at work trying to finish various assignments. I think that if I print off everything that I am going to need for the next week tomorrow at work I should be fine. I would do it here, but we need more ink and Firefox has decided to stop spurning PDF's and my excel seems to be missing. I think that I might have a virus of some sort but I keep running checks to no avail. But currently the Utah/Air Force game is going on and the commentators won't just shut up and let me watch the game. The score is Utah 38, Air Force 28 with 2 minutes left in the 4th...I predict a Utah win. And CSI premired tonight, which we recorded because of the game, so the nice thing about this is a commerical free CSI.

Oh, and I should tell you about my IV bruise...it's fricking huge! 3 inches by 3 inches on my forearm...I took like I was beaten and even if I have my jacket on, somehow it still seems to show. The bruise has faded a bit, so now it looks like I have been bitten with some old ladies dentures. It still is a little sore to the touch but at least I don't have to go back for another MRI!

Ahhh! It's up!

Ok, so I am such a dork, but I am excited anyway. My first post on Global Voices is up and I am so excited I could just pee myself. (I won't because I am at work, but you get the idea) That and I have taken a new step in bravery as I used my real name.

MRI round 2

So no matter how many times I told the people that I needed to be fully sedated for the MRI they didn't listen to me.
When we got to the hospital last night their idea of "sedation" was to give me 2 valium. Even though I told them that Valium doesn't work for me and never has. But no...apparently I don't know anything about my body...and golly gee, who was right in this situation? Yep, that's right...me. Guess who still freaked out in the tube? Yep, that's right....me. Luckily the Radiologist on duty was incredibly sympathetic and was upset with her people when she saw in my file that I was in fact to be sedated....as in completely knocked out for the test. So now, I have another appointment for Friday morning....having to miss yet more work....but hopefully this time they will get it right and sedate me like they are supposed to.

Surprisingly to the hospital staff, even with 2 Valium in my system (which was supposed to make me really sleepy) I still managed to be quite livid. Idiots.

Watch it, with my luck this week, the jury duty call will be on Friday....ugh...I have to wait until 5 pm to call and find out about tomorrow....this annoys me as well.

The Straight Talk on my Health

Part of the reason why I have been so quiet this week, is that I have been having a bit of a health crisis. On Wednesday I had my long awaited appointment with the neuro-opthomalogist, Dr. Warner. As promised the appointment was over 3 hours long, and I had a bunch of interesting eye tests done (they also took pictures of my optic nerves which was pretty cool)...so the long and the short of it is that I have what I thought I have, which is a relapse of my psuedo tumor cerebri. The only preventative cure for this is permanent weight loss (which is what I did in 1997 when I was first diagnosed), the relapse was triggered by my recent I'm-so-happy-in-love-with-Mr3-weight gain. The good news really is that I went into the doctor sooner rather than later, and I can start working on things before the symptoms get too bad (headaches, migraines, dizziness...I could go blind---fun stuff all the way around). I have a follow-up appointment in December in which basically I was told, lose weight or get another spinal tap done...which is something that I cannot go through again. The first time was bad enough...a second time and I would definitely have a nervous breathdown. Last Friday I was supposed to get another MRI done. Now I have had one before, I wasn't sedated, and I did have a mild panic attack. So I thought that I could handle it. I couldn't. They hadn't even put me in all the way inside the tube before I completely lost it. I mean really lost it. I was crying hysterically and thought that I was going to die. I cried in the waiting room for 45 minutes after I got redressed. So I am going to go back in on Monday evening and have them sedate me. Honestly I have never been that scared (or claustraphobic) in my life before. Even typing about it now 2 days after the fact I start to shake. I think what is happening to me is that a lot of the baggage from the first dianogsis is hitting me again, but in a condensed form. The first time it took over 2 years, going to doctor after doctor, to get a dianogsis. I really don't know how I survived the last year of high school as I was having daily migraines. At one point in our oddesey I was told that I had a brain tumor, a brain aneurism, or absolutely nothing wrong with me. That is hard for an 18 year old to take, and even though I know what is wrong with me now, it is hitting this 26 year old much much harder than before.

Next month, I am supposed to go to California for my Grandpa's birthday party, and I decided today that I am not going. I can hardly handle my own stuff right now, a dying grandfather would be beyound my grasp. Yes, I know that it is selfish, but I do plan on going to visit him later in the year, after the semester ends, so that I can have some quality time with him and introduce him to Mr.3. I was sad when I told my mom this, but she understands. Grandpa will just have to as well.

So now you know...you know that I am a nutcase who can't handle things that I should be able too...you know that I am a selfish person who prioritizes family events by her own level of emotional stabilty...and you know that you are perhaps getting the most honest protrayal of my mental state at the moment. I would like to say that I feel bad about California, but I feel really relieved. I only hope that I can hold it together for tomorrow. One day at a time, baby steps....

Girlfriends points....

This was a post that I had intended to post last weekend.

So Mr.3 loves college football and wanted to get the ESPN gameplan for all of the college bowl games, so we got it. I ,on the other hand, did not know anything about football except that tounchdowns are good. So in an effort of trying to be more connected to my love I learned about football, and for the past 2 weekends I have watched and cheered for many games. Today, I felt quite triumpant when I was able to accurately yell "that was offsides!" and "where is the penalty flag?!" Over the course of this week I have talked to many people about football, and all the guys look at me in awe at the fact that I bothered to learn about football. I have been told by Mr.3 that I have earned major girlfriend points (although I am not sure what the redemption scale is for them ;) ). The funny thing is that when I mention football to girls they all freak out and say that they can't stand it. Which is silly. Football isn't that bad. You need to learn to find some of the fun things in it....watching some of those linebakers knock people down like they are wibbly-wobblys is quite fun. Plus, it is an excellent time to cuddle and half-time is great for general making out. You don't have to dress nice, just lounge around the house in your PJs. All that really matters is that by taking the extra time to learn about something new (and you might find that you like it) and you end up connecting deeper with your man.

Last Monday was the opening of Florida State's football (Mr.3 is a huge fan) and I spent most of the day cleaning to get ready for our guests (we had ribs and chicken wings and a bunch of other stuff). Anyway, we had bought a 'best of the 80's CD' the other day at Costco and I had yet to listen to it. Unfortuately, the music sent me back in time to a 80's film cleaning montage. The worst was mopping the floor and listening to "Walking on Sunshine", "Dancing with Myself" and "We got the beat", suddenly I felt like all I needed was to start a carwash for charity and have some zany goofy character get hit in the face with a sponge. Yeah, it was that kind of a weekend....I only wish that I could say that the following week could have been the same.

WTF is up with New Orleans

Katrina was awful and it is a huge disaster and the people affected really DO need to get help.

But the hell is up with the people there? Rapes and murders IN THE ASTRODOME! Your grandmother dies in her wheelchair and you throw a sheet over her and walk away? I understand that you would be in a crisis situation, but come on? Where is the human element? Shooting at the very helicopters that are coming to rescue you? What purpose does that do? And on the news they say that it is only a few loonies who are causing the problem....a few....no I think that there are much much more than that...

And all of the bad stuff you are hearing is from the people in New Orleans....which has generations of people on the welfare system, people who are content to stay poor (well, they make more than I do) and use the system for all that they can...they feel entitled to everything....there is no patience, only demands. The tourists trapped there seem to be the only sane ones, they are trying to help others, and be patient with the authorities, but they are scared to death of the locals because the locals are praying on them. And the looting....what the hell do you need a bunch of Nikes for if you have nothing else?

The situation is just sad...and embarassing....
If you look at the rhetoric that came from the President around 9/11, you heard alot about Americans pulling together and being stronger in a crisis..etc..etc..etc... But you aren't hearing this with Hurricane Katrina. I think the reason why is because of the lawless element in New Orleans (the murder capital of the US by the way), it is embarassing to say that Americans are good people if all of America acted like those in New Orleans.

I am not saying that there are not good people in New Orleans, there are. And there are many many people who are doing some wonderful things there....but it is the people that are causing the violence, the ones swarming the TV cameras for a chance at their 15 minutes of complaining to a national audience. Honestly, why is it that the doctors need to have bodyguards accompanying them to do their work? I mean really, what does that say about the society there if they are attacking the people who are trying to help them?

The President said today that the relief effort was not enough there, which might partly be true, but since you have thousands of people who aren't even willing to help themselves, how can the relief effort go well? I think that if this hit Texas, or Mississippi harder, or Florida, even Alabama harder, I think that the relief effort would have been able to progress much faster by this time because the people wouldn't be acting like those in New Orleans.

The prime example, is one of the news crews talking to a guy looting (not for food, but high label team jerseys and Nike shoes) asking him why he was doing it, he said, "well if you oppress people enough they are going to rebel"...DOES THIS GUY NOT KNOW THAT THERE IS A NATURAL DISASTER GOING ON!!!! What planet is he from, a hurricane has nothing to do with "oppressing the people", he is just another person there who is trying to take advantage of a situation.

stress cycles?

I am beginning to wonder if stress runs in cycles. Last year around this time I was dealing with JB and stupid Kani emotional stuff and my stomach freaked out and I ended up having to go to the doctor.
This week my stomach is hurting again, and I can feel the stress rising up within me to cause it. What I wonder, is it the time of year that is stressing me out, or does it just so happen that my life crashes into these waves of stress at the same basic time of the year, every year?
It ticks me off whatever it is.

But at least I can say that my homework for the stupid busy-work class is finally finished, that a skirt I didn't think would fit me did today....and most importantly, I know beyound a doubt that I am loved, very deeply loved, and that I am also deeply in love. So I guess that I would be better off to focus on that, wouldn't I?

catch up? No chance....

Things have been happening so fast lately that I can't even keep up with myself.

First, classes....they all should be fun, but my research methods class is riddled with busy work that we have to do in pairs....which will be way more time consuming than it should be. I have a great partner but we are both very busy, so we will see how this all works out.

Second, Friday was a great day. I got an invitation to be part of project called Global Voices, which I accepted. I am super excited about it. And it will also be an opportunity to keep up my Turkish language skills (I just found a whole bunch of Turkish blogs this weekend). I also got contacted by the BBC to do an interview about how Kurdish bloggers view the Iraq constitution. While I was incredibly flattered, I recommended some other people to him that would be a better commentator than I, but I still think that I am the last resort option is something goes wrong with his interview.

Third, well I don't know what third would be, so I guess you will have to make something up for yourself.... Oh wait! I finally got a copy of the Dresden Dolls album. It is excellent. A cross between punk, avante garde and cabaret, that and it is great angry girl music. Favorite line so far is "this passion is a plagarism".

Smelly stuff

I forgot to mention this. So this weekend I went searching for something to make the office smell better ---we had a steam pipe burst in the building and it still smells awful. So I found some stuff at Kmart, it is the kind of warm oil thing that you plug it. Only I have found that it is so strong that you can't leave it plugged it even on the lowest setting. So I guess that it will probably last a lot longer now that you don't have to plug it in. I only hope that it will be strong enough to counteract the smell of a particular foreign student in the department....keep your fingers crossed.

Tuesday?

Ok, so I think that I am pretty pathetic. I keep checking all of my regular blogs and wonder why no one has posted, when I realize that I have posted much either. You know that it is a bad blogging week when I have been outblogged by Mr.3 who blogs only when something really infuriates him...whereas I blog with my normal daily drivel.

Things are really starting to pick up here at work. I think that I forgot how to multitask at work and that I am having to relearn the process. But with more work means less boredom and "less whining" as my friend Jason recently told me. School starts tomorrow, and while I thought that I was ready for it, I don't think that I am. I don't think that the rest of my office is either. I had to get all of my classes approved by my boss (and the phone coverage schedule for the times that I am gone during the day). And today the bug, who has had the information for quite some time now, not only has forgot about it, but doesn't think that she will be able to cover the phones this Thursday. The last thing that I want is to be late for my first day of classes, but I might have too. I also might not because she thinks that she might not be able to be there because there is a student giving a defense that day. And while she insists that she needs to be there she really doesn't. Her predecessor rarely went to them because she had so many other things that she needed to do. I think that I can whine to our AA and win on this one.

ugh...she just called to tell me that I have a typo of the preliminary schedule...I messed up one letter on a professor's name.....yeah, I'll fix it, but I have other more pressing things today. Like...well I don't know, but I have already heard the latest about her husband and their history of marital counsoling, so I think that I have made my quota of "listening time" with the bug for today.

Grandpa

Yesterday was Mr.3's and my Mom's birthday so we all met in Provo for a family dinner. The dinner went well, there was lots of joking---Mr.3 and my brother are getting along really well. I just wish that I was able to give more gifts to my Mom and Mr.3 than what I was able to. I do like to spoil them. At the end of dinner my Mom said that she had 2 letters from my Grandpa that she wanted to read to us.

Now, last week, I know that my Grandpa was in the hospital. He was vomiting up black blood and he couldn't get up on his own. He was having a lot of tests done, and I was told that he had a bleeding ulcer. I had secretly thought that there was probably more was happening, but this was last wednesday and I was dealing with my own health stuff at the time. Actually my mom had told the truth to Mr.3 that day and they both decided that Wednesday was probably not the best day for me to handle ALL of the news. And I think that I am ok with that.

Anyway, we are at dinner and my mom starts to read this letter. The second the word cancer is mentioned my brother starts to wail, and I am trying to console him but hoping that he would just shut up so that I could hear the rest of the letter. anyway, about 5 minutes after she was done reading, he stopped crying and asked if he could go to the petstore because he wanted to look at getting a new tank. I think that he cried partly because that is supposed to be the thing to do. He has lost only one person, a family friend, before but never family. And I think that the relationship that I have with my grandfather is much deeper than his. Before my brother came along (9 years difference) I spent a couple weeks every summer with my grandparents, and they have always been very close to me. When Jimmy came along, my parents couldn't afford to send us anymore.

Cancer isn't a surprise with my grandpa. He was dianogsised with prostate cancer 10 years ago and they gave him 25 years at that point...and being 75 at the time, it wasn't really something to worry that much about. What he has been preliminarily diagnosed with is a little more serious. He has inoperable cancer of the pancreas and the liver, plus the bleeding ulcer on a tumor in his esophagas. Either way, with his general health and with the progression of the cancer, any surguries or chemo treatments would not improve the quality or quanitity of his life. I don't think that he would have chemo anyway. My materal grandmother died in my parent's first year of marriage of breast cancer and going through the chemo was very difficult for all to go through. The doctors give him 6 months to a year to live. But he is such a cranky old man that I think if we find something to annoy him he will stay around a lot longer.

I don't have a problem with him dying. You know that it is going to happen. We all have a 100% chance of dying anyway, so you have to learn to accept that. I think what really bothers me is the time limit, because all of a sudden you start thinking of milestones in your life that you want him to be around for. I want him to see me get married, to get my Masters degree, to see my first child. Jimmy wants him to see him graduate from high school. That is an impossible about of milestones to fit into the time frame alloted. I think that it would have been better if he just dropped dead because this pre-emptive grieving is killing me.

What we know for sure (besides that we are waiting for the results of more tests) is that he plans on going on vacation and that he wants to have a big birthday party (his 86th) that we will all be going to in October. Mr.3 and I were planning on some sort of a vacation this fall, this wasn't what we had in mind, but it will have to work.

A quiet morning

It has been fairly quiet this morning at work. Our AA is on vacation, so it would be the bug and I in the office today. But apparently her husband didn't have the money to fix their car and so she is trying to find solutions to the transportation issues that she is having. She has a noon appointment today so it might be 1pm before I have to talk to her in person. Not that I haven't already spoken to her on the phone, where she told me all about her exchange with her husband. And I am afraid that I have to stand with the deadbeat husband on this. He didn't ask her for money for the car because he was embarassed (or so he told her) instead of accepting that he admitted some weakness she proceeded to beat him down further. Taking advantage of every cheap shot she can take at him in the process. Not that either side in their marriage is innocent of one thing or another...but I can't give her any sympathy for being the penelope-type wounded wife when she acts in such a reprehensible way in the situation. If you want the moral high ground sympathy you need to actually walk that path, not think that it is just granted to you.
Yesterday she was mentioning how she was thinking that her husband was a little looney and that she must have been too distracted with raising their children to notice. First of all being "too distracted by your children"? Her children are and should be her pride and joy, but she shouldn't use them as an excuse after the fact to justify why she ignored her own husband for 30 years.

To make matters worse

One: This morning the bug was a half hour late, tells me that she is sorry and that she will make it up. (First I expected her to be late because our boss is on vacation this week and the bug is a creature of habit, and second, why the hell is she telling me?) So I mention that I am sure she has enough comp time to cover a half hour. At which point she tells me that she hasn't been keeping track of it. I can't believe it! The cow is ruining comp time for us all and she is too stupid to write it down! Ugh!

Two: Mr.3 and I were talking to a mutual friend yesterday who has had, for lack of a better word, a "priviledged" upbringing who announces that poor people are those that have to work for a living. Let's forgo the fact that this is an incredibly misguided statement, and the fact that she has never really met and talked with a truly "poor" person, and let's get to the fact that I don't think that I have ever been as offended by a comment than I was that one. Chalk it up to naivety but she was lucky that I didn't slap her.

Three: My klutziness is really beginning to depress me. Last night, Mr.3 and I were taking a walk when I tripped on the edge of the sidewalk, fell, and twisted my right ankle. But in the best of spirits, I got up and continued walking, only to trip again 15 minutes later and twist the OTHER ankle. So now I have the double-limp-waddle thing going on today. I am such a dork.

The bug's inquiry meeting...

So apparently I forgot to blog about the bug's official "we need to talk meeting" that happened last week. It was 2 hours long and it was her, the associate director of the center, the director of the center, and the administrative assistant. Unfortuately I couldn't hear to much of what was going on. I heard her cry several times and say "there is just too much going on". Big boo hoo. Anyway, I am not sure what is really happening with everything but I am glad that she has gotten into trouble, and I wouldn't mind it at all if she got into even more trouble about how much she messes things up. Anyway the run down of the meeting isn't that important but the little tidbit of information I just heard about is. The director and Mr.3 went out to lunch today and "I" told Mr.3 that the bug blamed Mr.3 with starting the conversation in the first place. Which of course prompted the question..."Are you telling me that he approached you about a scholarship which he didn't know about wanting to know why he came in second?" Yeah the lying cunt just walked into that one. I can't believe that she would lie like that! Then she also went on to say that Mr.3 is the one who will not go into her office to get things done....I have watched her stalk him down on many occasions. In fact on that morning when the whole scholarship fiasco happened she asked me where he was. She went to find him. UGH! I can't express how angry her lies have made me. I am only glad that she got caught in them. Even if they can't fire her over it, she should know that they don't trust her.

She STILL doesn't understand the DO NOT RELEASE policy. She even had to take a training quiz to be able to get people soft access and she has no clue. Basically if a student has a do not release of their records we can't even acknowledge that they even exist. How do I know that she doesn't understand the policy? Well earlier this week one of our professors wanted me to make an email list of all of his students, which was a mundane task of individually looking up every student. One of them didn't have a public record which means that they have a DO NOT RELEASE. She was in my office when I was grumbling about this, she wanted to know what was happening, so I told her. Then she procedes to tell me that I can look it up in people soft and give it to him....besides the fact that I do not have access...I can't because of the do not release...and she just didn't see why I couldn't give out the information...I'm sorry but it is federal law! So I printed out FERPA cards, which outlines the policy, and put them into everyone's boxes. But I refrained from highlighting parts on hers...oh I wanted to though.

And the other thing is....comp time. She is ruining it for the rest of us! She works from 8 to 7 on average with no lunches...Even with working all of this time she still can't finish her work or do it correctly. as the ibster said to Mr.3 "perhaps our Academic specialist is overburdened with her duties". Anyway when we were driving up to the ER we see her husband driving her ass off of campus at 8 pm. 8pm!!! Tell me honestly why anyone needs to be here that late? So I mention it to our AA, who shakes her head and says that she has asked the bug not to do that. because of her abuse of a pretty nice policy they are going to have to make offical rules for it so that now everything have to be approved by the Director. Why can't she do anything right?! She keeps pushing and pushing to see how much she can get away with and then everyone gets punished because they have to crack down. She won't resign or quit, she would only leave here if she was fired, and then she would find some way of suing over it. She has tried it in the past, why not now?

On Monday the bug and I got invited to a lunch with some students from the Turkish program...one of them is moving...and unfortuately I had to sit next to her. She was soo loud and obnoxious that you would have thought that she would have been drinking. Mr.3 says that vodka has no smell so you never know. And there was this one moment where someone made the mistake of asking about some problem she had had with the registrar's...and her voice got more shrill than normal and she was on the verge of tears...god it was annoying. You know I think that she is the kind of person who crys on command to get her way and gain sympathy, which is the worst type of woman and gives the rest of us a bad name. But even after breaking out into tears 2 or 3 times (she crys loud) in her 2 hour meeting, she has learned to dab her eyes with a tissue as not to disturb her makeup....I think that she has way way too much practice.

The only nice thing about the bug today is that she is gone. She had a headache this morning....probably another hangover....and had a funeral to go to. She said that she might make it in, but the AA told her not to worry about it....she has enough comp time that is for sure. But knowing her and her ever present quest to look like a good employee she will try to be here. We need her, didn't you know? Yeah...that was news to me as well.

additionally, as I am finishing this up and proofreading, she walks in. All smiles in her funeral clothes. At least I have only 2 and half more hours until the end of the day...she on the other hand will probably stay till midnight...she is a devoted employee after all...no one warms a seat better.

Fashion Bracelets

So on Tuesday I got really sick. My neck was hurting on the side, my ear was hurting, headache, dizziness, nausa, fever, incoherent: the whole fun gambit of being ill. So I went home early from work and tried to sleep it off as much as I could. Yesterday I managed to get a doctor's appointment. So I went in, talked about my ear (I was hoping that I had an inner ear infection) but we also talked about my concern that my pseudo tumor was coming back. So my doctor calls the neurologist on call at the University Hospital and lo and behold, I get sent to the ER to have a CT Scan done. Which with talks of scans and a possible spinal tap I am a wreck. The last time I had a tap done was enough for me. So after 4 hours and 2-3 doctors later it is determined that I didn't need the CT scan, definitely had no signs of an inner ear infection, and that I need to make an appointment with a neurologist as soon as possible. We got home close to 1 am last night. I however did manage to come home with not one but two hospital bracelets; one for being admitted the other to denote my latex allergy. I was wearing both this morning, but the allergy bracelet kept hurting my arm so I took it off. The admittance one is nice as it is a soft shade of pink. I am wearing it still partly as a badge that I was a good girl at the doctors (they don't give out lollipops--that sucks) and also because I am wondering if I can start a new fashion fad.

So what happens in the meantime? I just continue to have my dizzy spells until my neurology appointment in September. Fun, fun, fun.

Another fun thing is that the canyon road that is between me and my family was blown up yesterday. There is an explosive factory just at the base of the canyon and they were sending a truck with 35,000 pounds of explosives to Oklahoma. They didn't even get 20 miles up the canyon before they took a turn too fast, crashed, and exploded leaving a crater in the road 30 feet deep and 70 feet wide. Who knows when it will be fixed again. Monday is my Mom's and Mr.3's birthday and we were supposed to meet for dinner, but with the road out a 2 hour drive becomes a 4 hour drive. So who knows what will happen with that. Before the explosion Highway 6 was the 3rd most dangerous road in America, I wonder if this last accident makes it go higher up on the list?

Out of it

This past week, I have been here and not. It is frustrating as I do not know the cause of my remoteness and over-emotionality (and no it isn't PMS, don't go there).
I just have felt like a shell, as in the sense of being fragile and of what is left of me...the problem is I don't know what happened or why the change, I just am at the moment. Those that love me ask what is wrong, and I have no answer for them. It discourages me as much as it does them....it could be a whole host of things: money, my health, my weight, the impending school year, everything and nothing.

This weekend we went out to the Salt Flats for the annual model rocketry convention...four days of rocket madness baby! the great thing that happened was that my father got his level 2 certification, he has been wanting this for a long time and he finally made it, I am very proud of it. Maybe if I get my act together I will post some of the pictures....I have a great one of my little brother sleeping in the car...

My Birthday and a bit of office gossip

So Saturday was my birthday (the big 26) and it went really well. We went to see the new Willy Wonka movie and then out to dinner. It went way much better than Friday, which should have been a good day because it was a day off of work. But I couldn't get a new licsence because the DMV computers had broken down (moreover they had some fire in their offices and it wiped out the statewide system)...that was a waste of driving south...and then on Friday we had new blinds put in that our landlord bought which were so horrible that if they had been there when we first saw the place we wouldn't have moved in...and that made me cry.

ok, what I really want to talk about is some news about the bug. Mr.3 had his meeting with the powers that be here about her conduct 2 Fridays ago (revisit the Putz awards). After an hour long meeting, it was decided that Mr.3 should lodge a formal complaint and demand an inquiry into her actions. He did. And I have made it clear that I am not a part of this, but I think that I am as worried about retributions from the bug as Mr.3 is. The next few weeks should be difficult. But from what Mr.3 got out of the meeting was that they are beginning to think she is "overburdened" with her job duties. In the University system here there is no demotion...so I think that they are looking for ways to get her out...especially in light of the unspoken FLAS problem that people only allude to here but will not tell me all the details of. Then a little while ago a man from Finacial Aid called and wanted to know who the bug's "direct supervisor" was. No one has ever called the Center wanting to know that information before and by the look on Kate's face after she took the call, it wasn't good in the least. So there seems to be a lot of trouble heading the bug's way, and I am not sure that she is going to survive it. I know that I shouldn't meddle, but part of me wants to give her a heads up to let her know that trouble is coming her way, but on the other hand...she should know when she has messed up and if it is to the point that official inquiries are being made and heads of other departments are talking to her superiors about her conduct, she must know that something is up. So I think what I am going to do is just sit at my desk, pretend not to know what is going on, be silent, and continue to speculate on the blog whenever I get more news...that seems like a wise plan doesn't it?